Thank goodness for this

[bgirl]

I'm a 41 year old female with two perfect girls, 7 and 4.  I've been married a little over 11 years, together 14, to a man who I now come to understand has borderline personality disorder.  I think the most devastating part of it is knowing this isn't temporary, that it will be a life long struggle for him, and therefore, the rest of us.  I was close to leaving almost two years ago, but decided to commit to saving our marriage.  He is doing a lot of work with a counselor and we have our own marriage counselor that we just started seeing (who is amazing!).  If he keeps working, I'm in and will keep working.  I work in mental health and never saw this coming.  His behavior was pretty stable until our first daughter was born and it's been up and down since then.  His symptoms didn't really flair up until later, and I feel blindsided.  To be honest, I'm in total despair and now that I think I know what I'm dealing with, I found this forum so I could stay sane.  I can't wait to read, post, learn, give and get support. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi bgirl,  



I'd like to welco you to  bpdfamily. I can understand distressing it feels when when loved one suffers from BPD. I'm glad to hear that he's in counselling. Is it DBT therapy?

Many of the members he can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk people that can relate with you, you're not alone.

My ex is not diagnosed, she displays traits of BPD and I felt really depressed. I had to accept the reality that she is who she is, the disorder doesn't define her as a person, her value as a person doesn't change. Non acceptance reality prolongs unnecessary suffering. You probably already know about radical acceptance it's accepting reality for what it is and not for what we want it to be, it doesn't mean that we have to like it though. I'd li to also say that he may very well recover and I mean reality in presen context.

What's you support network like in real life? Are you taking care of yourself?

Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill) ?

[bgirl]

Thanks, Mutt!

He's not involved in DBT.  No groups exist within 45 minutes of us but it is something to explore.  He's currently working on his past trauma and such with someone who seems very skilled.  They talk about the roots of his negative self worth and ways for him to react appropriately to things that are upsetting.  He, as far as I know, wasn't diagnosed by this gentleman - it's mine - and I wonder if I should clue our marriage counselor into my thoughts about the diagnosis.  Any thoughts?

I have some good friends, but I just lost one that I thought was close, and that's been tough.  I also go to a 12 step support group and it's a great place to get support too.  I came here for additional support - I was hoping to have a place to talk about what's happening for me and to get support and suggestions.  The first thing I realized a bit ago is that we can't keep fighting the way we do because it's when I cause more damage.  The second is that I have to respond to his feelings.  In order to do that, I feel like I need a place to process the particularly tough moments.  I need to feel that I'm not alone in order to stay strong and be the partner he needs me to be.

Thanks for the welcome!  It helps me feel better.

Bgirl

[Mutt]

Hi bgirl,

I don't have think that there's anything wrong with sharing your thoughts with the counsellors  we're not doctors and can't diagnose, what we can look at are BPD traits Results may vary but I find that if I say BPD and my ex is not diagnosed, people generally aren't open to the idea but you're dealing with a professional and maybe he's detected some traits himself.

‎The second is that I have to respond to his feelings

I can understand that. If he has BPD he has feelings of low self worth and low self esteem, it helps to validate his feelings, if the tools don't work all you can do is try. I'm glad to hear that you're getting as much help as possible, you can respond to his feelings but you're also allowed to have your own about his feelings.‎

[bgirl]

Mutt -

I think that the hardest thing is feeling like I won't ever be able to love him again as my husband.  I love and care for him because he's a part of me now, we have two kids together and that's a lifetime commitment.  He's a good dad too and my girls love him.  But right now, I'm calmed when he's not around.  So I am trying to respect my needs while responding as well as I can to his.  For example, I took a role in a community theater production because it's what I love to do.  I did it before and it was a huge commitment of time.  I asked him about one coming up that my friend was directing, and it was a much smaller commitment.  He knew the role (prostitute, but not very racy, but funny) and seemed.ok at first.  Now he's questioning why I'd take the part, and even accused me last night of not asking him about it before taking the role!  It's one of the first times I could see him coming unhinged, grasping at anything to try to say I'm the problem.  I could see it and instead of lashing out, I tried to find something to help me stay calm, and I found the articles and forums here.  This site is a blessing for me and gives me the bit of extra support I need to stay calm and constructive, because I've added to it with my anger and that's my first goal, is to just not add to it, even when I want to scream and punch the walls.    Being here validates my entire experience, and now I don't feel so confused or alone. 

Our marriage counselor is going to keep us focused on feeling, so I think we will going in the right direction with her.  And his counselor seems top notch, so I'm optimistic.  He can be receptive, and we may discuss the things I've discovered in a calm moment. 

Whew.  Thanks again!  I think I'll be on those message board a lot.