Checking In

[HurtAndTired]

Hi all,

It’s been a while since I posted (April 18). I wanted to give an update and get perspective from those who’ve been through this.

Since then, a lot has happened. I’ve fully committed to leaving my marriage and have made significant strides in getting my financial house in order. I'm close to reaching 30% credit utilization and my credit is getting back to where it needs to be to be able to walk away financially intact for bot my S4 and myself. I realized a few months ago that I’ve been emotionally and physically abused for years, and there’s no going back. Even if my wife were to change, I don’t think I could ever trust her again or feel safe in the relationship. I am fully emotionally and spiritually divorced from her even though we share a house. She can no longer hurt me with her words.

Some updates:

I’ve been sober for almost 6 months now—not because I had a problem, but because even one beer seemed to make her more likely to lash out. Sobriety has given me clarity and calm.

I’ve redecorated the guest room and made it fully mine. That space has been a sanctuary and a small declaration of independence. S4 calls it "Daddy's room."

I’m documenting everything. I’ve consulted with an attorney and have a detailed plan to file for a TPO, temporary custody, and then divorce early next year. I'm also working with a DV advocate and checking in with her weekly. I'm giving her copies of all the evidence of abuse that I have been collecting.

I’m doing everything I can to protect my son, although there have been some challenges. A few months back my dBPDw disappeared overnight with SS26 to go out drinking. She was out of touch for 27 hours and didn't return calls or texts. S4 was freaking out and I had to call the police to do a wellness check. Then again just a few weeks ago I was gone to an academic conference tied to my doctoral studies for 2 days. To get revenge on me for going, my wife took our son to a local amusement park on the day I was to return. She did not tell me where they were going or when they would be back. His bedtime came and went and I had no idea where they were and she was not answering calls or texts. Again, I had to call the police for a wellness check. Not surprisingly, she answered their call on the first ring and was furious at me for calling them. I told her that if she ever pulls a disappearing act with S4 again to expect exactly the same thing.

She has been in therapy (if she’s telling the truth about going) for a few weeks, but I’ve seen little evidence of real insight or change. She still accuses me of affairs, snoops through my belongings, and tries to control the narrative.

I’ve also started to process the full weight of her abuse—physical (including strangulation), sexual (consent violations), and emotional. It’s horrifying to realize how long I minimized it to survive. I ran everything that she has done to me through ChatGPT to see what the legal weight of her actions against me would be in my state had I reported them all. It turns out that many of them are felonies including assault with a deadly weapon and marital rape. Even had she been convicted on just a few of them, she could be looking at decades in prison. I remind myself of this any time that my resolve starts to fade.

My question for the group:

For those who’ve gone through a divorce with a high-conflict person, how did you keep your resolve when they made last-minute gestures of working on themselves or tried to derail your plans?

How do you navigate the period between emotionally detaching and filing when you’re still living together?

I’ve made it this far because of support from people like you. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

HurtAndTired

[eightdays]

I had a journal I kept where I saw how many times my partner would behave terribly and cruel, and then come out of it and say they needed to work on themselves.   I saw in my journal over time the repeating pattern.   Every time it happened she would say she needed to work on herself when she became afraid of losing me because part of her knew the behavior was weird.    A counselor told me it would take many years of therapy, including having someone that would be available to her 24x7, not just once a week, and that is the protocol.   I did not see my partner ever doing that.   So I didn't have any hope at all at that point that my partner could change, and I took what they said with a grain of salt.   

[Pook075]

For those who’ve gone through a divorce with a high-conflict person, how did you keep your resolve when they made last-minute gestures of working on themselves or tried to derail your plans?

If she claims to be working on herself, then that's fantastic...encourage her to keep up the good work.  This is a person you love (or loved) and of course you want to see what's best for them, despite what's happened and the current situation.  So be encouraging, even though you're not seeing progress.

However, her last minute attempts to reverse years of abuse doesn't mean you should just blindly accept things from her perspective.  BPDs work in cycles, ranging from idolizing their partners to despising them.  Who's to say this is any different, or that changes will be long-term?

Again, support her desire to receive therapy and make meaningful changes.  That has nothing to do with whether or not you should file for divorce.

How do you navigate the period between emotionally detaching and filing when you’re still living together?

You do the best that you can every single day, and you get through it however you can.  You focus on what's best for the kid and what's best for your own mental health, even though things are a mess at the moment. 

If you're dead-set on divorce, then this is the only path forward and it requires quite a bit of steps.  All you can do is take one step at a time and react appropriately when she challenges you.  If that means leaving early, so be it.  If it means being kind and patient, even when it feels like the last thing she deserves, then so be it.  You just keep moving forward and do the best you can.

[Notwendy]

Hi all,

I’ve been sober for almost 6 months now—not because I had a problem, but because even one beer seemed to make her more likely to lash out. Sobriety has given me clarity and calm.
My question for the group:

For those who’ve gone through a divorce with a high-conflict person, how did you keep your resolve when they made last-minute gestures of working on themselves or tried to derail your plans?

How do you navigate the period between emotionally detaching and filing when you’re still living together?

I’ve made it this far because of support from people like you. Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

HurtAndTired

First, I want to congratulate you on your sobriety. I've been in 12 step groups from the CODA/ACA side and know this is an accomplishment. Some people attending the group began with AA, got sober, and then decided they'd benefit from CODA, ACA, so I learned their journey.

I used to think that because I don't have an issue with alcohol, I didn't have a connection to these groups, but learning more- I could see the connection between addiction, and enabling, and the family dynamics- which were also similar to families where there is a person with BPD. So whether someone's steps to changing this begins with not drinking, or less enabling- it's positive change on your part.

I don't have personal experience of leaving a high conflict relationship but I did observe one, and while there wasn't divorce, there were behavior patterns. Abusive and disordered relationships are complex and involve both people. They are also cyclic. I think this is one reason the decision to leave is confusing.

The abuse is a way of releasing difficult emotions. After the rage/abuse cycle, the feelings are "out" and the person may act remorseful and make attempts to improve and the partner then has hope and remains. But the feelings build up again until the next cycle. There's a push-pull dynamic with a pwBPD.

After one of BPD mother's "episodes" I think she did have some awareness that she'd push too far, and there was a period of "being good". While she had a reason to blame us or something else for the issue- a rage or dissociation would happen even if we didn't do anything to trigger it. She'd seem to find something to be upset about.

Yes, if your wife is going to therapy this is a good thing, but if it were me, I'd be thinking long term and looking at patterns- is this the push-pull, or the abuse cycle? Real change takes work and time- years, not a few days or weeks. A quick "I'm good now" isn't long term or consistent change. You also don't know how effective the therapy will be. Your decision to divorce is based on you and your boundaries, not whether or not she goes to therapy at the moment. 

The lawyer is the best advice on staying in the house/moving out, so I assume that is what you are following. I have heard that leaving may be construed as abandoning the children so it's important that the lawyer directs what to do about that.

The pattern I observed with BPD mother with boundaries or wanting something was that she'd rotate through the character descriptions in "Understanding the Borderline Mother", until one of them hopefully worked. If being nice didn't- then she'd be Waif and then, become abusive (Queen, Witch). I don't consider these as being completely consciously manipulative. It's that these behaviors worked for her and were reinforced by our compliance.

You've been in a certain pattern with your wife. Now you are changing the pattern- but she hasn't learned new ways of relating. It would make sense that she'd escalate the behaviors that have worked for her (extinction burst). This includes her abusive behavior so be aware. Ask your lawyer about what to do if this happens and how to stay safe and keep your underage child safe.

Keep your plans to yourself as much as possible.