Reflecting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't posted here in quite a while. I don't know why I feel moved to do so tonight - perhaps in part because of my work situation.

I was in a 25 year relationship with someone with BPD, which fully ended a couple years ago (after she monkeybranched and got into an affair with a guy with apparent NPD). I've slowly healed and come to feel reasonably ok again. My stepson - her son - would also qualify for a diagnosis of BPD and is meth addicted and homeless. I'm one of his primary supports. I largely avoid spending any time with my ex, but we do communicate relatively frequently with regard to my stepson. After we broke up, my ex tried a DBT group and disliked it, dropping out after several months. Then I found a Schema Therapist for her, and she's been seeing her since. The other day, my stepson went to his first appointment with a Schema Therapist/addiction counselor I found for him, and he intends to keep going; I'm glad about that.

The course of my life has been weirdly immersed in people with BPD and related disorders. My adoptive mother, who raised me from infancy, had BPD. My ex and her son also. And that's not too surprising - people tend to get together with romantic partners resembling their early caregivers. I was in denial about my ex's BPD until a therapist pointed it out at the end of the relationship. I wish I'd known much earlier - I would have responded to the challenges she presented very differently (validating emotions rather than problemsolving, etc.), and perhaps we'd still be together. The tools I've learned, for interacting with people with BPD, have helped tremendously in dealing with my stepson.

About a decade ago I found my birth family. My one full sibling, a sister, has BPD (and is extreme on the spectrum). My birth mother, who died a couple years after I first met her, had clear BPD traits.

And I've come to realize that my current supervisor at work clearly qualifies for a diagnosis of HPD. I've been trying to compensate for her shortcomings. We work in a small municipal department, and her performance issues have generated huge political problems. I previously worked for someone with NPD - she fired me after I stepped up to defend another employee from her abusive behavior, and she was ultimately investigated and fired (with the story making the newspapers). Anyway, I keep dealing with way too much Cluster B. I'm committed to not getting into another romantic relationship with someone with BPD, so I'm on alert for any indications of that.

And life goes on.

[Pensive1]

I haven't posted here in quite a while. I don't know why I feel moved to do so tonight - perhaps in part because of my work situation.

I was in a 25 year relationship with someone with BPD, which fully ended a couple years ago (after she monkeybranched and got into an affair with a guy with apparent NPD). I've slowly healed and come to feel reasonably ok again. My stepson - her son - would also qualify for a diagnosis of BPD and is meth addicted and homeless. I'm one of his primary supports. I largely avoid spending any time with my ex, but we do communicate relatively frequently with regard to my stepson. After we broke up, my ex tried a DBT group and disliked it, dropping out after several months. Then I found a Schema Therapist for her, and she's been seeing her since. The other day, my stepson went to his first appointment with a Schema Therapist/addiction counselor I found for him, and he intends to keep going; I'm glad about that.

The course of my life has been weirdly immersed in people with BPD and related disorders. My adoptive mother, who raised me from infancy, had BPD. My ex and her son also. And that's not too surprising - people tend to get together with romantic partners resembling their early caregivers. I was in denial about my ex's BPD until a therapist pointed it out at the end of the relationship. I wish I'd known much earlier - I would have responded to the challenges she presented very differently (validating emotions rather than problemsolving, etc.), and perhaps we'd still be together. The tools I've learned, for interacting with people with BPD, have helped tremendously in dealing with my stepson.

About a decade ago I found my birth family. My one full sibling, a sister, has BPD (and is extreme on the spectrum). My birth mother, who died a couple years after I first met her, had clear BPD traits.

And I've come to realize that my current supervisor at work clearly qualifies for a diagnosis of HPD. I've been trying to compensate for her shortcomings. We work in a small municipal department, and her performance issues have generated huge political problems. I previously worked for someone with NPD - she fired me after I stepped up to defend another employee from her abusive behavior, and she was ultimately investigated and fired (with the story making the newspapers). Anyway, I keep dealing with way too much Cluster B. I'm committed to not getting into another romantic relationship with someone with BPD, so I'm on alert for any indications of that.

And life goes on.

[kells76]

Good to see you back here -- you're always welcome 

The course of my life has been weirdly immersed in people with BPD and related disorders. My adoptive mother, who raised me from infancy, had BPD. My ex and her son also. And that's not too surprising - people tend to get together with romantic partners resembling their early caregivers.

Yes, that seems to be common, that we're drawn towards relational dynamics that feel familiar to us. In a way, that's neither a good thing nor a bad thing, but it is a thing to be aware of.

My best friend in high school has a mother with what is probably diagnosable and low functioning BPD, though she sort of held it together publicly back then. I had no idea about her disorder because my friend lived with her dad, and I never met her mom until much later (post college). So it wasn't like I met my friend, then met her mom, and thought, wow, her mom just feels so familiar to me, I'll be friends with this girl! I think it's much more subtle than that.

Another friend I've had for decades comes from a family where neither parent was very emotionally expressive and they didn't really talk to each other about feelings. That also felt familiar and comfortable to me, and it's something we're only really realizing and airing now.

That doesn't mean the friendships aren't "real" or that "it's just based on dysfunction." I love my friends! And, it's possible that we "vibed" for reasons beyond what we knew at the time.

Of course, in your case, when it comes to supervisors/coworkers, you do have the option of dialing back the connection/interaction to the bare minimum to function for work.

And I've come to realize that my current supervisor at work clearly qualifies for a diagnosis of HPD. I've been trying to compensate for her shortcomings.

Are you still doing that, or are you looking for different ways to navigate this?

I was in denial about my ex's BPD until a therapist pointed it out at the end of the relationship.

It can help to get that neutral perspective on our choices and tendencies. As you move forward with the goal of not just declining to get in a relationship with a disordered person, but, likely, choosing to get in relationships with healthy people, are you still seeing that therapist?

After we broke up, my ex tried a DBT group and disliked it, dropping out after several months. Then I found a Schema Therapist for her, and she's been seeing her since. The other day, my stepson went to his first appointment with a Schema Therapist/addiction counselor I found for him, and he intends to keep going; I'm glad about that.

Sounds like some bittersweet good news. Of course you wish it could've worked out before this, and I also hear what you're saying, that you're glad they're both committed to and engaged with meaningful support. I wish them the best in their healing, and that they can both connect with and trust their therapists.

And life goes on.

it sure does... with or without our cooperation 

Reminds me of what a retired staff member had as his profile quotation: "Let go or be dragged"

If I'm remembering correctly, you've enjoyed doing outdoor pursuits? Are you able to keep up with being outside/being in nature?

[Pensive1]

Thanks for the reply Kells!

re: "Are you still doing that, or are you looking for different ways to navigate this?"

With my supervisor, it's a tricky situation. We're in a very small city department, that I worked for over a decade to bring into existence (it's my baby). And we're under constant threat of being completely defunded, if we don't sufficiently have our act together. So I am trying to compensate for the problems she's creating. For example, normally only the head of a city department would be doing media interviews. After she royally messed up an interview, causing political damage for the department, I reached out to the media myself, resulting in a couple good news pieces that helped us. And I'm trying to engage in more collaboration with her, for the work that she's doing, to mitigate the problems that she's creating when left on her own. That's not the healthiest/easiest thing for me, but there aren't any ideal solutions. There's only a board above her, so she's receiving only diffuse and inadequate supervision herself, but I've talked to a board member and there are now ongoing efforts by the board to better manage her.

I am still seeing a therapist myself, and I find that extremely helpful. When I was growing up with a severely BPD mom, one mechanism I learned, to protect myself, was to numb my emotions (to not feel). But that's been a very dysfunctional tendancy in my adult life, causing no end of problems. I'm working pretty intensively in therapy on trying to ameliorate that.

re: "If I'm remembering correctly, you've enjoyed doing outdoor pursuits? Are you able to keep up with being outside/being in nature?"

Yes, I'm getting out with friends, walking in natural areas on weekends. I enjoy it tremendously, and it helps keep me present/grounded/sane. The prairies are in full bloom right now.