Undiagnosed BPD and Divorce / New Co-Parenting Situation

[JohnAdams]

Hi,

I've been with my soon to be ex-wife for 17 years.  She's always suffered from anxiety and migraines, as well as on and off depression.  3 years ago she was diagnosed with ADHD (shortly after our older child was).  She has always pushed down her own needs and feelings to do what she thinks others expect of her (even though she is very often very wrong about those perceived and imagined expectations).  There have never been any major outbursts or outwardly impulsive behaviors, but that is because she turns it all inwards.  The exception being somewhat routine "panic attacks" where she would always tell me that I was going to leave her, that i wanted to leave her.  Sometimes as part of these I learned she would cut her hands superficially.  She has been in and out of talk therapy for the entire time i have known her, never to much effect.

2 years ago she started EMDR therapy to work on her pushing things down and to learn to ask for the things she needs.  This is around the time that I returned full time to a demanding job after years due to a series of family needs (newborn, COVID, health issues).  As my attention was less on her, the testing and black and white thinking increased.  Her weekly therapy left her with 2-day long emotional hangovers.  Her sensory overwhelm was always in the red.  Despite working 65-70h weeks now, I had to constantly step in when she was parenting, send her to relax and to take some time to herself.  Did I mention we also had a puppy at this time .

The EMDR worked in that she finally felt OK asking for things, but she wanted me to change.  To modulate my personality.  To mask.  And to mind read and step in at exactly the right times to tell her she was a good person, even though she is so skilled at masking there is no way to tell.

All of this finally broke me and I started to withdraw more as I reverted to my own maladaptive responses, which only accelerated to things.  Finally in January she told me she was thinking of separation, but that even if we started couple's therapy that she thought she had too much resentment for it to work.  She was right.  I did my best, but a switch had been flipped and now every work and action was seen through dark glasses.  Before she would misinterpret every work and sigh as a criticism of HER.  Now it was all about me being wrong. 

We are now going through divorce proceedings (collaboratively, no litigation).  However my older son has very high-impact ADHD (like her), and exhibits frequent rejection sensitivity and black and white thinking.  I am afraid for the impact the divorce could have on him.  Unlike her, he does act outwardly rather than inwardly when he acts out, so if his BPD traits were to intensify, he would probably not exhibit "quiet" BPD as she did.

About 4 weeks ago a friend of mine told me to look up quiet BPD and it was like finally having a map!  However given that my wife is undiagnosed and split negatively on me, I cannot bring this up.  Were it not for our children, I wouldn't feel the need to ever raise it.  However, I need to make sure my son gets DBT therapy.  I also would like for her to not have unhealthy relationships in the future so that my kids see healthy relationships modelled on both sides of the custody (middle school and elementary school).

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?  Do I advocate for DBT for my son simply out of its value vs. HIS black and white thinking?  Do I mention possible BPD to the psychotherapist / counselor working with us (without telling my wife)?  Do I wait 2 years until she is less split black on me and then tell her? 

My gut tells me that the order I put those in goes from good to worse... but perspectives are welcome. 

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  We're happy for you to join us and share peer support, if only the reasons for coming were more joyful ones.  However, here you will find our collective wisdom accumulated over the years as well as time-tested strategies, tools and communication skills.

For a first post, you've covered a lot of history.  It's not as often that we address the quiet BPD traits.  But it's still draining and dysfunctional.  Some of the books in our books board mention hermit, waif, queen, witch as general behavior patterns but we've also found that many members report their loved ones morphing from one type to another so this categorization isn't strictly one and done.

In our early years together my ex would admit to cutting herself with little snips from scissors, a trait I couldn't fathom until I heard of BPD after our marriage had already failed.  I recall my ex was triggered by my being a new father (childhood FOO trauma) and parenting a child with someone who triggered her memories was her primary stress.  Toward the end of our years together she would moan and groan and retreat sobbing to lock herself in a room.  Yet, she stopped that as soon as we separated and she became even more consumed with blocking me being a father.  The legal strictures of the divorce helped us have court-enforced stronger boundaries.

I would like to advise that your children, especially the one in greatest need, would do well to have counseling with experienced therapists.  As minors, their sessions can open and conclude with you having brief conversations to update the therapist.  Although children aren't typically diagnosed with BPD, you can ensure the therapist considers DBT as a wise therapy even now, though of course without specifically naming it to the patient - or your disordered spouse.  It is not wise to mention "labels".

[PeteWitsend]

...

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation?  Do I advocate for DBT for my son simply out of its value vs. HIS black and white thinking?  Do I mention possible BPD to the psychotherapist / counselor working with us (without telling my wife)?  Do I wait 2 years until she is less split black on me and then tell her? 

My gut tells me that the order I put those in goes from good to worse... but perspectives are welcome. 

Two things:

First, regarding getting therapy for your son, this shouldn't be an issue in divorce.  Courts view counseling for minors favorably, and will order it, almost on request.  The challenge is ensuring the BPD parent goes along with this and doesn't try to sabotage the counseling (for whatever paranoid or insane reason they claim is an issue).

In my case, BPDxw actually suggested getting a therapist for our daughter shortly after I filed for divorce.  my concern was that BPDxw would keep changing our daughter's therapist until she found one that she could control & would go along with her nonsense.  what we did was have a child psychologist my attorney knew vet a list of respectable therapists in our area, and allow BPDxw to pick from that list.  And we had the order drafted that neither parent could change counselors without the other's consent.  On that specific point, there's an argument you can make that it's important the child develop trust with the counselor, so that prevents the BPD parent from changing whenever they feel like it.  

It went as I could've predicted.  From our list, BPDxw chose the male therapist closest to her house (she always told me she could get men to do what she wanted easier than women).  She took our D to a couple sessions, and then when she realized he wasn't going to let her sway him or go along with any ridiculous accusations she was trying to make, declared that therapy for our daughter was a waste of time, she was "fine" and she wasn't going to take her anymore.  She also apparently got in a fight with the therapist when she demanded a refund for a session she paid for and cancelled and didn't get the refund as soon as she wanted.  LOL.  As he told me this, I was like "Haha, now you see what I've been dealing with."

One thing I didn't foresee was the therapist retiring...  our decree didn't account for that. Make sure you have a plan in place to account for that.  Maybe the therapist designates a successor, or something.  

In practice, I've found it's not easy in practice to arrange therapy, especially if, as I do, you don't get custody until classes end for the day, and that makes it challenging to get the child to therapy during normal business hours.  The number of therapists with evenings or weekends open is small, and I also found a lot of therapists don't want to see kids who's parents are actively suing eachother out of fear of getting dragged into it.

Second, as far as telling the therapist your concerns goes, I think any good therapist would ask the parents their concerns and be fully candid here.  If your wife is BPD, as well as ADHD, I would stop relying on her for anything or worry about getting her consent.  Your focus and priority is your children, and her concerns - even assuming she's able to be honest about them - is a distant second to your children's needs.  

Stay strong.  You might even want to mention to the counselor that your STBDxw has been diagnosed with ADHD, and has been in therapy herself.  Stick to the facts in this, and the therapist should realize to discount (if not completely ignore) her complaints or comments on account of her existing issues.  

You can't go wrong by advocating fairly for your son and being honest.  Don't worry about appearing biased if the things you are saying are factual.