How and why and help

[Shockedmother]

I feel like I’m in a living hell. My 16yo daughter has been in and out of hospital for 10 months with anorexia and now diagnosed with bpd.
She hates me. She thinks I punished her by taking away her phone during hospital admission number 6 (following up on a consequence which was meant to be a deterrent for said hospital visit) and hasn’t spoken to me for 3 months. Her life is in a complete shambles. I know she is overwhelmed, new school failed so no friends, old school was full of bullying, hasn’t attended school for a year. Totally cut off from people but desperate for them and cannot see how she has arrived here…..
I am giving myself a crash course in parenting a BPD person and know what I need to do. Have changed significantly.

But there is no joy. Nothing in return. She can’t see her part in anything. Doesn’t think her therapists are doing anything to help her just wants to be dead.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

I don't now what to say other than I relate to all of it, as does everyone else here. It's a nightmare in every way. Like grieving someone who is still alive and desperate to do ANYTHING to change the situation and remove your child's pain--- while being in deep pain yourself. Drowning in it. Both of us. I truly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy---- to have BPD or love someone with it. Just try to take care of yourself. I know it's very hard. I struggle with applying this advice myself all the time because I'm so consumed with wanting my precious daughter back. Sorry to not offer anything but solidarity. You aren't alone.

[Sancho]

Hi Shockedmother
I agree it is like being in hell – and In4thewin’s comments are spot on too. Personally I think it is the most difficult condition to have or for a loved one to have. There are targeted meds for other serious mental health conditions. The community generally is more accepting of these other conditions too.

The usual behaviour management techniques can work for some with BPD. For others they exacerbate the emotional responses. You are amazing that you have straight away done the crash course, looked at how to do things differently etc. That’s a great start.

It took me a long time to accept that I needed to be in for the long haul – and had to have some way of nourishing myself along the way – because we give everything, we are on constant alert for the next crisis, and we are living each day trying to help our loved child carry the pain - and they appear to have little or no insight into what we are giving.

I have used lots of techniques to help me on the long haul – like having some time each day when I forced myself to not be thinking about DD. When the thoughts came I would say ‘I will sit down and think this through at 4 o’clock’. Seems silly but it worked for me.

Have a space that you can retreat to with a cuppa and focus on your breathing – found that helpful too!

Can I ask if your DD is on any medication? Medication can be useful for addressing aspects of BPD and your DD sounds very depressed.

One important thing I learned was that my concern and anxiety was picked up by my DD and made things worse – even when I didn’t say anything, she knew I was focused on ‘fixing’ her.

I used the poem by Nelson Mandela ‘Letting Go’ to help me change the way I was feeling. I am a ‘fix it’ person and this was not something I could fix. I told myself my DD was loved and that was enough. I walked beside her, rather than trying to determine the pathway and take away obstacles. I so much wanted my DD to be happy and to have a ‘normal’ life. Instead we went from crisis to crisis.

But I was there – and she is very loved. Just as your DD has been given the greatest gift of your love.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

We hear you, we do.  It is a living hell sometimes.  You seem to try everything, and nothing works.  You sacrifice, and all you get is vitriol.

I've been dealing with an adult BPD stepdaughter for several years now.  Fortunately, she has gotten treatment, and she has been doing better.  She has emerged from the depths of hell.  And yet, even today, she's raging mad at me and her dad once again.  Why?  Because we care enough to enquire whether she purchased health insurance for herself for next month, because her existing school plan is lapsing and she remains unemployed.  I offered to help her buy the insurance and even gave her a website address and pricing examples in an email.  She lashed out in a rage, with the usual accusations, that we do nothing but pester her and pressure her, that we're evil and should leave her alone.  I can't help but feel some resentment, as she lives with us rent-free, and we feed her, while she contributes nothing to the household by way of chores or rent, and she still thinks we mistreat her, that we are abusive towards her!  She walks around highly agitated and aggrieved, with a chip on her shoulder.  Her dad almost broke down today and said he couldn't take it anymore.  I had to say, she doesn't hate you, she just THINKS she hates you.  Deep down, she's angry with herself.  One reason is that she's inexperienced with "adulting," and she knows she completely forgot about health insurance.  She feels embarrassed as well as incompetent--she doesn't know HOW to buy health insurance, and that is scary for her.  She dreads having to do yet another unfamiliar task which seems unfair to her.  On top of that, she doesn't really know who she is, and what she wants, which is why she's having trouble finding a job, because she thinks she hates every job listing.  She has little tolerance for stress and the uncertainty of her future.  She is overwhelmed by adult life.  And she doesn't know how to self-regulate very well, let alone ask for help when she needs it.  But I KNOW that she doesn't really hate us, because she CHOOSES to live with us, even if it is a mostly exploitative, one-way relationship.  She is free to go elsewhere, but she chooses not to.

Sometimes I think, it's OK for her to be mad at me and her dad.  I practically don't care anymore, PROVIDED that she is doing what she's supposed to be doing.  It's normal to be upset about having to pay for insurance or taxes, and having to find a job--those aren't enjoyable tasks for anyone.  I think, I can withstand some mean texts and shouting, as long as she does the work and actually buys the insurance while continuing to look for a job.  In other words, her mood doesn't matter as much as her actions in my opinion.  Admittedly, your situation is different right now.  You might ask yourself, is it OK for my daughter to be (raging) mad about losing her phone, as long as she stays in the hospital where she's supposed to be right now?  Are you OK with her  making you out to be the "enemy," if it's what it takes to get her back on track and seeking professional help?  Because my guess is, she doesn't really hate you, she's just expressing her hatred of the situation, and given that she has BPD, her feelings are intense!  I bet, you're all she's got left.  She just doesn't want to admit it, because she's scared, and she feels out of control.  Not talking to you could be her bizarre way of taking back control.  In other words, the priority now is to get her help.  You can worry about your relationship, her mood and her treatment of you another day, once she has stabilized.  With BPD, I think it's helpful to think in terms of baby steps, and changing one thing at a time.  Otherwise it's overwhelming for you, too.

All my best to you.

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I may bring a slightly different perspective. I have a child who suffered from anorexia for 10 years. She was in treatment multiple times, and it wasn't easy. Like your daughter, she was hopeless. Had no reason to go on. Didn't want to recover. Anorexia is hard core. The things it says to our kids in their heads.

The good news is that she is older now, stable, soon headed to grad school and shows absolutely NO signs of BPD.

Anorexia hijacks the brain and leads to behavior that is like BPD: outbursts, self-harm, impulsiveness, substance use, rage, etc. I know many families with kids who received a BPD diagnosis and today show no symptoms because they are weight restored. My child did go to DBT and the skills she learned there (for BPD behavior) helped her embrace recovery and find a life worth living, and I believe they were essential.

But, until your child is weight restored for a while, I would not be 100% about the BPD diagnosis. Now, that doesn't help you today as you deal with her behavior, and believe me... I've been there. It was hell. If you can get into a parent DBT group - and get your child in, I highly recommend it. My child was 17 when we did it, so it was a parent/child group and I still use some of the skills today.

[SoVeryConfused]

P.S. I also wanted to add that I'm sorry she's ignoring you. I understand that must be painful for you. You are doing the very best you can. No parent is taught how to deal with mental illness, and especially two of the most challenging ones wrapped up into one.

She's 16. You have two years to use leverage while she's a minor (In the US?). For BPD and ED treatment. Don't feel bad about using it. She does not hate you. She hates herself.