How do I understand my dil with BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,
I am new to this site and am in search of support. I have a daughter in law with what we believe to be BPD. I have read books about the disorder but still am not sure how to communicate with her. She has some real anger toward me and has even threatened to not let me see my grandchildren and at one point had given my son an ultimatum (if he talked to me she would leave him). She has since changed her position on this. I never know what I'm going to get each day or if I'm going to say the wrong thing. Any advice on how to communicate with her. I am also very worried about my son and feel he is emotionally abused. He already suffers from low self esteem and has been on anti depressants... .I was really excited to have a daughter in law but this was not what I had hoped for :,(
Thank you

[Bgood]

Hi,
I am new to this site and am in search of support. I have a daughter in law with what we believe to be BPD. I have read books about the disorder but still am not sure how to communicate with her. She has some real anger toward me and has even threatened to not let me see my grandchildren and at one point had given my son an ultimatum (if he talked to me she would leave him). She has since changed her position on this. I never know what I'm going to get each day or if I'm going to say the wrong thing. Any advice on how to communicate with her. I am also very worried about my son and feel he is emotionally abused. He already suffers from low self esteem and has been on anti depressants... .I was really excited to have a daughter in law but this was not what I had hoped for :,(
Thank you

[Grandmotherbear]

I have lived this life-hoo boy! have I lived this life.

My son revealed to me last Thanksgiving when he had been separated from his wife for 3 months that they had been on the verge of breakup 8 times already, this was the 9th. While he was on an extended business trip my DIL kicked my 18 year old DGS out of the house, overdosed on drugs and was discovered by my 15 year old DGD, ignored their dogs till they were almost starved to death, forged loan documents, etc etc. She's almost ruined my DS career. She sat in jail for 4 months and we gave a five thousand retainer to a men's rights divorce lawyer. My DS kept telling me how much better his life was without her and how DGD refused to see her mother even when her grandparents were there (temp custody order gave custody to my DS and forbade unsupervised visitation)My DIL sent us a nasty letter saying she was going to get our son back and then she'd see to it that we never saw or spoke to our DS or Dear Grandchildren ever again.

Last week we got an email from our son that they had reconciled. DS and DGD have NOT responded to any of the texts or emails I sent them.(which were totally silent about the reconciliation, just about some of DS favorite books [we are replacing them because when she was mad at him she threw them out}and DGD's school schedule when there had been a tentative agreement we would come visit) She's carrying thru on her threat.

I am studying the links here to learn how to defuse the cycle of crazies and try to not set her off while we interact- if we will ever again interact, that is. I have accepted that I am powerless to change her and she will not ever change.  That said, I am not going to withdraw from DS just because his wife is crazy and attacks us all the time. I did that once for almost 10 years and regretted that I hadn't been any part of my grand's or son's life during that time.
I am going to really work on boundary setting issues. so if she allows us to be with DS or the grands we will respond to her in a sane and mentally healthy way.
Truthfully, we did sorta expect them to reconcile- DS has seemed to really love her, for some reason. He believes she is going to work on her addiction issues. I hope and pray, for his and the deargrands sakes, he is correct about that.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, bgood!

I'm glad you've joined us. I can tell how stressful this situation is for you, and understandably so. BPD affects the entire extended family. Your experience will be familiar to a lot of our members here. The good news is, we do have a number of tools that can help you navigate this relationship with your son and his wife. Here are a couple on communication that might help you get started (they were very helpful to me):
S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth)
Validation tools and techniques

You might also want to read some of our material on BPD behaviors. In your case, Splitting seems relevant. A  workshop that I found really enlightening was this one on the Karpman Drama Triangle. It helped me see how I can choose to step back when other people want to cast me as a villain or a rescuer, and how I can feel empowered to manage conflicts.

Have you ever thought about talking with a counselor about the difficulties within your family? How old are your grandkids?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Notwendy]

Bgood, I am sorry to hear about your situation. My mother has BPD and I watched this kind of thing occur with my father's family.

Like Grandmotherbear said- not withdrawing is a good idea. My father's FOO was there for us in any capacity they could be. Once we got to be teens, BPD mom was quite glad to send us to stay with them during summers and school breaks. We were good kids but typical teens and that could overwhelm BPD mom. These times were highlights of our childhood. Fast forward- I am still close to my cousins on my father's side and so are our children. Don't underestimate your potential impact. Getting to spend time with my Dad's family, not walking on eggshells, not being afraid of parents getting angry at us for just being kids, was a gift, in addition to the role models we had for a different kind of parent.

The tools and lessons will help. The model that made the most sense to me is the drama triangle. ( Karpman). My mother's main role is victim, my father's was rescuer. The role of persecutor was played out with them in several ways- but the main idea was that the two of them were most bonded when looking outward at a common "persecutor" as the "cause" of their discomfort, rather than the issues between them. Sometimes it was us kids aggravating her. She'd turn to Dad, Dad would step in to rescue her by punishing us. Sometimes it was his job, his boss, his parents. I think it is important to not take your DIL behavior personally and to be as least reactive as possible. For some reason, the drama triangle is a preferred way of interpersonal relationships with dysfunctional people. It helps to understand it.