Step Son Still No Contact A Year Later

[Uddermudder123]

My step-son's wife it the one with BPD.  It has been just shy of a year that he has cut off all communication with my husband, his dad.  A quick overview:  my husband and his son were very close - spoke to each other every day.  My step-son and his wife had a son - my step son would face time us each night with our grandson.  For our grandson's first birthday, my husband bought our grandson a gift he was very excited to give to his grandson - he let his son and his wife know about it in advance.  Less than a week before our grandson's first birthday party, my step son texted his dad to tell him not to bring the gift and that he had to respect his wife's wishes.  This shocked and hurt my husband.  But, he abided by his son's wishes even though he was extremely hurt and disappointed.  We bought another gift for our grandson for his birthday party.  At the party my husband was speaking to my step son's mom and her husband and expressed his disappointment about what occurred.  After the birthday party the daily calls and facetimes stopped occurring.  My husband reached out to his son to find out if all was ok and if not to please let me know.  Step son, responded aggressively accusing my husband of talking to his mother behind his back and then said some pretty horrible things to really hurt my husband.  My husband was shocked, hurt and angry this time.  However, my step stopped all communication from that point.  I too was simply beyond words - who is this person?  This is not who my step son is.  He would never disrespect and intentionally hurt his dad this way.  My husband continued to reach out every now and then to just let him know that he loved him.  No responses.  At Christmas time, we attempted to extend an olive branch by sending an email letting both my step son and his wife know that we missed them and our grandson, and would love to get together over the holidays to talk.  This was met with a response from my step son's wife stating that they "both were not mentally prepared to deal with this and that they are declining our invitation" period.  My husband still reached out here and there to let his son know that he loved him, once saying whatever is going on has gone on long enough, let's talk.  Still crickets. 

Fast forward to last month.  I got on facebook and was met with 2 notices from Facebook admin letting me know that they were removing a picture of myself, granddaughter (from another son) and grandson as well as a short birthday video of my grandson because they infringed upon someone's privacy rights.  These both were posted a year ago. I researched and found out that a request of this nature to Facebook usually takes 3-4 days for Facebook to remove from the time they receive the request.  As well, I am not "friends" with my step son nor his wife on facebook as they unfriended and blocked myself, my husband, and my step son's two half sisters.  Any family members of theirs that were "friends" on facebook have also unfriended and blocked us as well.  We are basically persona non grata on that side. 

As well just a two weeks ago, my step son actually reached out to my husband via messenger - said how much he missed him and that he was sorry it had taken so long for him to reach out, that it has taken him a long time to "find" himself and would my husband like to meet with him to talk over a beer in two days.   My husband almost fell off his chair when he saw that.  But he decided to proceed carefully.  He responded that he loved him too and would like to meet with him to talk with but could they meet on a different day and suggested the day and time.  Step son responded sure.  The morning of the day they were to meet, my husband reached out to reconfirm and never heard anything back from his son. 

Then we found out today from our grand daughter (she is from another son), that my step son, his wife and our grandson met with my husband's ex (not my step son's mother - she is the mother of his other children) or a picnic.  Doesn't sound too bad right?  Except it is actually.  My husband's ex has narcassitic personality disorder and has made our lives hell for the past 10 years.  That is for a totally different forum group!  My step son is fully aware of all that this woman has done not just to my husband and myself but to her own kids (my other step kids) and others for her own personal gain.  He too, was affected by her and basically disowned her when he grew older and knew better. 

To find that out on top of his not responding and once again ghosting my husband after HE was the one who reached out and the picture removals from facebook - all of this occurring a year later - is beyond anything I could have ever imagined happening.  My poor husband has done nothing wrong other than to express his disappointment about not being able to present his grandson a gift for his first birthday.  And for that he (and by extension me) have been cut off and punished by not being able to see our grandson - we've missed a whole year of his life.  It is just mind boggling and baffling. After all of this, my husband is now at a point where he has said that he is done attempting to reach out.  I normally would try to gingerly push him to keep sending I love you's every now and then just so his son knows he's there, but there has been so much hurt once again in the past month alone, that I can't really blame him.  Perhaps it's time to disassociate from him for my husband's own well being?

[Notwendy]

This is a very difficult and sad situation. IMHO- I think if your H feel he needs to stop reaching out in order to help his own emotional well being- then he can do that. This is my own ideas from my own experience with this dynamic.

What I would not do is react in any way- don't tell people you are not reaching out, don't anounce it to the step son. Just do this quietly. You know that due to the Karpman triangle, any reaction on your parts will feed into the SS and wife as them being the victim, you two being the persecutors. If the SS reaches out again, I think your H needs to reply- kindly- because any open door may be just that, but your H doesn't need to continue to reach out himself if he doesn't feel he can.

This doesn't have to be a forever decision. It's for right now. If a year from now, your H decides to reach out, he can do that too. Your H may also decide to do this partially- to send a happy birthday message once a year but not at other times.

I hope your H is in counseling to help him with his own feelings in this situation.

Understandably, the SS reaching out and then changing feels hurtful. I saw my father flip like this at times- and I can say, this wasn't personal. For your son, and my father this kind of behavior was him taking an action from his own feelings and then, his wife escalating over it until he reversed it. That your SS said what he said- this was his truth, it's just that he, himself, can't exist in this marriage he is in unless he complies with his wife. Why he tolerates this situation, I don't know. I don't know why my father did, but he did.

Your H has done nothing to deserve this. I don't think anyone in my family who experienced this did either. Why your SS did something as irrational as have contact with your H's ex is likely explained by his wife insisting on it. But don't assume your SS is a victim here and the wife is the issue. This is how I perceived it too but now I understand that my father also was an adult, your son is an adult- and he is accountable for his own decision. This is an enmeshed relationship and it involves the two of them. If it were ever to change, your SS would have to decide this, if he is ever able to. This isn't because of anything you and your H say or do, or said or did.

That there are other people doing the wife's wishes isn't unusual.  Why a person like your SS's wife seems to have so much power - I don't understand it.

Continue to be the good people you are- don't adopt these kinds of ethics. Live by your own. If your H needs to be quietly silent for his own emotional healing- then that is what he can do. I think an in- between - occasional contact on a holiday/birthday without expectations of a reply- for instance- a :happy birthday" message, a "merry christmas" message is a neutral position, but only if he feels he can do that.

[Notwendy]

Thinking more about the experience with my father- it's understandable that your H feels hurt right now and if he needs to cut back on reaching out for his own well being- then that is what he needs but I think it's important to not react- not say or do something out of this hurt feelings. I think a scheduled neutral of some sort is a good in between solution- wish him happy birthday, etc, so he knows his father still thinks of him.

It's difficult to understand the kind of dynamics your SS is in. This is how it was in my family. Only one person's will prevailed- the focus was my BPD mother's feelings. My father- who in all other situations was a logical person, when it came to her- he did what she wanted, even if it didn't make sense, because the consequences of not doing so were extreme. It am sorry your SS is in this situation. I was sorry for my father too- but nothing and nobody could change this for him unless he chose to, and he didn't.

This flipping of your son- to reach out and then not show up. Sometimes Dad would appear to "wake up" to his situation and push back on BPD mother's wishes. She'd escalate until he backed down. Or she'd have a "crisis" and plans would be derailed.  I believe this is why your SS didn't show up. He may have tried but if his wife escalated or had a crisis as he was trying to leave the house, he may not have been able to. This is probably why he didn't say anything about not showing up. My best guess is there's shame to what happened and also secrecy. We were not allowed to speak about BPD mother's behavior.

I caution your H on doing anything long term or permanent like disowning him or saying something out of anger to his SS or about him. Make this a silent detachment for his own emotional well being. Your H's behavior will then stand in contrast to your SS's wife's story about him. Whether or not your SS is able to do anything about this - there's no way to know- but any negative reaction to this will play into the negative story. If your SS makes contact again- reply lovingly because if he does, it takes a lot from him to do this, even if he isn't able to follow through.

[Methuen]

SS reached out to his father. That is worth celebrating.  And good to know where SS was at and what he wanted.  I would encourage your H to hang onto that, because it's an indicator that he values the relationship with his dad, which by your description used to be strong before the gift incident.

My advice would be to NOT react.  As hurt and as frustrated as your H is, don't give the BPD DIL the satisfaction of an emotional reaction which will only further escalate the antagonism, and drive everyone even further away from each other.  Take the high road.  Try to rise above the emotional and school yard behavior.  I believe that anyone who tries to fight fire with fire when a BPD personality is involved is going to come out the loser. It will only put a bigger target on your backs for DIL to aim at.

The silver lining in all this is that his son reached out. That is more information than your H had before.  It's something.  It also means that what your husband was doing before by sending birthday messages and "I love you's" was working!  It took a long time to learn that, but now your H know's.   

I would advise staying with that strategy on the high road.

I want to thank you for sharing this story because it is a reminder and a lesson to all of us that a person with BPD will react in extremes, and not at all in proportion to the nature of their perceived slight.  For eg, going completely NC with you both seems like a pretty extreme reaction to a birthday gift, and a comment about being disappointed it couldn't be given.

At the party my husband was speaking to my step son's mom and her husband and expressed his disappointment about what occurred.  After the birthday party the daily calls and facetimes stopped occurring.  My husband reached out to his son to find out if all was ok and if not to please let me know.  Step son, responded aggressively accusing my husband of talking to his mother behind his back and then said some pretty horrible things to really hurt my husband. 

Always risky to share thoughts which have any chance of getting repeated back to the Borderline.  Although the son said these "pretty horrible things", it's likely that the thoughts and words actually came from his wife.  I wouldn't be surprised if she was standing right beside him while he was saying them to your H, to make sure he did it right.

Borderlines need to control.  She may have perceived some slight about your H not being ok with the disapproval of the gift, and had an emotional meltdown reaction.  No one is going to change that now.  I think the best thing your H can do is keep his composure and resist saying any more that she will twist to further attack him. The best strategy is to not give them any material which can further put a target on either of you.

Somewhere on this site there's a quote that goes something like this:  "before we can make it better, we have to stop making it worse."  That's taking the high road. It's hard when we are hurting so deeply.

[Notwendy]

For our grandson's first birthday, my husband bought our grandson a gift he was very excited to give to his grandson - he let his son and his wife know about it in advance.  Less than a week before our grandson's first birthday party, my step son texted his dad to tell him not to bring the gift and that he had to respect his wife's wishes.  This shocked and hurt my husband.  But, he abided by his son's wishes even though he was extremely hurt and disappointed. 

At the party my husband was speaking to my step son's mom and her husband and expressed his disappointment about what occurred.  After the birthday party the daily calls and facetimes stopped occurring.  My husband reached out to his son to find out if all was ok and if not to please let me know.  Step son, responded aggressively accusing my husband of talking to his mother behind his back and then said some pretty horrible things to really hurt my husband.  My husband was shocked, hurt and angry this time.  However, my step stopped all communication from that point.  I too was simply beyond words - who is this person?  This is not who my step son is.  He would never disrespect and intentionally hurt his dad this way. 

Methuen's post is very wise- take the high road here. If this were my mother- any retaliation would be returned ten fold. This statement:  I believe that anyone who tries to fight fire with fire when a BPD personality is involved is going to come out the loser. It will only put a bigger target on your backs for DIL to aim at.  is true for the dynamics in my family.

I don't think this means tolerating abuse, but to avoid reacting.

What happened with the birthday gift is - you spoke to another person about the situation and that person told your son and/or his wife. For some reason in my family- this was considered a "serious crime". You do not say anything negative about BPD mother to anyone else. She did this but you don't dare do it yourself.

When your stepson responded and you wondered "who is this person" - if this were my family- BPD mother would have escalated and insisted my father say or do this kind of thing. While I recognize that he also is responsible for his own behavior, I have seen what happens when BPD mother escalated to the point where it was stressful and he backed down to get the situation to stop.

As to taking the high road-  there were times I did react and experienced the results of that and learned, it's not worth doing. On the other hand, I didn't want to just be a doormat and tolerate abusive behavior. I did experience her taking control of things I wanted to do that were "nice" for her. Like the gift you bought your grandson. I arranged a party for her and at the last minute, she decided she might not go.  Situations like these.

There might be family plans and she'd change her mind at the last minute or there'd be some kind of situation that comes up. I think this is what happened when your stepson didn't show up to meet his father.

After my father passed away, it was my BPD mother who disconnected from me.  I did feel the need to have boundaries with her but felt NC wasn't appropriate. A wise friend suggested I contact her on a schedule- as decided by me- once a week, once a month, as long as it's a regular one. How she responded was up to her. Somehow, making this my choice and without any expectations from her made it feel less hurtful. We had more contact as her needs increased in her elder years but for a while the schedule was the contact, and we sent a modest gift on her birthday and holidays- but without expectation of how she'd react.

A scheduled contact- as decided by your H- could give him the space to manage emotionally without reacting by going NC. Know that anything sent to him will be seen by his wife- and possibly deleted if she gets to it first. Anything sent to my father was shared with my mother. Texts may be the easiest option here. If your stepson's workplace allows it, he could send a card to the office. Your stepson has a better chance of seeing a text if it's sent during working hours when he's not at home. Messages that don't imply a need to respond, or hurt feelings may be better received- "thinking of you on your birthday and hope you have a good one" types of messages. Don't send money, or costly gifts.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Sadly, this seems like typical family dynamics where someone has untreated BPD.  I know it's not rational to provoke a blow-up and long-term estrangement because of a kind gesture--trying to give a grandchild a gift--but that's a common scenario in my experience.  Birthdays, holidays, a death in the family and joyful visits invariably seem to trigger someone with BPD.  I think that the root causes might be (i) the pwBPD feeling jealous and/or upstaged by someone else, (ii) intolerance when someone else gets any attention, (iii) feeling triggered seeing other people happy, because it reminds them that they are not, (iv) feeling overwhelmed and out of control when other people "invade" their household, and (v) feeling disrespected when things don't go exactly as planned.

Anyway, I do think it's encouraging that your step son reached out.  But I bet that his wife found out, and then she punished him in some way.  Your step son probably felt it wasn't worth the punishment to meet up with his dad.  I bet that he's in a really dark place right now; he's likely traumatized by his BPD wife.  He's probably barely holding on, but he's scraping by because he thinks he has no choice, and he has a young child to worry about.  He's likely stuck in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, and he might even begin to lose his sense of identity.  I bet his wife is alienating him from family and friends, while being uber controlling, either "punishing" him whenever he does something for himself, manufacturing some sort of crisis, or having a nuclear meltdown at the slightest setback.  It can't be fun at all.  He's probably desperate, not like himself at all.  He might be embarrassed that he got himself in this mess, but he sees no way out.  But that's BPD--they can be very beguiling and captivating at first, and then turn toxic if they aren't getting treatment.

My advice is not to take anything personally.  I like the idea of keeping the door open.  Maybe your husband sends short, neutral messages at major holidays, just to show your son that he's still in your thoughts.  Let him be the one to come to you . . . and if he changes plans, understand that it's likely his wife that's pulling the puppet strings in the background.