Went NC for 25 years. No one came looking

[Please help]

Hello All,

  If you read my previous posts, I ma doing some inner - child healing and I am feeling stronger as an adult. My mother's mother ( maternal gmother) died last week. She wanted me put up for adoption as my mother was 16 years old. My parents got married instead and things went bad. Father went to prison and they divorced when I was 8  or 9. My mother had kids with 4 different men and wanted nothing to do with me after the divorce. She told my gmother I was bad news and nothing but trouble. I think my gmother was a good woman and did a few kind things for me. I used to walk to church with her when I was a kid. Most of her other kids (she had 5) were all messed up as well. My cousins are in tough shape. I hear from them how wonderful  gmother was and all the things she did for them. I am glad she was in their life. I do not have the same experiences.

  I think around 13 / 14, I realized she was not my friend. My fathers new wife somehow talked to her occasionally. Don't recall why or how they interacted.  My dad's new wife would say I was a loser and she did not even want me in the house. This woman has spent her life in and out of prison from drugs , robbery, etc. My gmother would lament with her how much it must suck having me around.

My father's mother paternal gmother hated me as she was convinced her son was an all-scholastic youth who went on a date with my mom and she claimed he was the father. She used to tell me " I told him not to put his name on your birth certificate".

 My father's wife ( they were not married yet) snorted a bunch of coke my dad was selling. So he chased her down the street beating her with a baseball bat. As the cops were raiding our apartment, I threw the baseball bat and drugs into the neighbor's yard. My father was acquitted.  My dad's wife called my mother's mother and asked if I could live there. She said her boyfriend ( my dad) tried to kill her and I hid the evidence.  She wanted me out. Gmother said no. I went down and asked my maternal gmother if I could use her address so youth services does not take custody of me. My father was being held without bail for a few weeks. My mother did not want me. I had no where to go.

Gmother said I would be better off in foster care. I still recall walking down the street from her house that fall day. I drifted away from her after that. Our interactions later were almost always complaints about me. They were pretty much verbal attacks on me. I started attacking back by pointing out what a loser her daughter ( my mother ) is. A few years later, one of my cousins got pregnant (she was 18 or 19) so my grandma took her in for a while. This reaffirmed my belief she did not  like me.  My maternal gmother lived with an alcoholic husband her whole life. As most of you know, in these families, one should never speak the truth. I did and I think she hated me for it. I was told I could have been a better son to my mother etc.

I disappeared around 18/19 and sort of resurfaced in my early 40's. Not one person called or contacted me in anyway. I was easy to find with a google search.

I considered going to maternal gmothers funeral. However, i do not want to see all those people who caused me so much grief. I heard they are all burnt out on drugs and I would not even recognize them.

I have my wife and kid's. We are happy. Is it possible for you to lose a family member you cared about for 25 years and not make an effort to find them or try to write a letter at least ? Am I cutting them too much slack or feeling bad for myself?

I am leaning towards just blocking this woman from my memory and moving forward.

As always, thanks for your solid advice !

[Turkish]

Your grandmother is your grandmother,  no changing that fact.

You experienced what you did, however,  no changing those facts as well. 

She was your grandmother,  however. Your feelings are your own. She's gone and you can pay your respects accordingly. Struggling with how others view how you should do this is the thing , as it were.

Your immediate,  nuclear family is yours, and it's great that you have that support.  They are your primary family.  Given my own experience, I default to taking care of my primary family. 

[Grandmotherbear]

I am sorry you had not only a terrible mother and father but also terrible grandparents as well.
It is common to mourn for not only your lost family member but also to mourn the loss of a chance that they might change and finally be a good Hallmark type Walton family type of family member to you.

I was a Hospice nurse for 24 years and I have to tell you there ain't nuthin like a death in the family to bring out the pure plain ugly in people. Even in intact, supposedly loving families. Knowing this, I urge people in our situation to think three times (twice isn't enough) before attending funerals or getting back in touch with estranged family members after a death. Many times the extended family has been told lies by the uBPD parent or grandparent about you (generic you) and accepted them as gospel. How would you feel if that happened and no one was happy to see you or even polite?

Two things puzzle me. You said you thought maternal gmother was a good women who did a few kind things for you. I didn't see any "kind thing" in your post. Walking you to church- puhleaze. Her actions don't seem very Christian as you recount them.
And Is it possible to lose a family member you cared about and not contact them for 25 Years? I am taking this as a reference to your grandparent losing you. I see nothing in your post to indicate your grandmother cared about you. Hard truth and I'm sorry. Unless there was a heck of a lot of wonderful times you didn't tell us about, and somehow I doubt that.
Please help, I think Dear Abby said it best, years ago. "There are some people whose period of mourning ENDS when their family member dies".
I see you as being a person who is trying to be fair and give your family members some slack for they misery they rained on you. Forgiveness is good to prevent hatred from cankering your soul, but what form that foregiveness takes is up to you.

My uBPD mother(egg donor) made sure we knew she wanted no funeral, no viewing, no "remembrance party", no obituary. IF she had wanted a funeral there would have been only one reason I would have attended it- to make sure that she was REALLY dead and could harm mme and my family no more!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Please Help,

It sounds like the funeral is approaching?

It is of course up to you on how you want to mark the loss of your grandmother for yourself. Are you feeling the need to be a part of the services?

Given the history, quite understandable that you would be feeling uncertain as to which way to go.

My guess is that this situation did stir things emotional up for you, understandable... .

So what is it that... .
you think you want? (Do you want to attend for your own sake)
Are hoping for?
And is reasonable to expect?

Maybe starting there can help you sort through some thoughts.

[Please help]

As always, thank you all for the feedback. She had 5 kids. 2 died and 2 did not attend the services. Only her daughter who lived and cared for her went. A few of my cousins and family friends went as well.

 I did not go. I did not want to run into my mother only to find out later she did not go. It was really no loss. This woman despised me for whatever reason. I think largely it was she saw her daughter's life turn into a mess and thought "if only the baby was put up for adoption, daughter would have gotten her life together". Yeah right / sarc.

 There was a flood of memories that came back to me. I was not really in contact with her in my late teen years. I saw her in a grocery store and I told her I was working, in college, etc. She sarcastically said " I am glad your life is so wonderful". It was as though she saw me as destroying her daughter's life and then going on to live a fulfilling existence. This is what my F did except he did not go on to live a fulfilling existence. She actually liked my F. I will never understand that. If I was a betting man, it would be because he never confronted her with the truth like I did.

You folks got me through a bit of a rough patch and I am grateful to each of you !

Thanks

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanted to say thanks for the update.  Glad to hear that the event came, and passed and that you seem ok for it.

She sarcastically said " I am glad your life is so wonderful".

I hear ya on family saying some odd stuff.
My FOO seems to run a script that I am to be "beneath them" in some way... .financially, stability, etc.  They may to my face say they are happy for me, yet I know they would find ways to "level" that later on by finding some fault in me to take the spotlight.

I have chosen not to bother with them myself, it has been over 10 yrs.

[Please help]

Hello All,

   This is some information I hope we can all learn from. I went to my gmother's house after the funeral. Saw a few cousins  and my aunts. Everyone was dumping on my mother and how she did not care her own mother died but asked for the house to be sold so she could get her share.

Aunt is executor and all the beneficiaries said she could stay in house. She had my cousin ( her daughter) and grandson upstairs picking out rooms to live in. They all act like they love me know but I sensed tension from my cousin. I think we all know when we are beginning to get painted black again. My reason for saying this is I made a few comments about my upbringing and how my gmother knew about it. Cousin wanted to jump down my throat for "slandering her wonderful grandma". My gmother helped support this female cousin up until recently.

I saw a pic of my father and his 2nd wife (teen runaway girl) visiting and it was dated after they were divorced and I had disappeared. I asked aunt and she told me how my f would bring his 2nd ex wife to my gmothers to visit a few times. This is his 1st wife's mother and they never got along. What the heck? Apparently, some of the conversations were about what a loser I was , ect. That hurt the most as I finally had proof none of this was in my head. My aunt said all she ever heard about me is from my M ( her sis) and my F saying I was bad news.

My f really slandered me with his ex wives as that was the popular narrative. Now the popular narrative is to love me and hate my M.  I can see how quick these dynamics can change so I am pragmatic.

 I hope we can all see many of our problems were caused by simple dysfunctional group think. I left there wondering how they think they can keep a house that is already in trust with other's names and how quick alliances can shift. I also realized my childhood must have been tougher than I realized with everyone hating me. My F joining in trying to be popular and loved by all hurt the most.

If you are friends with your 2nd ex wife and you take her to your 1st ex wife's mother's house to visit for a holiday or party, that is bizarre. If you join in with all these unstable women putting your son down, that shows no character at all. I hid evidence  and bailed him out of jail close to 15x. I also survived my early childhood with him locked up. How could a man allow the world to attack his son. As a parent, I don't understand.

As I often do, I just had a revelation while writing the above. It's because he is not a man but a weak and unstable person who thinks   he is a cross between Cary Grant and Don Corleone.

Thanks for reading and I hope this helps you in some way !

[Please help]

As a reminder, we need to remember not to feel too sorry for ourselves. Please give some thought to the beautiful children disabled or in cancer wards. Most of us survived what life threw at us. Our compassion should always be directed towards the real victims in life.

Thanks again !

[cmm]

Hi Please Help,

I really applaud you for coming out on the other side seemingly mentally healthy.  You had quite a rough start in life.  I read all your posts and have some feedback to offer.

Most of us survived what life threw at us. Our compassion should always be directed towards the real victims in life.

We are all on this journey called life -- disabled, cancer victims, hungry children, those without parents, or the abused.  Just because physical ailments can be seen doesn't make the other pain any less hurtful (I am a sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and abandonment survivor myself).  I think a good way to say it is, "Write a new story for yourself, don't be your past."  In that way, you are honoring everyone because we all have a story (that we can choose to learn from and write new chapters after).

As I often do, I just had a revelation while writing the above.

This was what I thought after reading your first post about your grandmother, actually.  Since you seem to be mentally sound, I was thinking it would just help to talk about it and get all your feelings out.  It helps to reflect and let the answers come to the surface with time.  Then clarity comes and you can slowly work through your feelings.  :)efinitely a very individual process.

I will share something personally, similar to your revelation, that happened to me just last night.  I was always told by my loving maternal grandmother that my biological father's problem was that he "never grew up."  I didn't see it that way because I was the child and looking for his love my whole life and her answer seemed like an excuse that just pissed me off.  But, after looking through his prison records last night online (over his life multiple DUI's, a 2011 probation violation, 2012 drug arrest and 2014 defrauding an innkeeper arrest), it came into a clearer perspective for me that my grandma is right.  He's not a bad person at all, actually very loving, but just never grew up and is still a "16-year-old."  It feels great to finally have the answer come after so many years.  This means that healing is happening because I no longer see things from the inside.  There is a certain peace there.

Not one person called or contacted me in anyway. I was easy to find with a google search.

I know you were probably looking to know that you mattered to these people, but honestly you are on a completely different level than them.  They all sound to be in pretty tough places and you sound like you have your life on the right track despite your really tough childhood circumstances.  Having them not contact you is actually a blessing, IMO.  That's one less thing you have to deal with, having them in your life.  And, anyone who places conditions on their "love" for you by shifting their "side" doesn't love you at all.  Please remember that you don't need anyone's validation to recognize your value.  YOU have always been and will always be VALUABLE without anyone's opinion.  Also, what a person says about you says more about them than it does you.  And, you become who you're surrounded by so choose those people carefully.

Sending positive energy and comfort to you on your journey.  

[Please help]

As always, thanks for the support. I have yearned for some sort of family since I was a kid. In other posts, I discuss inner child healing. Here I go into the fantasy world I created. I am actually writing a historical novel loosely based on this fantasy world. It's fairly accurate with historical facts etc. The main character me , loses his family due to bad circumstances and gets a surrogate family instead.

  I look at my motives for doing this and understand it's because I did lose my family and would have liked to have someone step in to be there for me. I honestly had no one.

  The info I received after my gmother's death was my childhood was just like I imagined. Everyone hated me. I think the fact my F saw himself as "slick" and took the narrative of everyone hating me hurt the most. He is so dim-witted that he did not understand they partially hated me as a projection of their hatred for him. He needed validation so bad that everyone loved him, he tossed me under the bus.

   I may have mentioned previously about the videos of the Syrian conflict. There is countless sad footage of parents carrying deceased children out of bombed building and you can see the pain their soul is bearing.  As a parent, I can attest, that is how you should feel about a child, they should become part of your soul. If something happens to them, it happens to you. 

There has to be something very wrong with anyone who could abandon / throw a child away.  I understand my M was a teen (16/17) when she had me. She was really messed up too. I think my F being older is why I held him to higher standards. My M leaving, I almost understand. I honestly have prayed for her heart and soul to heal and live a good life. My F on the other hand, I was always hoping he would wakeup /mature and see the damage he did and try to make amends with me.

  Oddly, it was the pic I saw of his 2nd ex-wife at his 1st ex-wife's mothers house. I realized what a small and idiotic man he really is.

The comment was pointed out to me about emotional pain being equal to physical pain. Yes, this is something I forget to remind myself. I (like many of us) have occasional flare-ups of what happened.

  I tried to reconnect with a few family members recently I think so my wife and kid would have someone. The dynamics are too much and I can only fake the narrative so much. Even if I completely subscribed to how great my gmother was, the fact my aunt is now trying to steal the house is causing them to circle the wagon a bit. My M is the despised one and I am her kid. Therefore, they see me now as a natural enemy.

  I am grateful I did not need them as a kid and now as an adult.

Thanks

[cmm]

Hi Please Help, thank you for your reply and being such an open book so others can heal from your story.  You have come a long way and I'm so sorry that you didn't have and still don't have any extended family.  That must've been the most awful way to grow up.

I want to mention to you some comforting words, which seem cliche but are really true.  I can attest to them because very similar to you, I didn't have much of a stable family growing up, my parents were young, family discrimination, etc.  As an adult I have built my own family of friends and trusted loved ones, 85% who aren't blood related.

  |--->You have all the power inside of you right now.

It may not seem like it because you've got so many emotions flowing from everything and you are still in the throes of dealing with unstable family members.  But if you can get past all that, surround yourself by GOOD people, change your energy vibration to a higher frequency (which will attract the positives naturally), then you will find that you are all you need to feel better.  Of course a strong nuclear family and supportive, loving social circle are essential, but the longing for changing external events will subside.  You don't need external events to change, you need internal change.  As soon as that happens, the external events and your past won't matter.  That is when you know you've healed.  All the other stuff is just a bandaid to mask the pain or try and feel some sort of relief.

Sending this from a very loving and supportive place.  I've been through it and came out on the other side, so I know it's very possible with a lot of work and letting go of fear.