First Relationship ever, lasted four months

[Peace_First]

Hi, I (28 M) dated my ExBPDGF (26 YO) for almost four months, and I broke up with her five weeks ago, and it feels like a roller coaster... This was my first relationship ever, yet she had been in 4 or 5 relationships since she was 16. She hasn't been single for more than a couple months.

When we began dating I was unemployed at the time, I took a year off, and next week I'm about to start a new job as a Data Scientist in a new city, so I have to move and start a new chapter in my life.

She came from a lower middle class family. I come from an upper middle class family. To me money was not an issue, I didn't really care about her assets, yet she would constantly call me names due to this (snob/posh might be an accurate translation).

She was diagnosed, she disclosed it very early into our relationship (first couple weeks), she went to about two or three different psychiatrists, was on venlafaxine and was seeing her therapist about once a month.

She had a really bad childhood, there was sexual abuse, neglect and yet she still finished her undergrad in psychology and got a masters in child psychology with little to no support from her family. Her father died six years ago, she told me he was the only one who actually helped her a little.

The thing is that during the relationship she stopped her meds for a week because she forgot to buy it and ran out, and she also stopped the therapy for a while because she had no time or money.

She was working 44 hours per week at her regular job + 6 to 10 hours per week at her second job (private clinic), and it took her about 90 minutes to get to her workplace. She was constantly tired, and was in debt, she had no savings.

I really felt like she was trying really hard to improve her situation, yet she always had trouble staying employed, she always told me she was bullied in her previous jobs, same with the one she has now.

I helped her by always bringing fruit, snacks and food in general whenever we met. Her diet was really bad. She would have some bread for breakfast, instant soup for lunch and pasta for dinner.

I read a lot about BPD early on, I read a few reddit posts and there were two main subreddits. BPDLovedOnes and BPD.

One told me to run as fast as I could, the other talked about how dehumanizing the label is and that they are people who can be very compassionate and very good partners if given a chance. I decided to give her a chance and try to see beyond the label.

The relationship was very chaotic, we had few great moments, plenty of mediocre moments, and a fair share of really bad fights. During the first month we fought about three times, we almost broke up once or twice, and she made it seem it was always my fault due to my inexperience in dating. She would say I was sabotaging the relationship.

The first fight was because I told her I did not see myself living with her yet, that I was not comfortable moving a relationship that fast. She talked about moving in together the second week and then during the fourth week. She said she did not want to date a kid, that she was looking for a man she could have a family with.

She talked about how she would be a mom before 30 no matter what, whether she had a partner or not did not matter. I do not want to be a father before I'm in a stable position, I don't want to rush it.

The second fight was because she sent me a picture at 21:00 which I just liked, but didn't comment, since I had dropped her off at her house at 20:00 and then I met with a couple of friends.

I sent her a message at 08:00 in the morning and she was furious because I didn't say anything about the picture. she was about to cancel our plans for the next day. We were going to visit a very important person in my life, who I consider my second mother. It took me about two hours to calm her down.

The third fight was about STD tests, we both agreed to them, and even went together to the clinic. We shared the first three results, and the last one, HIV, was only delivered by hand. When she picked her envelope, she told me it was okay, when I asked to see it, just like we had done with the previous three tests, she said I didn't trust her and if seeing the test was more important than our relationship, she could show me the test results, but it would mean the relationship was over. It took me quite a while to understand what she was talking about...

She showed me the results later that night, we had sex, but I didn't feel good about it. In hindsight, I didn't feel safe around her, and sex rarely felt good. I was a virgin before dating her.

I felt shame, and did not talk to anyone about what I was feeling, just her. She downplayed it, said it was okay, that she'd take care of me.

We also talked about birth control. She said she had an IUD (Kyleena) and showed me a small piece of paper her doctor gave her with the date it was placed, but that was it. I asked about getting the IUD tested, to see if everything was okay and she refused at first, said I didn't trust her, we fought about it. Next week she agreed to it, but never booked the appointment. When I asked her about it she brought the trust issue again. Next time I asked the problem was money. the test was about $30....

I used a condom every time, yet she always had a problem with me using condoms, she would always say things like: "we would have sex more often if you didn't use a condom", or "It would feel better without it". I stood my ground, I won't risk my future.

I was smart enough to keep a log about these events, and I have a note where I was seriously considering ending the relationship. In between there was the constant devaluation, she talked about how I was always at fault, how I was basically sabotaging the relationship.

The thing is that I began thinking she was right....

After the STD incident, the next three weeks were lovely, we went on picnics, went camping and had a pretty good time. Then she began feeling sick, we went to a clinic, she took quite a few tests to rule out stuff and a blood sugar test came off. We went to the doctor, told him about her work schedule, her diet and the test results and she was given 30 days off. He said it was Somatic

She lived far, it took me 30 minutes to get there by car, and if you took public transport it took about 70. She began staying at my place more often. It was a good month, we had a good time.

But even if we had good times, there were quite a few sleepless nights, since she had frequent nightmares and she would wake up and cry.

Then she went back to work and everything became sour again. She had problems with a few coworkers, said she was constantly being excluded and that since her boss had just quit, she was made the one in charge with no extra pay.

Then she also had a fight with her sister and was asked to move out of the family house (long story, but as far as I could tell, their mom heavily favored her sister (34 Yo)).

I helped her to look for a small apartment. She could only afford the cheapest ones, at around $250 per month, she went to two, but didn't like them. Then she looked at the $400 ones that she could not afford. She made around $1000 per month and was about $1200 in debt with monthly payments of about $140. She asked me for money to pay her rent. I told her I couldn't help her with her rent, but she was welcome to stay with me at my parents house so she could save and move later on.

I paid for the truck to move all her stuff, I even injured my shoulder carrying stuff. I told her a few days later about my injury, at first she was really sweet, but a few days latter she made fun of me, because I didn't want to lay on my side.

She only lived with me for three weeks. During that time I basically became her caretaker. I made breakfast, lunch and dinner. I drove her to her job every day, it took me 1 hour. I did the laundry, cleaned the bedroom, washed the dishes, paid for 90% of our expenses and listened to all her problems. Some days I just felt like a trash can where she would just dump everything.

Whenever I would bring any of the above, she would say she's having a really hard time at her job, and that she was feeling depressed.

I knew the relationship was over due to all the damage I was dealt. During the last two weeks before breaking up, my stomach hurt whenever I heard she sent me a message and my head would hurt whenever she called me.

One hour before I broke up with her, she told me she had talked with her new boss, they had come to an agreement, she also was going to see a new psychiatrist, and had already booked two session per month with her psychologist. These were things I asked her to do for quite a while.

At this point in time, I did not trust her.

The last straw was when she kept me sleep deprived because she had a nightmare, and the next night she had a crisis and cried. I was exhausted and couldn't keep up. I just laid in bed, trying to make sense of everything that had happened. It was around 22:00, we still had not eaten dinner, I was hungry. After she stopped crying she began eating snacks on her own, and called a friend to tell her how I ignored her and how hard the relationship was while I was next to her. My energy levels where around 2%, i was reaching my limit and I made sure she knew. She just ignored it.

I broke up with her after I just couldn't handle the abuse anymore. She pleaded for me to reconsider my decision, she promised she wouldn't hurt me anymore, that she would change. I still said no.

My plan was to have an amicable break up, I even offered for her to stay at my place for a week until she got paid and could figure out what to do next. She refused and moved to her mom's place (who she didn't like / trust)

Next day we talked, I still liked her and wanted to help her. I proposed to continue being friends or even friends with benefits (my mistake), yet she declined. She did me a favor by leaving early and refusing to continue as friends.

Two weeks later, she came to pick some of her things, and after she had everything in the car, she followed to my room and we "talked". She basically told me that all the problems we had were so easy to solve, that she had already solved most. She was in remission, she had fixed the problems she had at her job and she was getting along with her family. That it was basically my loss, because I didn't want to keep working on the relationship and talk things through. I cried and called her lies, she just hugged me and wished me the best. The problem was that I couldn't read her emotions at all, it was like I was talking to a robot, she just followed a script.

She also said I would never find another girlfriend as caring as her, I would never find another girlfriend who would understand me. I would hope I never find another girlfriend like her

During our relationship she diagnosed me with ASD among other things, with little to no input on my side, and blamed my "ASD" when I broke up with her. My therapist said it made no sense.

It took her almost a month to pick all her stuff up, and she was very hostile during the entire process. She would constantly tell me to do the moving myself, since she had no money and no time.

After sending her an email on the 18th asking for her to pick everything by August 31st, she said I was harrasing her, and decided she would cut all communication, and her Colleague would contact my dad to arrange everything...

In the end a 40 YO female colleague helped her. It took four or five trips with a pickup truck to move everything.

After ending the relationship I have been reading as much as I can about the healing process, BPD, boundaries, validation and pretty much everything I can think of in this forum, to be able to continue working on myself.

I've talked to as many friends, family members, done as many hobbies as I can (Writing, reading, running, trekking, going to the movies, to concerts, literary events).

It was really hard. Whenever she would come to pick her stuff up she would give me the silent treatment and I would be in pain. It is really hard to understand how someone you thought loved you can be so indifferent. she's a great professional, she is really good with kids, not so good with the adults.

I know we won't be a couple again, it wasn't a healthy relationship, and I'd be in pain.

I don't think I hate her, I want to keep the good memories, forgive and learn from the bad memories and to stop her from living rent free in my head.

For the first time in my life I've been going to therapy. It's been helpful, since after this relationship I realized a have a lot of issues from my childhood I have not taken care of.

I believe she did love me as best as she could, it's just that it wasn't healthy. My needs would never be met.

After the break up, I thought I was in a pretty good mental state, but on the 27th on august, I went to a literary event with a friend we had in common and my ExBPDGF was there. They hugged and when she saw me, she barely said hello. When the event was over, she just left and later she texted our friend telling her she had abandoned her by being with me.

I handled the silent treatment, I didn't think much about her, but seeing her be mean to someone else made me realize she's still not OK.

I feel compassion, I can't imagine how hard her life was, is and will continue to be. But I didn't cause it, I dont have the cure and I can't be in charge of fixing her.

She has to want to work on herself and stick to it.

Now I just want to continue my own healing process. I know it's not linear, this weekend was specially hard. I'm trying to figure out my new job, trying to figure out where I'll be staying and detaching from this relationship.

It's been five weeks since the break up and I still cry when I think about her.

It felt nice to write this post. I'm pretty sure I missed a few details, but I think I got the important part out.

Thank you for reading, may you find peace.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the site. Sorry to read the circumstances but you're not alone and everyone her has experienced what you've been through, as BPD is such a scripted illness and always runs the same way, leaving us nervous wrecks after trying our best.

This part of your post struck me first;

She basically told me that all the problems we had were so easy to solve, that she had already solved most. She was in remission, she had fixed the problems she had at her job and she was getting along with her family. That it was basically my loss, because I didn't want to keep working on the relationship and talk things through.

Her problems are not easy to solve -  as I'm sure you already know. Her saying 'I'm fine now' doesn't make it so. We all hoped that our BPD partner would one day see us for the loving and genuine people we are and magically change for the better but it never happens.

From what you wrote you seem to be a very caring and dedicated person and it's important that you don't feel that you've caused the problems. BPD's will project their faults onto you as, in their minds, they are always the victim. Even if they realise that they've done wrong they still can't cope with guilt and so will try to make you the villain.

Remember the Three C's.. you didn't Cause her illness, you can't Control her illness and you cant' Cure her illness.

Don't feel guilty about ending such a relationship; all we can do is try our best - which you certainly have done - then we must think of our own sanity and well-being; We're entitled to a good and happy life, not to end up as caretakers and punchbags.

Easy to say but hard to do, as the attraction to our BPD partner is such a strong one, no matter how badly they treat us. I was with my partner for four years and the final decision to stay broke up was so hard but I knew it was for the best as things were getting worse.  Sometimes by staying with someone all you're really doing is enabling them and saying 'I'll take all the grief you're giving me and come back for more'.

Concentrate on yourself and get back into life again; it will get better but it takes time. You had  life before your partner and you will have one again.  I met my ex-partner's sister some time ago and she said my ex had never changed one bit and was still acting the same with her subsequent partners so I definitely dodged a bullet.

It may not seem like it now but it may be for the best.

Best wishes.

[Pook075]

It's been five weeks since the break up and I still cry when I think about her.

Five weeks is just the blink of an eye, it's completely normal to still be struggling and replaying what happened in your mind.  It's because so much of what happened is counter-intuitive and defies logic. 

You're right though in that she's sick and that deserves compassion.  As much as she hurt you, she hurts herself even more when her emotions spiral out of control.  That's why she has a problem with her mom, with her boss, etc.  They all experienced what you experienced, they're all just as confused.  But BPDs hurt the ones they're closest to the most (you, her mom, etc).

Time is on your side, so continue doing what you're doing.  It's all good stuff, the habits, the therapy, the hobbies.  This will fade in time and eventually you'll meet someone very different that simply loves you for you.

[Peace_First]

Thank you Under The Bridge for your kind words.

Her problems are not easy to solve -  as I'm sure you already know. Her saying 'I'm fine now' doesn't make it so.

I do understand it, but it's still not easy to digest. I honestly wanted to believe she was telling the truth, not for my sake, but for hers.

Seeing her a few days ago at the literary event made me realize she's still hurting, maybe she's even worse. Now she directed her anger towards our friend, just because she went to the event with me.

Don't feel guilty about ending such a relationship; all we can do is try our best - which you certainly have done - then we must think of our own sanity and well-being; We're entitled to a good and happy life, not to end up as caretakers and punchbags.

I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what I expected from a relationship, even though I had never been in one. My goal is to have a partner who will have my back, just like I will have hers. I expect us to help each other be better persons, to grow both as individuals and as a couple. Above all, I want peace, a simple life.

I have come to realize that there are a few things I won't ignore anymore, my values. There are a few things I'm not willing to compromise on.

These are things I've been doing myself for a long time.

I want a partner who doesn't drink nor smoke.
I want a partner who takes cares care of her body (exercising, health care in general, good diet).
I want a partner who can plan for the future (savings, being financially responsible in general).

My exBPDGF didn't drink nor smoke, but she didn't take care of her body nor was she able to plan for the future. I tried to teach her as much as I could, while she did improve a bit, I think it kinda looked like dating a smoker and complaining she is still smoking after I told her to stop. It's not my right to change her.

One day after I broke up with her, I got a notification that she spent a third on her salary at a local retail store. I deleted her email from my computer after I found out it was still logged in.

I don't really need someone who has the same hobbies I do, I'm not looking to date my clone. I'd love to learn about different things, maybe I could pick up new hobbies, but not for the sake of doing it with her, but because I actually enjoy it.

Don't feel guilty about ending such a relationship; all we can do is try our best - which you certainly have done - then we must think of our own sanity and well-being; We're entitled to a good and happy life, not to end up as caretakers and punchbags.

Easy to say but hard to do, as the attraction to our BPD partner is such a strong one, no matter how badly they treat us.

Concentrate on yourself and get back into life again; it will get better but it takes time. You had  life before your partner and you will have one again. 

Thanks, I did try my best. I went through quite a few resources, trying to understand how I could improve and be a better partner. We had an inside joke, I was about to receive my diploma in psychology from the university of "exBPGGF" due to all the things I studied and researched.

I don't know if her being my first partner meant it had a bigger impact or not, but I don't actually regret dating her, I learnt a lot. I'm just going to keep on living, while I did suffer, I got my life going as soon as I could after the break up. I went to as many cultural activities I could find, I visited as many friends as I could and kept exercising regularly.

What shocked me the most was that a few days after we broke up I went for a light run (about 4 km). My shoulders and neck hurt worse than when I do calisthenics. I can only imagine how stressed I was.