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[Despondent Mom]

My grown daughter has BPD and is a single mother to my 3 year old granddaughter. My husband's job recently transferred us out of state, and my daughter and granddaughter came along and are living with us. I never know what is going to be a trigger for my daughter, or what mood she will be in. Whatever my response is, it's wrong. When I try to listen and not speak, my facial expressions set her off. She calls me horrible, derogatory names and and has spit in my face several times over the last few months. She has gotten physical with me. My granddaughter has watched and listened as these meltdowns occur. The other night I was alone with my granddaughter and she told me that her mommy wanted her to die. I have heard her call her daughter damaging names and has told her she wished she had had an abortion. While my granddaughter is still very young, this has to take a toll on her emotionally. I am seeing some concerning behaviors with my granddaughter. I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel like a prisoner in my own home, and yet I can't throw her out because of my granddaughter. I feel so alone and helpless and would welcome any thoughts or suggestions.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Despondent Mom and welcome to the family. Your situation is truly terrible and I had to think for some time before responding.

I get derogatory names quite often – not had the spitting and it’s quite a while since physical contact. I imagine you have a sensation of dread when you wake in the morning: what will today bring.

Can I just ask a couple of questions:
Do either you or your DD work or have any regular times outside the home?
Is the home small or does it have quite a lot of space?
Does the child attend any childcare center? At what age do children start kindergarten where you are living?
Does DD care for the child each day or are you very involved in caring for her?
Has DD had a formal diagnosis of BPD and is she on any meds?
Did DD leave behind any friends etc when the move occurred?

One last one – do you think your DD is using any substances?

My DD self-medicated with various substances and I came to know the pattern – certain days would be binge days then withdrawal. When withdrawing my DD would lash out verbally at me – it felt like she was of her mind. Words would tumble out and often calling me a ‘dog’ would be part of it.

It is very worrying to hear what DD is saying to the child. I imagine the child turns to you for comfort and reassurance which would in turn inflame DD’s feelings of abandonment and anger.

What to do? I probably need to know the answers to the questions before I can think of specific things I would try. The things I am thinking of are based on creating space and also making sure that there are others who know about the situation eg your doctor.

I don’t want to go into suggestions that you may already have in place so I am hoping you will fill in some of the blanks in my mind by posting again.

In the meantime I am glad you posted. I can relate very well to what you describe and it is just a nightmare. The fact that others understand this was a great help to me, and I hope it is to you also.

Sending thoughts . . .

[Sammy Jo]

Hi Despondent Mom,

I haven't been on the board in a while, and I just saw your post —it really touched my heart. I just wanted to let you know that you are understood, appreciated, and validated here.

I know you love your daughter, but what she's doing to your granddaughter is just so awful. As we all know, criticizing her won't work, and most of the time, empathy seems to work best. I hope you are in a position to take your granddaughter as often as possible and shower her with love. I do not have grandchildren yet, but I share this fear.

We all know boundaries are important. The spitting is absolutely a line you cannot tolerate unless you feel like your granddaughter is in danger. If you haven't already, please lay that out strongly, even if it means putting in a written contract. If she spits on you, she is not allowed . . . you decide what that will be, i.e., no contact for a specific period of time, no money if you're giving her any, etc. Boundaries are really, really hard, but they do work if enforced. I know your concern for your granddaughter complicates enforcing them. I assume your daughter may use seeing her against you.

What I often find helpful for my sanity is blocking my 23-year-old daughter for a day or two. My husband and I never block her at the same time in case there is a true emergency, but I often need that downtime to take care of myself. Is this something you could do?

I'm thinking of you and hoping for some better outcomes. Please use this forum. Many times, I come on just to read, because for many posts, I always feel like, "I could have written that myself," and that feels validating.

Good luck with this terrible situation. We didn't ask for it and neither did she, but we all play a part in making the most of it.

[Pinkcamellias]

My heart goes out to you and your grandchild. At this point her behavior is intolerable and crosses the line. Protecting your granddaughter is priority #1. I would journal what you observe daily, set boundaries, and be prepared for her to break them and seek court intervention when those boundaries trigger a violent response .