Struggling to take control over next steps following peBPD wife discard

[Rhdnrs]

Hi everyone. It’s been 6 months since discard. Can’t go no contact as gave son together. I don’t recognise my wife. Predictably a new supply from our area was lined up. She’s had him in our family home yet denies it. I know our relationship was toxic, I realise I developed codependency, she’s asked for divorce but wants to on her terms. This doesn’t work for me. I’ve told her now I’m filing but am struggling to hit button!! She has December my family. She’s often accused me of not being a real man! I believe following through and filing will allow me to take a little control over my future. She will see the loss of control as abandonment. But she’s abandoned me!! Am I right to take control? Nothing will change if not

[BeachTree]

Hi Rhdnrs,

I can see how tough this is, and it’s completely natural that it will take time to process and heal.

I think you’re right, as hard as it feels, filing yourself will help you reclaim some control over your future and put the focus back on your own well-being.

She might not like it, but she’s already made her choices. Now it’s your turn to make yours, and to live life on your terms.

[ForeverDad]

Hi everyone. It’s been 6 months since discard. Can’t go no contact as gave son together... I believe following through and filing will allow me to take a little control over my future. She will see the loss of control as abandonment. But she’s abandoned me!! Am I right to take control? Nothing will change if not

It is what it is.  And you do what you have to do.  Of course, if you try to "take control" you will face opposition and obstruction.  Around here, that's par for the course, though when I use that phrase I must admit at most I only have played putt-putt golf.

There are lots of points to be expressed and explained, more than can be written in one thread so please browse others' posts and the responses, perspectives and strategies.  Here are a few...

We here are reasonably normal but one otherwise excellent trait is that we try to be more than fair, so overly fair that we end up making it easy for the other to sabotage our good intentions.  So remember that you don't have to be overly fair in the midst of a divorce by overextending your Nice Guy or Nice Gal qualities.  You just avoid being nasty... you don't have to look out for your ex's interests, court will treat her more than fairly.

So what do you do?  Recognizing your adult relationship has failed and ended, keep in mind that there are other Priorities in your life:

• Priority #1 Your own health and welfare - if you're not in good mental and emotional shape how can to do your best for your children?
• Priority #2 Be the best and most involved parent you can be for your children - if possible, seek to be the primary parent (custody & parenting time schedule) in both the upcoming temp order and in the years to come.  Even if your ex and the divorce process try to limit your parenting, seek to make any settlements and court orders, including the initial temp order, as "less bad" as possible.