DIL

[Linda Jensen]

My mother was a Borderline.  My sister-in-law was a borderline.  I'm very concerned that my DIL is a borderline.  My husband has ADHD and we believe she has this as well.  She refuses counseling.  She is driving a wedge between my son and or grandchildren.  My son is codependent and we are constantly being blamed.  She feels "judged."  She doesn't feel "safe."  She has to be in total control.  We cannot resolve conflicts because of the triangulation. She refuses to speak and our son is her mouthpiece.  She plays the victim.  For my mother - it was always about her.  I think playing the victim is more of the all about her.  Our oldest grandchild is 11 years old and he has never been allowed to spend the night.  When we visit she has to constantly be listening and hovering.  I think she believes that we are a threat.  Our son seems to have the role of her protector and we are now the enemy.  I'm going to make an appt with a therapist who I trust to discuss this.  But I am wondering if these traits are typical of some with BPD.  I would greatly appreciate any insight.  Thank you, Linda

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and hopefully we can help you find some answers.

To answer your question directly, what you described is typical BPD behavior.  They tend to have favorite people (bestie, spouse, etc) and in their eyes, that person can do no wrong.  When conflict arises though, they turn to their favorite person to defend them exactly as you said.  This is incredibly common with in-laws in particular

You mentioned an 11 year old grandson so I'm guessing they've been married for quite some time.  Is that right?  And has that victim/rescuer dynamic ever changed during their relationship (like during arguments, break-ups, etc)?  Were you ever on good terms with the daughter in law?

If you think this through, your son wants a good relationship with his parents.  The DIL sees that as a threat...what if you tell your kid that she's being ridiculous (because she is...)?  So you become the enemy by default, and she must ensure that your kid values her over you.  It's silly and petty, I know, but that's the problem with mental illness.

Please ask tough questions, rant away, or whatever you need at any given time.  Seeing a counselor is a great idea and many us us have done the exact same thing.  Good luck, my friend, and welcome to the family once again!

[Linda Jensen]

Thank you for the response.  Dealing with these issues makes you doubt your sanity.  I have complained a couple of times to my son that I don't know my DIL anymore than when they were dating.  They have been married for 16 years.  She is so guarded.  I'm very transparent and am used to people opening up to me.  Not her EVER. 
I'm worried about my son.  About 6 months ago he was having serious issues with her.  She was threatening on leaving him with their 3 boys.  He's a physicist and has to travel for work.  She accuses him of being on "vacation."
I worry about the kids.  The oldest is the "all good" child.  He's become withdrawn and doesn't open up either about himself.  All if this is very disturbing. 
I just brought up to him that I'm concerned she has BPD.  His response to end our relationship and not allow us to see the grandkids.
My husband and I knew that this would happen at some point.   
I appreciate the insights.
Are you a therapist or fellow sufferer?
Thank you,
Linda

[Notwendy]

None of us here are professional therapists. We are all lay people connected to someone with BPD in some way.

The relationship between your son and his wife is a common dynamic when one person has BPD. However, seeing your son as the victim and the wife as the villain isn't accurate (or helpful). She may be in control but he also has allowed it. This is working for both of them somehow, even if he is not happy- he still chooses to not oppose her, for whatever his reasons are.

The Karpman triangle dynamics are a good explanation of what is going on.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Your son sounds a lot like my father who enabled and complied with my BPD mother's wishes. My BPD mother was in victim perspective. Dad took the role of rescuer. If anyone was perceived as a threat (persecutor) to her, or the relationship, Dad would step in, the two of them would bond together against the persecutor. Even family members if necessary. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It is very hurtful, but other family members can not change this relationship.

The only person who can change this is your son, and when, if that happens, it's hard to predict.

On your part, be aware that any time you speak of his wife to him, or console him if he comes to you to express his stress from the marriage- each of these is taking a role on the Karman triangle dynamics, and will lead to the two of them bonding together. The better action is to be neutral, say nothing. Be there for your son but don't join him in his complaints if he does. Instead, tell him you love him and trust he can handle it (whether or not he can). Try to avoid a role on the triangle as much as possible. Best to not say anything to him about his wife from now on.

It is good that you are getting counseling. I think it helps and especially since you've experienced a mother with BPD.

[Notwendy]

One of my BPD mother's fears is that people will be talking about her. She listened in on my phone calls with my father. If he and I were out running errands, she'd call every few minutes to ask where we were and what we were doing. She read my emails to him.

It wasn't just with me. My father passed away after a long illness and during this time, he had home health come check on him. She also listened at the door at them talking.

My father rarely vented to me but if I agreed with him, soon after he and my mother would align.

We did not dare say anything about her to anyone else. It was not allowed and if we did and parents found out, they'd be angry at us. Also you don't dare suggest anything is wrong with BPD mother or that she did anything wrong.

I found out the hard way- like you did- that if anyone said anything to her or abour her that even hinted at her needing help- they were "out"- including me at one point.

BPD mother disliked my father's family. That could not be repaired. While I know you are worried about the grandkids, hope for spending time with Dad's family was when we were older kids- teens. Even good teens can be a challenge to raise - you know that. So BPD was OK with sending us to Dad's family during school breaks. It gave her a break too.

If you have the chance to encounter your son and SIL-act pleasant, be cordial, friendly to the DIL. She's the one in control so it may help to stay on her good side.

[Pook075]

Thank you for the response.  Dealing with these issues makes you doubt your sanity.  I have complained a couple of times to my son that I don't know my DIL anymore than when they were dating.  They have been married for 16 years.  She is so guarded.  I'm very transparent and am used to people opening up to me.  Not her EVER. 
I'm worried about my son.  About 6 months ago he was having serious issues with her.  She was threatening on leaving him with their 3 boys.  He's a physicist and has to travel for work.  She accuses him of being on "vacation."
I worry about the kids.  The oldest is the "all good" child.  He's become withdrawn and doesn't open up either about himself.  All if this is very disturbing. 
I just brought up to him that I'm concerned she has BPD.  His response to end our relationship and not allow us to see the grandkids.
My husband and I knew that this would happen at some point.   
I appreciate the insights.
Are you a therapist or fellow sufferer?
Thank you,
Linda

I'm a fellow sufferer; both my ex-wife and my oldest daughter have BPD.  It runs in my ex's family through several generations.

The problem in your situation is that your son is probably under immense pressure at home.  You haven't seen the drama within their home because that's almost always hidden...if your son talks about it, his wife feels deeply betrayed and makes him miserable.  He loves his wife and his kids, so he "walks on eggshells" to keep the peace.  Yet things continue to spiral year after year.

Why does this happen?  Because a BPDs favorite person is seen through rose-colored lenses at first, and they can't possibly live up to the BPDs imagined standards.  So when your DIL began to realize that your son isn't perfect, she felt that she was tricked and betrayed.  That's why so few BPD marriages last- mine imploded after 24 years and I never saw it coming.

What can you do?  Be an ally to your son and let him know that you're there for him regardless, without judgement.  You can't imagine what he's been through- it's so much worse than what you've experienced and he probably feels like he's being torn in two directions.  She has isolated him so he doesn't listen to you or friends or neighbors or co-workers, all to control the family and make him live up to impossible standards.

I realize that I'm painting her like a super horrible person here, and in a way that's not fair at all.  She's mentally ill and sees things from a warped perspective, and she suffers greatly because of her mental illness.  If she's typical, then she second-guesses everything and is always in her head about whether or not your son actually loves her....it's a very sad, heartbreaking condition. 

She's doing what she thinks is best to protect herself and her kids.

If you talk to the DIL, try to clear the air and let it be known that you're on her side and want what's best for her.  Don't mention mental illness because that NEVER helps (how would you feel if someone told you that you're crazy?).  The way you speak with her has to be modified to avoid tension and drama, and this site is packed with practical tools through links along the top of each page.  Take advantage of them and please ask questions.