How long does a split normally last?

[Little_kitty]

I have gotten good at identifying when my significant other is having a splitting episode but I need help with knowing how long it lasts? Also what advice can be given to me on how to handle the mean things that are said to me when she is splitting?

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[Anonymous22]

Unfortunately, it all depends.  The one thing you can count on is that her mood cycles will most likely be predictably unpredictable.  My uBPDh has been in a cycle for over 6 months, where he has been in a good mood Monday evening to Wednesday evening, but switches Thursday morning and can't even look at me or respond to a single thing I say the rest of the time. (Before this, good days were Friday through Monday) But...this week, its been different and its Tuesday, where the last 6ish months he would be all about talking to me, hanging out and being around the kids and I, but he still hasn't shifted back from his switch yet.  I do notice that usually once every month or so, he usually skips a good round and then it goes back to the "usual" cycle.  Everyone has their own cycles, for some it is days and some hours.  You can usually count on her continuing her cycle...until she doesn't!  And then she starts a different one!   

As for how to handle the mean things that are said, I have found that the best thing to do is to remind yourself that this is not your issue, it has to do with her mental illness, and to physically walk away.  I once had a therapist tell me that every time my uBPDh starts in on me to say, "the most loving thing I can do for you right now is to walk away" and then to do so.  This is the short version, and I am sure that others will chime in soon with a more in depth answer. 

[Pook075]

This is a super-tough question because the official answer is that a typical splitting episode lasts minutes, but could continue for days or even weeks in extreme cases.

However, it's not just the splitting that's the problem.  For example, let's say in an altered state of mind, you come to the conclusion that the color yellow causes cancer.  You had that thought for one second only, but you accepted it as the plain truth and moved on.  That could mean 20 years from now, you're still avoiding anything that's the color yellow...even though you're not still in a disordered mind state.

Make sense?

The bigger issue here is correcting the disordered thinking in a loving, compassionate way.  If you see splitting, be patient and avoid direct confrontation- it's definitely not time to argue with logic.  Instead, show compassion and work on calming your partner to move past the worst of it.

[thankful person]

This is a super-tough question because the official answer is that a typical splitting episode lasts minutes, but could continue for days or even weeks in extreme cases.

Weeks in extreme cases? My wife split on me for the whole of 2023. Like literally hated me for the whole year.

[Pook075]

Weeks in extreme cases? My wife split on me for the whole of 2023. Like literally hated me for the whole year.

If experts in the field are correct, then that wasn't one splitting incident.  I am no expert though and don't pretend to know what's splitting versus what's disordered thinking or just regular hatred.

[thankful person]

If experts in the field are correct, then that wasn't one splitting incident.  I am no expert though and don't pretend to know what's splitting versus what's disordered thinking or just regular hatred.

I call it splitting, because she was on a daily basis ranting at me about how I was not good enough in every way. It completely seemed that I was “painted black” and that she saw me as a bad person and there was nothing I could do to get her back on side. I have observed a pattern which I think was linked to post natal depression (for around the first year of each baby’s life and closely related to her attachment and obsession with breast-feeding even though she struggled with it. In her case she could barely leave the sofa or her milk would suffer. 2023 was also particularly bad as we had just moved to a new area too and she felt very isolated. My daily posts on here throughout that year would confirm my experience, whatever you want to call it.

[Me88]

hmm...it's difficult to answer. In my situation, we could have an amazing, perfect day...weekend....heck even a week at a time. And the smallest thing ever would trigger an rage filled explosion followed by hours of me being screamed at. Me usually crying hahaha because I didn't want to be rude back, until I had enough and would blow up back.

We'd go to bed, probably have sex, and then wake up like nothing happened. Hers were usually half a day. At times she could hate me and a couple hours later come cuddle with me and tell me she loves me and wants to be together forever.

After larger arguments, it could be 2-3 days. Silence, surface level talk, a small kiss to her forehead, exchanging 'I love yous'.

So for me, anywhere from an hour to a few days depending on the circumstance.