Advice for marrying into a family with BPD mother-in-law

[curious_cat_08]

Hi everyone,

I’m engaged and in the process of planning my future with my fiancé, who happens to have a mother with untreated BPD.

Some background:
• His family is pretty textbook: witch/waif mother, absent/enabler father, golden child son, and scapegoat daughter.
• Before me, his mom was very enmeshed with him to the point of emotional incest and he was completely disassociated from his own emotions.
• She has a history of unstable relationships, intense fear of abandonment, emotional swings, threatening suicide, substance abuse, cycles of idealization and devaluation, ultimatums, crying wolf, selfishness, jealousy and lack of accountability.
• She has used almost every manipulation tactic in the book at this point. Mainly relies on fear, obligation and guilt (FOG).
• She has never actually met me. But she has stalked me, threatened me, said horrible things about me behind my back to the rest of his family, is very jealous of the relationship we have with my family, and blames me for ruining their family.
• My fiancé has never been close with his older sister because of the intense triangulation from their mom. His sister has cycled through periods of no contact but it never lasts. She has started to show similar behaviors. She has 2 kids whom I adore so we keep low contact (texts on holidays and birthday presents for the kids).
• We had been no contact with his mom but tried to reconnect for the sake of our wedding. As expected with any major life event or holiday, it brings out the worst in her. We are once again no contact.

I love my fiancé deeply, and we have been through almost a year of therapy to deal with this and are on our healing journey. We are aligned with our boundaries and in wanting a healthy, stable future together.

But I still worry about what it means to marry into a family where his mother’s BPD has shaped so much of their family dynamics. I want to understand what challenges may come up, especially once we have children, and what has helped others in similar situations?

My questions for the group:

• If you’ve married into a family with a BPD mother-in-law, what has that looked like for you?
• How have you and your partner set boundaries together?
• How do you balance empathy with self-protection?
• What advice would you give someone at the beginning of this journey?

I’d be so grateful for any insight or experiences you’re willing to share.

Thank you!

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  Great questions!

• If you’ve married into a family with a BPD mother-in-law, what has that looked like for you?

I married into a BPD family, although it was without realizing it.  My mother in law was highly against me as well and I couldn't understand it...there was no diagnosis though and the hostility came out of nowhere.  Long story short, we were not close for a number of years and I wanted little to do with her.

• How have you and your partner set boundaries together?

My wife (who also turned out to have BPD) was strongly on her mother's side for everything, even though she couldn't wait to be out of her parent's house to start a marriage.  What she actually wanted was freedom from being "their child" and the responsibilities that came with it, while also having her parents to spend a large part of her time with. 

I didn't understand what was happening and we broke up three times over the first few years, simply because I felt like I was still single doing everything myself (cooking, cleaning, shopping, working multiple jobs, etc).  Meanwhile, my wife was hanging out with her parents every day and just living her best life.

• How do you balance empathy with self-protection?

I realize what I've said so far doesn't help you at all.  But there is some truth in there you need to hear- your hubby will need a relationship with his mom.  Even if she's toxic and you're both in agreement that no contact is the best route, that only drives a deeper wedge that will surface later.

His mom, while mentally ill, will be there for the foreseeable future.  Make peace if you can and let her know that you're not an enemy, you're an ally.  You want a family relationship because it's good for everyone, and you never tried to relace her since the mom/son relationship is so important.  Encourage your hubby to follow suit, because he shouldn't have to choose wife or mom.  It should never be an either/or.  The marriage does come first though and that boundary has to be there.

• What advice would you give someone at the beginning of this journey?

My heart says, "Be very careful and go into this with eyes wide open."  You see the mom, the sister, and that will have an effect on your future hubby as well.  I'm not saying he's BPD, but he's been through it and that leaves a lasting mark.  My younger daughter (24) didn't realize until her late teens that our house wasn't normal...there was a lot that never should have happened.  She's not mentally ill but she had been through trauma that she had to process in a healthy way.

I wish you luck and please continue to ask specific questions.

[ForeverDad]

We had been no contact with his mom but tried to reconnect for the sake of our wedding. As expected with any major life event or holiday, it brings out the worst in her. We are once again no contact.

About a decade ago one of our members was planning her wedding.  She knew that somehow, in some way, her Borderline mother would try to make it about herself.

Fortunately, no disasters happened.  But perhaps that's because she had hired a couple off-duty police to provide security at the wedding and reception and they were stationed somewhat near her mother?

That was her own mother.  She knew what she was dealing with.  Likely you're fairly secure in withstanding abuse, guilting, manipulation and surprise pressuring.  What about your fiancé?  You mentioned how he was quite influenced by the manipulation and pressures of his family FOO (family of origin).  How much has he recovered?  Has he developed and stood by firm boundaries of proper behavior?

Boundaries don't work for other people such as those with BPD traits (pwBPD) so instead Boundaries are for us, what we are determined to do when others attack or try to slip around out appropriate boundaries.  In short, our boundaries are to protect us and guide us in how to respond when poor behavior, even abuse, arises.

A fine explanation is found in our Boundaries topics (and many more topics!) on our Tools and Skills Workshops board.

I doubt your future MIL has ever sought therapy.  Hallmark BPD traits are Denial, Blaming, Blame Shifting and unrelenting negativity.  There may be moments of seeming peace but they won't last without long term intensive therapy.  So... it is what it is.  If you do not expect her to change by much then any less opposition and obstruction will fell like a temporary gift, a brief calm in the midst of the hurricane.

BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships.  One aspect is that if you're somewhat removed from the center of the storm, the discord may be reduced.  So living some distance away is probably necessary.  No house sharing or living next door.  Distance apart has many benefits.  Distance is likely to be your friend.

Likely you will have to be on guard during any visits.  Limit the time together, even being prepared to exit if conflict starts.  For example, if/when discord starts, nip it in the bud by together stating you will exit until the negativity stops.  (I say together because the dysfunction tries to use the concept "divide and conquer". 

[Notwendy]

My questions for the group:

• If you’ve married into a family with a BPD mother-in-law, what has that looked like for you?
• How have you and your partner set boundaries together?
• How do you balance empathy with self-protection?
• What advice would you give someone at the beginning of this journey?

I’d be so grateful for any insight or experiences you’re willing to share.

Thank you!

First, I commend you and your fiance for going to therapy and being proactive over this situation. I also think the idea of balancing empathy with boundaries/self protection is a thoughtful approach.

I'm the spouse with the BPD mother so I'm not in the exact situation but I can share some of what it was like for my situation. One of my fears growing up was that people wouldn't like me if they knew about my mother's issues as if somehow her issues were my fault. That's not true, but for a child, we get these ideas and also she blamed us for her issues. I somehow felt it I needed to fix her, to make her happy and if I was good enough, nice enough, it may be possible.

This is not a rational fear but if your H feels this way sometimes, he may lean towards people pleasing, co-dependent behavior out of this fear. I would recommend your H also have some individual counseling- at times, if he needs to work on aspects of growing up with a BPD mother. I have not had continuous counseling but there have been times I did- to work on co-dependent behaviors and in my parents' elder years (they are both deceased now).

Also, because acceptance in my family of origin (similar dynamics as your H's) was contingent on complying with BPD mother's feelings and wishes, your unconditional love for your H is a huge positive thing for him. It means a lot. It's possible he may have to adjust to feeling secure in this, but we are capable of also loving unconditionally and having a different dynamic in our own families too.

As to the sister. If she has similar behaviors, it may not be that she has BPD. It's possible but also, a mother is a main role model for a daughter. It's inevitable we can have similarities to them. She might have BPD but also these may be learned behaviors. It would be up to her to work on them.

Like you and your H, I also took the path of trying to balance boundaries and empathy. In actuality, it felt more like walking a circus tightrope and sometimes falling off to one side or the other. Do the best you can with this- as I don't think there's a way to do this perfectly. Also, the pwBPD sees things from victim perspective, so that emotionally tugs at empathy- even if there's not been any intent to be hurtful. My BPD mother didn't like boundaries, reacted as if people were being hurtful to her and also challenged them. This required being firm but it sometimes felt like I was being a brute when I wasn't actually one. Doing so was not my nature, and so it didn't feel comfortable to do this.

I didn't do this early on as I didn't know any other way. I was one of the posters who wrote about my wedding. My parents paid for it so it was what my mother decided. All I knew to do was to go along with her. I didn't even think of my own ideas. It was a lovely wedding but it was her ideas, not mine. Most of the guests were her friends and family. I had to learn to have boundaries later on. It may be different with your wedding if your family and/or you and your H are financing it. You would have more say in this.

I am not the poster who had to have the police involved. My mother would not have acted up in front of her family and friends.

Be aware of Karpman triangle dynamics. While my H supported me in having boundaries, I took the lead on that. Some of the posters here have described that if they had boundaries with their MIL, the MIL took victim position and the H felt the pull to be rescuer to her. I like the idea of the two of you being aligned in the boundaries to avoid this.

Also, your FIL may align with MIL in these dynamics and so try to persuade your H to get back in line with the family dynamics of appeasing BPD MIL. He might also get angry at your H. My parents had a similar dynamic- Dad being passively compliant with BPD mother but not with us. If BPD mother was upset with one of us, he'd align with her and be angry too. This is difficult because I was attached to my father. It may appear that MIL is the main issue but the dynamics involve both parents.

[zachira]

I have so much respect for you and your future husband, all the work you are doing to understand how the behaviors of his mother with BPD affect you and other relationships in the family. My mother with BPD is deceased. My best advice is that your worst enemies can be the flying monkeys, who defend and support the disturbing behaviors of the disordered people in the family. I am currently no contact and low contact with many members of my large extended family. I have found that there are a few people who will get it and so many flying monkeys within in the family circle. Take steps especially to protect your children and also to have the kind of wedding you have planned. My BIL was furious with how my mother treated his children. My mother did not want any of her children to marry, did everything she could to sabotage their relationships. She treated my BIL very poorly even though he did all kinds of nice things for her. Best of luck in setting the boundaries you will need to revise as times goes on! Setting the boundaries is hard because we would really rather not have to cut out certain disordered people yet there are often no other alternatives.

[Methuen]

First of all, congratulations on your engagement, and upcoming wedding!

• If you’ve married into a family with a BPD mother-in-law, what has that looked like for you? My mom is undiagnosed BPD.  She is 89 now.  My husband is in your position as the in-law.  I would say that from his point of view, she has been a drain on his time and energy, because as I had to distance myself emotionally from mom, he took over the more practical tasks of doing her grocery shopping and taking her to appointments in order to support me so that I wouldn't have to do these things.  In our experience, a person with BPD doesn't age well.  It all gets much worse.  When my dad died 20 years ago, the behaviors amplified and life became much much much more chaotic, unpredictable, and stressful with her.
• How have you and your partner set boundaries together?
We are a solid team. This is because I don't "take her side". There are no "sides".  We consult on EVERYTHING.  Every email/text response to her -> everything.  We act as one.  This is the only way it can work in my opinion.  If your husband is disentangled from any enmeshment with her, this is a good thing.  She will try to manipulate his emotions to behave and do the things she wants him to do.  My mom was ruthless with FOGging me.  It was brutal.  It was my problem, and I had to figure out that I was the one that had to change how I was responding to her, because she wasn't going to change. What are some of our boundaries?  Living with us was a nonstarter.  Short visits.  I had to be in a good head space to visit her.  Don't visit when we don't have the emotional resources.  Don't do anything for her that she can do herself.  When she was still living independently, she had to find her own housecleaner.  She wanted me to do this for her.  She wanted me to cook her meals.  I used to bring her something when it worked for me, but there was no way I was going to let her become dependent on me for meals. So she had to find her own way to get meals. Her appointments had to be made for a time when my H was available.  She used to expect us to take time off work at a time that was best for her.  If she became rude or began blaming/attacking me, I would promptly leave.  One time I left her house so suddenly I picked up my shoes and carried them outside.  I didn't even take the time to put them on.  I returned to work out of retirement to be unavailable to her.  That was 5 years ago.  I am still working. We have so many boundaries, they've just become our normal.  Eventually she got used to them, but I can tell you the push back in the beginning when we started having boundaries almost gave me a nervous breakdown.
• How do you balance empathy with self-protection? We have always treated her well.  We are kind, compassionate people and have treated her with kindness, despite how she has treated us at times.  We stay composed, and if we know we can't hold to that, we leave. When she gets chaotic, we pull away for a spell.  When she is "regulated" we are available. We understand WHY she is the personality she is (abusive FOO, and mother dying when she was 14), but that doesn't give her a free ride to treat us the way she was treated.  So our form of self-protection is our boundaries.  She gets treated very well, despite how poorly she has treated us at times. We have chosen to take the high road, and not treat her the way she has treated us at times. I occasionally bring her baking treats.  We do the things for her that are necessary, and have been generous with the extras - but on our terms (not on her demands).  The self-protection piece is very very important.
• What advice would you give someone at the beginning of this journey? Expect the unexpected.  As informed as you sound, and as knowledgeable about BPD as you sound, their behaviors will catch you unprepared.  The chaos they can bring into daily life cannot be anticipated in advance.  There is no predictability to their decisions, their emotional reactivity, and their behaviors, which can be unreasonable and irrational, and can even cause themselves harm (which they don't see).  So - just expect the unexpected.

Your situation may be different, but this has been our experience.  We are the only family for 800 miles.  It has been difficult. 

I should also mention, H and I have done therapy together for years now, so we do have professional support which has been amazing.  You are already doing this, so good on you and your husband.  As long as you stay a team and work together, that is the most important thing.  The rest is noise. 

[Notwendy]

My heart says, "Be very careful and go into this with eyes wide open."  You see the mom, the sister, and that will have an effect on your future hubby as well.  I'm not saying he's BPD, but he's been through it and that leaves a lasting mark.  My younger daughter (24) didn't realize until her late teens that our house wasn't normal...there was a lot that never should have happened.  She's not mentally ill but she had been through trauma that she had to process in a healthy way.

Yes, I agree, having a mother with BPD does affect us kids, but how much can vary. BPD is does not follow a dominant pattern of genetics. There isn't a specific known gene for it. There is a genetic aspect to it- but also family dynamics have a role in that too. Just like other variable conditions, it may or may not occur in a family.

My mother had BPD, but her children do not have it. I think there are a couple of distant cousins on her side that may have BPD but nobody in her immediate family does.

One of my fears was that people would judge me because of my mother, but each person is a unique individual.

So I agree that eyes wide open to potential issues is a good idea, but also to not let the possible issues affect how you perceive your fiance. He is not his parents. That he's aware of the issues in his family and is joining you in therapy is a positive, and is already a difference between him and his parents.

All relationships have their challenges. It's not a perfect road with anyone. But the two of you being aligned in navigating them is a good thing.