How to Set Boundaries with my GF of 10+ years (diagnosed BPD)

[mpcyou]

Hi everyone,

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a decade. She has a diagnosis of BPD and struggles with social anxiety. We share a deep connection, but our relationship has become incredibly difficult in recent years. Largely due to my own past behaviors, she has lost significant trust in me, to the point where she has refused to see me for years. I fully acknowledge my past failings in handling conflict—often resorting to avoidance and people-pleasing—and I am now actively trying to learn and change.

Recently, I've started making adjustments:

I have ended non-work-related conversations with a colleague (d) and established clear boundaries. I now recognize this was a way for me to escape our relationship problems.

I have stopped using porn, which I see was contributing to my emotional exhaustion.

I am learning about setting healthy boundaries and re-identifying my own core values that are essential to my well-being.

Despite these efforts, I still feel lost. I want to learn how to protect myself while doing my best to maintain the stability of our relationship. Here are my most pressing questions, and I would be grateful for your advice.

1. How to Establish and Enforce Boundaries Around My Core Values?
In the past, I promised "unconditional love," but this led me to sacrifice my own identity and caused me immense pain (e.g., being forced to curse my most beloved relative just to prevent her from having a meltdown). I now understand that healthy love must have boundaries.

My core values include:

Family Connection: Maintaining a normal relationship with my parents and fulfilling my responsibilities to them when they are in need.

Personal Respect: Having my beliefs, feelings, and important relationships respected.

Professional Needs: Requiring uninterrupted time and space to focus on my work.

Emotional Autonomy: Having the right to my own feelings and thoughts during a conflict, without being required to completely surrender to her perspective.

My question is:

Should I clearly communicate all these core values at once? I'm afraid that if I state the ultimate consequence—"If these values are continually violated, I may have to leave the relationship"—she will perceive it as a threat, leading to a severe emotional breakdown. Is this kind of breakdown an unavoidable part of the process of setting boundaries? How can I frame this to minimize her fear of abandonment?

2. Should I Disclose Past Avoidant Behaviors?
During periods of emotional burnout, I used porn and conversations with my colleague (d) as a means of escape. She is unaware of these past behaviors, and I have now completely stopped them. She holds an extremely high standard for "purity in love."

I've heard the saying: "Honesty should be constructive, not just a way to clear your own conscience." If disclosure will only cause destructive damage without helping the relationship to heal or grow, perhaps it's something that needs careful consideration.

My questions are:

a. To Disclose or Not? In this situation, should I disclose these past behaviors?
b. How to Disclose? If I do, how can I frame it as a constructive conversation rather than a confession just to relieve my own guilt? And how should I handle the potential meltdown that would follow?

3. How to Handle "Conditional Responsibilities"? - The Case of Caring for My Parents
This is my biggest struggle. She is highly sensitive about my contact with my parents. Her proposed "solution" is that if my parents genuinely need help, I can go, but only on the condition that I "skillfully persuade" her first. I cannot simply state, "I need to go."

This terrifies me. Caring for my parents is a core responsibility for me—it's a non-negotiable bottom line. If I have to "ask for permission" and rely on my "persuasion skills," it feels like my fundamental duties can be vetoed by her at any moment.

My questions are:

a. On the Nature of "Skill": I interpret her use of the word "skill" as a way to turn my non-negotiable bottom line into something vague and subject to her approval. Is my understanding correct? Can a core, unshakeable boundary be handled with this so-called "skill"?
b. How to Communicate the Bottom Line: After clarifying the above, how can I firmly but gently communicate that "caring for my parents is my responsibility; it is a fact, not an option"?
c. How to Minimize Conflict: While holding firm on this, what can I do to soothe her anxiety and help her feel more secure? How can I separate "This is my duty" (the non-negotiable part) from "I care about your feelings, so let's discuss how I can do this" (the negotiable part) and communicate both clearly?

4. The Long-Term Viability of the Relationship & An Exit Plan
I truly hope that by changing myself, I can steer our relationship toward a healthier place. But I also fear that if she continues to refuse any form of change (like therapy or self-regulation) and my boundaries are constantly challenged, we may not be able to continue.

My questions are:

a. Communicate in Advance? Do I need to tell her in advance that breaking up is a possible outcome if nothing improves? Or will this only amplify her fears?
b. A Gentle Exit: If it comes to the point where I must end the relationship, how can I design an exit plan that minimizes the harm to both of us?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I look forward to your valuable insights and experiences.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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