How to Set Boundaries with my GF of 10+ years (diagnosed BPD)

[mpcyou]

Hi everyone,

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a decade. She has a diagnosis of BPD and struggles with social anxiety. We share a deep connection, but our relationship has become incredibly difficult in recent years. Largely due to my own past behaviors, she has lost significant trust in me, to the point where she has refused to see me for years. I fully acknowledge my past failings in handling conflict—often resorting to avoidance and people-pleasing—and I am now actively trying to learn and change.

Recently, I've started making adjustments:

I have ended non-work-related conversations with a colleague (d) and established clear boundaries. I now recognize this was a way for me to escape our relationship problems.

I have stopped using porn, which I see was contributing to my emotional exhaustion.

I am learning about setting healthy boundaries and re-identifying my own core values that are essential to my well-being.

Despite these efforts, I still feel lost. I want to learn how to protect myself while doing my best to maintain the stability of our relationship. Here are my most pressing questions, and I would be grateful for your advice.

1. How to Establish and Enforce Boundaries Around My Core Values?
In the past, I promised "unconditional love," but this led me to sacrifice my own identity and caused me immense pain (e.g., being forced to curse my most beloved relative just to prevent her from having a meltdown). I now understand that healthy love must have boundaries.

My core values include:

Family Connection: Maintaining a normal relationship with my parents and fulfilling my responsibilities to them when they are in need.

Personal Respect: Having my beliefs, feelings, and important relationships respected.

Professional Needs: Requiring uninterrupted time and space to focus on my work.

Emotional Autonomy: Having the right to my own feelings and thoughts during a conflict, without being required to completely surrender to her perspective.

My question is:

Should I clearly communicate all these core values at once? I'm afraid that if I state the ultimate consequence—"If these values are continually violated, I may have to leave the relationship"—she will perceive it as a threat, leading to a severe emotional breakdown. Is this kind of breakdown an unavoidable part of the process of setting boundaries? How can I frame this to minimize her fear of abandonment?

2. Should I Disclose Past Avoidant Behaviors?
During periods of emotional burnout, I used porn and conversations with my colleague (d) as a means of escape. She is unaware of these past behaviors, and I have now completely stopped them. She holds an extremely high standard for "purity in love."

I've heard the saying: "Honesty should be constructive, not just a way to clear your own conscience." If disclosure will only cause destructive damage without helping the relationship to heal or grow, perhaps it's something that needs careful consideration.

My questions are:

a. To Disclose or Not? In this situation, should I disclose these past behaviors?
b. How to Disclose? If I do, how can I frame it as a constructive conversation rather than a confession just to relieve my own guilt? And how should I handle the potential meltdown that would follow?

3. How to Handle "Conditional Responsibilities"? - The Case of Caring for My Parents
This is my biggest struggle. She is highly sensitive about my contact with my parents. Her proposed "solution" is that if my parents genuinely need help, I can go, but only on the condition that I "skillfully persuade" her first. I cannot simply state, "I need to go."

This terrifies me. Caring for my parents is a core responsibility for me—it's a non-negotiable bottom line. If I have to "ask for permission" and rely on my "persuasion skills," it feels like my fundamental duties can be vetoed by her at any moment.

My questions are:

a. On the Nature of "Skill": I interpret her use of the word "skill" as a way to turn my non-negotiable bottom line into something vague and subject to her approval. Is my understanding correct? Can a core, unshakeable boundary be handled with this so-called "skill"?
b. How to Communicate the Bottom Line: After clarifying the above, how can I firmly but gently communicate that "caring for my parents is my responsibility; it is a fact, not an option"?
c. How to Minimize Conflict: While holding firm on this, what can I do to soothe her anxiety and help her feel more secure? How can I separate "This is my duty" (the non-negotiable part) from "I care about your feelings, so let's discuss how I can do this" (the negotiable part) and communicate both clearly?

4. The Long-Term Viability of the Relationship & An Exit Plan
I truly hope that by changing myself, I can steer our relationship toward a healthier place. But I also fear that if she continues to refuse any form of change (like therapy or self-regulation) and my boundaries are constantly challenged, we may not be able to continue.

My questions are:

a. Communicate in Advance? Do I need to tell her in advance that breaking up is a possible outcome if nothing improves? Or will this only amplify her fears?
b. A Gentle Exit: If it comes to the point where I must end the relationship, how can I design an exit plan that minimizes the harm to both of us?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I look forward to your valuable insights and experiences.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi there mcpyou and welcome to the group.

It's clear you're doing a lot of thinking about your relationship, your self, and what boundaries and values really mean -- that's a good foundation, no matter what happens. And I think I'm tracking with you that you want to put in your best effort to make things work.

There's a lot in your post but one question that stood out to me was whether you should communicate all your core values at once to her.

I'm guessing you are wondering if you should "have a big talk" with her where you tell her those things verbally -- is that right?

A question I'd have for you about that scenario would be -- what would be your goal? What would you hope would be the ideal outcome of that conversation? Based on history, what do you think would likely happen?

My thought is that it isn't actually required that we announce our values/boundaries to others, for us to still live out our own values/boundaries. Sometimes having "big talks" can actually damage relationships, so it's important to pause & think through our goals, and our (and our partner's) limitations as we decide on a wise and effective path forward.

Anyway, just some food for thought as you settle in here. Glad you found us -- keep posting whenever works best for you;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

3. How to Handle "Conditional Responsibilities"? - The Case of Caring for My Parents
This is my biggest struggle. She is highly sensitive about my contact with my parents. Her proposed "solution" is that if my parents genuinely need help, I can go, but only on the condition that I "skillfully persuade" her first. I cannot simply state, "I need to go."

This terrifies me. Caring for my parents is a core responsibility for me—it's a non-negotiable bottom line. If I have to "ask for permission" and rely on my "persuasion skills," it feels like my fundamental duties can be vetoed by her at any moment.

This is a frequent observation by many here... our parents, siblings and other relatives can easily be judged and cast as unworthy of our contact.  It may not be quite a demand at first, perhaps just unease, but over time to can become a major source of disagreement.

Boundaries are very important here.  Since pwBPD are prone to reject boundaries, we have to accept that Boundaries are for us, and so we have to ponder and establish Boundaries that respond to poor behavior or demands.  See the articles on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

In my case, as I watched my now-ex showing more intense traits of acting-out BPD, she gradually enlarged the list of her rejects.  It started with her coworkers, then when she changed jobs, it started again.  Then it progressed to our friends.  She kept a very few who depended upon her, but one by one she flamed out on the others.  Then it was my family.  One by one they got her triggered to the point that even my parents, by then in their 80s were rejected and I was virtually forbidden to take our preschooler to visit them down the street.  Finally, with so few approved contacts, she turned against the one person left, me.

So my concern for you is that the poor perceptions and behavior can easily intensify in the future, not get better on their own.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships and the baggage of the close relationship makes it hard for the other to truly listen to us.  (Evidence of this is that even after all the years together you probably haven't made much progress with your GF.)  That said, an emotionally neutral therapist has the highest likelihood of helping guide the other into improvements of perspective and skills, if the person can get past the typical Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

Of course, do not mention "BPD" since it can be perceived as a negative label.  Mentioning see a counselor probably should be addressed as "we" and not "you".  Or approach it with "can you come with me".

I will share what broke our relationship.  My ex and I were married for a dozen years, but things were gradually getting worse so I had the not-so-bright idea to have a child and she'd be happier watching a child discover the joys of discovering life.  To the contrary, it triggered her immensely due to her childhood environment, her FOO (family of origin).  So ponder soberly before deciding to have children, it may actually make the family life even more dysfunctional.

[Pook075]

As others mentioned, boundaries are ultimately for you, and you only react when someone crosses one of your boundaries.

For example, my wife says "no shoes in the house."  That's normal for her coming from Asian culture, but it's weird for Americans at first.  So let's say, a neighbor comes over, sees a pile of shoes at our front door, but tries to walk inside anyway with their shoes on.  What do we do?

Well, it's my wife's boundary and she decides how to enforce it.  If it's an elderly person, she probably wouldn't say anything at all.  If it was a neighbor kid, she'd tell them to get outside and take their shoes off.  If it's a regular-aged neighbor, then my wife would probably step out on the porch to talk to them and not invite them inside at all if they refused to respect her culture in the past.

Now let's talk about your situation with the exact same set of rules.  You create some boundaries- for instance, if my parents need help, I'm going to help.

Your BPD wife might want to discuss why you need to go each time, which crosses your boundary.  It's the same as a young kid running into our house with shoes on.  The boundary is broken, but so what?!?  The part that actually matters is how you respond to your wife when she doesn't respect your boundary.

If I had this conversation with my wife, it would go something like this:

Me: "Honey, my parents need me for a bit and I'll call you once I'm on my way home."

Wife: "Why?  What do your parents want you to do?"

Me: "I'm not completely sure, but at their age I will always help whenever my parents need me." (this is my boundary statement)

Wife: "Well, I don't want you driving all the way over there for something dumb.  Tell me what they said and what they want..." (this is my wife pushing my boundary)

Me: "I love you and I'll get back ASAP, but I have to leave now.  I'll call you once I know more." (this is me defending my boundary...but also trying to affirm my wife while she makes an unrealistic demand based on my values.)

Wife: "I don't want you to go, your parents always do this!  Why can't you..." (this is becoming a circular argument, which I'm not going to have.  I'd kiss my wife on the cheek and leave).

What happens next?  You go and help your parents...and probably come home to a very angry BPD wife.  Maybe she pushes back more.  So I return to my boundary statement (I'll always show up for my parents because they always showed up for me). 

Again, maybe your wife escalates and demands for you not to do that anymore.  Maybe she screams or becomes aggressive.  Each and every time, you'll have to decide if you'll still stand behind your boundary.  If it turns into an argument, now we're at a different boundary that you'd have to create...what to do when we can't have a civil discussion?

Please understand that boundaries are extremely complicated and none of us got it right for a very long time.  Just remember that they're for you and if your boundary is crossed, then you need to make a predictable reaction every time. 
,
For instance, some parents tell their kids that they can't have dessert after dinner unless they eat all their veggies.  No matter what the kid may do, giving the kid ice cream with a plate full of broccoli will never lead to anything good.  If anything, it teaches to push back harder each time since rebellion gets rewarded.  That's why you must have a predictable response to all of the boundaries you create.

I hope that helps!