We Got back together, I would love some advice moving forward

[stevemcduck]

Hey everyone,
I used to post here a lot earlier this year when I was going through the fallout of my relationship with my ex, who has BPD. I just wanted to give an update, and honestly… to reach out because I’m struggling again.

After months of no contact and a lot of personal work, we ended up reconnecting. I wrote her a deeply personal book as a kind of closure gesture, and somehow it opened a door instead. She reached out, we talked for hours, and she was emotional, apologetic, and said she still loved me. It felt like the miracle I had hoped for during all those dark months, like maybe all the pain had been worth it.

We started seeing each other again, slowly at first, then she was coming up every weekend. We even went on holiday together recently, and in many ways, it was beautiful. She was sweet, loving, attentive, all the things that made me fall for her in the first place. She’s been open about wanting to move back near me, saying she wants to “be home” again.

But a few days ago, I found messages on her phone from when we she moved away and insisted it was just a break and she needed space but was working on herself and we were to have absolute no involvement with other potential romantic interest.the messages were between her and her old boss, and a few other men. They were sexual and cruel. They mocked me, called me weak, and said things that were honestly devastating to read, including sending me their conversations so I would kill myself. She’s deeply ashamed now, apologising constantly, and she swears she never slept with anyone. She’s letting me ask questions, trying to rebuild, and says she’ll do whatever it takes to earn back my trust. She even got a tattoo with my name to show her commitment.
And I believe she means it. But I can’t seem to stop replaying what I saw. I’m finding it hard to eat, to train, to focus. Some days I just want to sleep to get away from the thoughts. I keep catching myself wondering if she’s still lying about parts of it. I want to trust her, but part of me feels like I lost my dignity by staying. Then another part can’t stand the thought of losing her again. It’s a painful tug of war inside my chest every single day.

She even sent explicit videos to him on the day I travels 5 hours to visit her during that break period,  she said she didn't want to see me to him and I wouldn't leave her alone but that wasn't true, I offered to walk away many times but she she wanted to work things out.

I know trauma bonding plays a part in this. I also know she has BPD and her shame, impulsivity, and fear of abandonment all feed into this behaviour. But knowing that doesn’t make the hurt go away.

We have discussed BPD and she now knows she has it, and accepts that.

Right now she’s doing all the right things, FaceTimes, reassurance, showing accountability, and yet I still feel unsafe. I love her so much, but I’m not sure if love is enough to heal this.
If anyone’s been through something similar, rebuilding after betrayal, especially when BPD is involved, I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

How did you learn to live with the uncertainty and stop needing every truth?

How did you rebuild trust without losing yourself again?

Thanks to everyone here for being a space I can be honest in. I don’t feel like I can talk about this anywhere else.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hiiumaa]

Hi stevemcduck,

I‘m sorry for what you are going through.
This sounds really difficult.

My partner with bpd/npd cheated a few times via Facebook - sending some women flirting texts. I only know about it, because I know one of those women and she told me that he had contacted her and asked her to come around for s.e.x.

A few month ago he betrayed me in an emotional way with my best friend. At that time I needed space and distance to my partner, because he was extremely emotional abusive. Normally I helped him with paperwork because he lost his job, but in that phase, I didn‘t. So he contacted my best friend and asked her for help. Telling her, that I am so cruel to him. My best friend - who knew all about his abusive behavior agsinst me - helped him out. She enabled him in any way. One evening in the summer he moved flat - in her house - because she had a free flat. After the move ( I was there all day to help and left in the evening because I had to care for my animals ) they both had a meal together and went to the pub. They agreed to not tell me about it.Unfortunately ( or luckily? ) somebody who knows all three of us told me about it the next morning. I was shocked.

So - I understand your feelings and can imagine how difficult that is.

I ended the contact to my best friend. Also to my partner, because both of them just said I would be insane because of jealousy.

My partner came back after a few weeks. Trying to get back in the relationship. We meet up sometimes now, but I feel the trust-problem. The last time he said, we have to talk about what happened. Honestly - I doubt that talking will change my trust-problem.


I‘m also interested if anyone here could really trust again after things like that.

[ForeverDad]

So many of the Borderline patterns are dysfunctional... the repeated push-pulls, the broken promises, the denials of facts you've learned, etc.

Ask yourself... Is it worth the cost of dealing with recurring dysfunction?

Some have compared it to riding and endless roller coaster.  At first it exhilarating but then you get motion sickness from the constant chaotic ups, downs and sideways.  The thing is that roller coasters eventually come back into the station, though some may be allowed to keep riding.  It's up to you to decide whether it's wise to stay or wiser to step away.  After all, you know the tracks, the hills and the drops.  It's not like you haven't been there before.

What can change the dynamics that might make the relationships less unhealthy and less distressing?  Therapy is crucial.  Most people can't recover significantly from their issues on their own.  Would your partner agree to start and stick with meaningful therapy, probably for years?  And what about you?  Could you too seek to address your tendency to crave this sort of dysfunction?

[stevemcduck]

Hi Hiiumaa - thankyou for sharing the story and im sorry the happened to you, it is very devastating to read the messages like that when you love the person so much and you thought they loved you also. u fully understand the trust problem.

hi forever dad - thankyou for your input. She has said she want to start therapy. im in such a hard place as the pain to be without er again will be excruciating, however also the pain of what she did also hurts like hell all of the time

[kells76]

Welcome back, and it makes a lot of sense that you wanted to try again with your loved one. It's good to be reaching out for feedback and asking questions about how to work through this hopeful but also really painful time.

I want to add my vote for looking into therapy -- not just any kind, but perhaps something like "affair recovery" or another trust-rebuilding specific focus. I am not sure if there are couples who can "do it yourself" with trust recovery, especially when there are challenges like BPD as well. If your partner is currently receptive to therapy, that seems like a good area where the two of you can be on the same page and feel like a team seeking help together

Does she agree that there are trust issues in the relationship?

While this is not impossible to come back from, it probably will have some challenges, and won't be a "quick fix" -- but if you two can agree that things have been broken and you want to improve, there can be some hope.

[Pook075]

How did you learn to live with the uncertainty and stop needing every truth?

How did you rebuild trust without losing yourself again?

Those two questions are so tough because they're more about you than anyone else.  At the end of the day, you will learn to trust her or you won't.  It's about forgiveness and actually letting go.

What do you feel like you need to actually let go of those fears?  Think about it because it's not a trick question.

[Under The Bridge]

We all wish you the best in your reconnection, but we equally don't want you to get hurt again and go though all that you've endured before, so take it easy and don't expect too much; it seems like she's back in the idealisation phase again and is treating things as 'new' again.. but the many red flags are still there as you've seen. She's still totally non-commital and wants the option of you or the other guy. That is  BIG flag.

She needs to show the one thing that would convince you she's genuinely trying - commitment. By that I mean getting professional help for her condition which you say she now accepts she has. Without treatment the cycle will continue without end.

Even that isn't real proof unless she sticks to it; there are many posts on here about BPD partners going to therapy but giving it up for a myriad of excuses like ' I've gone for a few weeks now and I'm cured', 'I don't get on with the therapist' or in the worst case, all they do is moan to the therapist about how you are the problem and there's nothing wrong with them. You need to see real perseverance and determination to be sure that she has a chance of changing.

If you're really sure you want to try again then good luck to you.. just try not to expect too much, at least at this stage.

[hiiumaa]

Hi there!

I can confirm the words of you all.
My partner was in therapy the last year. But what happened was: 1.He left every therapist who really confronted him with his entitlement and emotional disregulation. 2. After a few weeks just said „oh, I‘m fine now. Don’t need these shrinks“ or „they can‘t help me anyway“ or „I told the therapist how horrible you have let me down endless times“ . 3. He told me, that he only needs a job, a house, the RIGHT partner - and everything will be fine.

I think, it is a good question to ask: „Why do I want to stay ( or go back ) in a relationship like that?

I‘m in therapy myself for a very long time. I have many issues like: not being able to set boundaries, people pleasing because a huge fear of being judged… I think, that feeds an unhealthy relationship.


So - why not let go a relationship where the partner is not able to see the core of the problems in the relationship? I even adressed that a few times very clear to him: „We are in a toxic relationship. From both sides. If we don’t really look at that BOTH, there is no Chance.“ He is not ready for that. And still a crazy little hope always glimps up again…

[ForeverDad]

hiiumaa, Your partner is refusing your help (typical since BPD is a dysfunction of close relationships) and therapeutic help (also common since Denial and Blame Shifting are typical of self-oriented BPD traits).

So since he refuses to even consider improving himself, then the ball is in your court, it's up to you to change your life.  Otherwise the past will be your future.  Your counseling may need to include codependency issues, among others.  You can and should choose your own better future even if that means your current relationship is sabotaging you.

Finally, please avoid having children until you know your concerns are fully resolved.  Believe me, I and many others did that and regretted it.  Having children does not fix major mental health issues in the relationship, instead it vastly complicates everything.

[Notwendy]

What you described can be seen through Karpman triangle dynamics with the new guy in rescuer position and you being in persecutor position, GF as victim. New guy is feeling like the good guy, rescuing her from you, having been painted as the bad guy here.

As much as this is hurtful to you, it's more about your GF getting her emotional needs met than about you. For this dynamic to work for her- someone has to be painted black.

For a pwBPD- feelings feel like facts. What she said may be about her feelings or even she doesn't believe they are true- but they work in the moment to get her needs met, keep her rescuer in this position, and the rescuer gets to feel superior in the moment.

In the moment, one person can be painted white, then black. There's a push pull dynamic to BPD relationships. If this is a long standing way your GF gets emotional needs met, it is unlikely to change in the short run.

This also happened when you were on a break. You were never meant to see these messages. My BPD mother would do this kind of thing- say hurtful things about the person in persecutor position that were not true- even she may not have believed it- but for her, being in victim position and having people be "rescuer" met an emotional need for her. She acted impulsively and in the moment. Maybe she felt shame or regret later but when she felt she needed something she did what she felt she needed to do.

Whether or not you can get past this yourself is up to you. If this is a deal breaker, then it is. If you can "look the other way" and take her at face value in the moment, then that is up to you too. One step to doing this could be to see these statements as not being personal to you, but more about getting her needs met in the moment.

I agree that forgiveness is a step to trust, but the two are different. Forgiveness is up to you. It's granted and also in your benefit. Trust also involves the other person's behavior. We can forgive someone for robbing our house but also decide to not give them the key to it if they repeatedly rob it.

If someone is genuinely remorseful and promises to not do it again, you might be willing to give them another chance. If they do it again, you have another choice to make.

It's your choice to trust her or not, as this kind of behavior could be a boundary and even a deal breaker boundary to some people. You can choose what this is for you. If you can not trust her, then this is something that will impact the relationship for both of you.

[hiiumaa]

Thank you, ForeverDad and Notwendy!

I think, you both are right. It‘s to the point.

ForeverDad, this is one fact that is absolutely clear to me: No kids. He knows that. I‘m 45 anyway… there is no desire for that from my side. And he is over 50.He still wants it - but it will Not happen with me.

stevemcduck, thank you for giving me space in your thread! Your question was so much fitting to my experiences!I will step back now because it‘s still yours.