BPD boyfriend upset I don’t communicate but ignores my attempts at communication

[paintingitblack]

My boyfriend of over 15 years (same sex couple fwiw) who has BPD is upset I don’t communicate with him enough but is actively ignoring me when I send messages to him. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try, it’s never enough for him to feel valued. He will see me communicating with someone else and perceive that I am communicating with them better. He tends to see every single thing as a competition, will always see himself as losing that competition, and when he sees himself as losing that competition, metaphorically takes his ball and goes home.

He essentially tells me that he is ignoring my messages because it is what I have done to him, but it isn’t. I understand my responses to his messages have not always met his expectations but I have never once in our entire relationship repeatedly 100% ignored things he sent me. He gets jealous that I am talking and communicating with others very easily and frequently, but it’s no surprise because they actually respond when I make attempts. I don’t understand how he can be so upset and hurt at me not communicating enough while actively ignoring my attempts at communication. I know it’s not kind or appropriate to throw around words like “crazy” but that’s a crazy behavior. It puts me in an impossible and no win situation. I truly know he is hurt but it’s so hard for me to deal with when his perceptions are not matching reality. His perception that this is exactly how I have treated him so his behavior is a just one is simply not accurate, not to mention extremely immature. He’s so great in so many ways but emotionally feels stunted at about 13yo a lot of the time and it wears on me.

I just needed to vent somewhere this morning I think. Any constructive replies are appreciated.

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[hiiumaa]

Hi paintingitblack,

this sounds very familiar to me.

I could imagine, that they carry a big lack of self-esteem deep inside. So - whenever they feel „not good enough“ they project this feeling to their partner. And there is this big black hole of emptiness inside of them. We cannot fill this black hole. They have to learn in therapy to really look at that „hole“ and work with it. I have a good friend who is BPD and in therapy for many many years. She is quite reflected about herself. She once said, that this black hole is so painful and makes her - still! - so scared, that her system just shuts down. For her it feels like a kind of autopilot in her behavior is taking over. She only wants to protect herself - she is not interested in the feelings of her partner then. After years of therapy she sometimes can tell her partner now, when she feels it coming: „Sorry, I just need space. It is happening again.“ Then she works it through in her own and contacts him later when she is feeling better. She knows, that this is about HER. Not him. But - she has almost 20 years of therapy… I fear, our partners with bpd are far away from that…

[paintingitblack]

Thanks for your perspective. It does feel like his bpd comes in waves at times, and every once in a while a flare up will be followed with a brief and fleeting period of accurate self reflection. However it’s not a feeling that lasts. He ends up playing the perpetual victim, wronged by everyone, without any acknowledgment of how difficult he makes situations when he puts others (often me) in lose-lose situations.