I think I'm being charmed, push/pull years later

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

To preface this I know most of you will just say to block or ignore her and I know I should, but it's hard. My ex and I started “talking again” a year ago, but very here and there. She would lie a lot and say she doesn’t have a phone, and would always text me from new accounts or phone numbers. She told me things I wanted to hear, but leading nowhere. She would disappear for days weeks or months before reaching out again. Eventually she got a new man, I found out because I texted her frustrated with her inconsistency and for wasting my time and got clowned by her new man, who I can only assume was another reprobate, for “crying over pussy.” Anyways, she moved to a new state, a pretty far away one. Weirdly it brought me peace to know it was over, she was far away and that was that, out of reach. She moved back last week and texted me saying she only moved to get sober. Which makes no sense so I assume it's another lie. She sent me a picture of us from 4 years ago and said it was the best night of her life, but has ignored me/disappeared again. Why is she doing this? I have left her alone for years. What does she gain from talking to someone she obviously doesn’t care about? I’m trying to move on and distance myself from the situation, but I find her running through my mind more than I care to admit and I’m just confused and hurt. This month marks a year of this sporadic contact and when I think it's over I get a notification from a new account/number of hers just for the cycle to repeat, even though I make my intentions clear and try to genuinely communicate.

[whoboyboyy]

To preface this I know most of you will just say to block or ignore her and I know I should, but it's hard. My ex and I started “talking again” a year ago, but very here and there. She would lie a lot and say she doesn’t have a phone, and would always text me from new accounts or phone numbers. She told me things I wanted to hear, but leading nowhere. She would disappear for days weeks or months before reaching out again. Eventually she got a new man, I found out because I texted her frustrated with her inconsistency and for wasting my time and got clowned by her new man, who I can only assume was another reprobate, for “crying over pussy.” Anyways, she moved to a new state, a pretty far away one. Weirdly it brought me peace to know it was over, she was far away and that was that, out of reach. She moved back last week and texted me saying she only moved to get sober. Which makes no sense so I assume it's another lie. She sent me a picture of us from 4 years ago and said it was the best night of her life, but has ignored me/disappeared again. Why is she doing this? I have left her alone for years. What does she gain from talking to someone she obviously doesn’t care about? I’m trying to move on and distance myself from the situation, but I find her running through my mind more than I care to admit and I’m just confused and hurt. This month marks a year of this sporadic contact and when I think it's over I get a notification from a new account/number of hers just for the cycle to repeat, even though I make my intentions clear and try to genuinely communicate.

[PeteWitsend]

... Why is she doing this? I have left her alone for years. What does she gain from talking to someone she obviously doesn’t care about? I’m trying to move on and distance myself from the situation, but I find her running through my mind more than I care to admit and I’m just confused and hurt. This month marks a year of this sporadic contact and when I think it's over I get a notification from a new account/number of hers just for the cycle to repeat, even though I make my intentions clear and try to genuinely communicate.

I'll start by saying you can't truly know why she's doing this, so you shouldn't be focusing on that.

FWIW though, it sounds like it's eating at you, so I'll note that I've seen a couple other people post similar threads on the "Detaching and Learning" board here recently, and I think that pwBPD simply don't put a lot of stock in caring about other's feelings; they're hyper-fixated on their own needs of the moment.

Consider that it costs nothing, or almost nothing, to send a text or an email.  As long as you have a phone you can send almost unlimited texts out; the only constraint is one's time, and it really doesn't take much time to shoot off a text saying "I still think of you" and attaching a digital picture to it.  Heck with text generators like ChatGPT, she could even craft a lengthy email to you claiming she'd move the Moon for you if she could based on a couple prompts in seconds. 

She's not even writing a letter, buying a stamp, and dropping it in the mailbox.  She's not going to Walgreen's to print out a picture and send you a physical copy.  That should give you an idea into how much she actually values the connection she had.  This is low effort stuff. 

Given her behavior as described, it sounds like she's "monkey branching" from relationship to relationship, looking for the best one for her, but also keeping doors open with past lovers in case one falls through leaving her alone.  So, I speculate that when she's having a good time, or in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, and getting showered with attention, you hear nothing from her.  When she has a fight, or things look to be going south with her current fling and she's feeling worried, or lonely she shoots off some texts to her former boyfriends to see who responds and who can comfort her. 

But what should you do about it? 

I'll say the same thing as in those other threads: consider your values and how you want to be treated.  It doesn't sound like she's treating you how you want to be treated.  It doesn't sound like she's respecting your feelings. 

This is where having good boundaries comes into play.  You don't like the way someone is treating you?  Tell them.  If they continue to do it, then you have to decide whether you want them in your life or not.

If you're making excuses for them, e.g. "I don't like it, but I know she's just not in a good place right now." or "I dropped everything to take her call for six hours because she's having a rough time because some other guy broke up with her" you have weak boundaries, and are demonstrating to the other person that they can continue to treat you however they want without consequences.  You have to maintain your perspective and treat her behavior objectively, or else you're going to simply keep running on this hamster wheel.  Anyone can make up an excuse, but not just anyone will put in the time to build trust and a healthy relationship.

Whether you block her outright, or she goes away voluntarily after you ask her to stop contacting you, it's up to you. 

But remember that talk is cheap.  Actions speak a lot louder than words and you have years of actions here demonstrating how little she valued her time with you, and how little respect she has for you, for example by showing your texts to her new guy to mock you with. 

It's up to you to identify your own values and live by them.  If that is difficult for you to do, then you need to explore WHY, and you need to do that before you jump back into another relationship, or keep going in circles emotionally and mentally chasing this one. 

[PeteWitsend]

It took me longer than I'd like to admit to start to understand boundaries & how the concept of having healthy boundaries plays out in real life.  And I'm sure I'm still learning, and there will be times when I don't manage them like I should.

It comes down to that though, being objective and holding everyone to the same standard.

Like everything else in life, there are a lot of gray areas and it's impossible to come up with black and white rules that apply to every situation, but I think when you communicate a boundary to someone and you get endless excuses, finger pointing, projection, etc. it's a good sign that is the sort of person that will be difficult to form a healthy relationship with  - ANY sort of relationship, not just a romantic one.

Sometimes it might take a few instances to be sure of it, but maybe not!

In this case, you say you've had multiple examples of her violating your own boundary of wanting genuine communication: "when I think it's over I get a notification from a new account/number of hers just for the cycle to repeat, even though I make my intentions clear and try to genuinely communicate"

So ask yourself why is this hard for you to conclude  - after literally years of experience with them - that this person has not and will not treat you how you want & deserve to be treated, does not respect you, and (up to you but...) therefore shouldn't be part of your life?

And note that maybe when you do objectively enforce a boundary, that person disappears forever.  Before you mourn that fact and wonder if you should've tolerated more, or could have done something different to make this person behave the way you wanted them to, consider all the stories here of people who didn't heed those red flags, married a pwBPD, and are now miserable, legally bound to the pwBPD and wishing they had healthier boundaries up front and avoided wasting years of their lives and probably also significant amounts of money on a relationship that was bound to be toxic and one-sided.  It's a game where the only way to win is not to play. 

[whoboyboyy]

I'll start by saying you can't truly know why she's doing this, so you shouldn't be focusing on that.

FWIW though, it sounds like it's eating at you, so I'll note that I've seen a couple other people post similar threads on the "Detaching and Learning" board here recently, and I think that pwBPD simply don't put a lot of stock in caring about other's feelings; they're hyper-fixated on their own needs of the moment.

Consider that it costs nothing, or almost nothing, to send a text or an email.  As long as you have a phone you can send almost unlimited texts out; the only constraint is one's time, and it really doesn't take much time to shoot off a text saying "I still think of you" and attaching a digital picture to it.  Heck with text generators like ChatGPT, she could even craft a lengthy email to you claiming she'd move the Moon for you if she could based on a couple prompts in seconds. 

She's not even writing a letter, buying a stamp, and dropping it in the mailbox.  She's not going to Walgreen's to print out a picture and send you a physical copy.  That should give you an idea into how much she actually values the connection she had.  This is low effort stuff. 

Given her behavior as described, it sounds like she's "monkey branching" from relationship to relationship, looking for the best one for her, but also keeping doors open with past lovers in case one falls through leaving her alone.  So, I speculate that when she's having a good time, or in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, and getting showered with attention, you hear nothing from her.  When she has a fight, or things look to be going south with her current fling and she's feeling worried, or lonely she shoots off some texts to her former boyfriends to see who responds and who can comfort her. 

But what should you do about it? 

I'll say the same thing as in those other threads: consider your values and how you want to be treated.  It doesn't sound like she's treating you how you want to be treated.  It doesn't sound like she's respecting your feelings. 

This is where having good boundaries comes into play.  You don't like the way someone is treating you?  Tell them.  If they continue to do it, then you have to decide whether you want them in your life or not.

If you're making excuses for them, e.g. "I don't like it, but I know she's just not in a good place right now." or "I dropped everything to take her call for six hours because she's having a rough time because some other guy broke up with her" you have weak boundaries, and are demonstrating to the other person that they can continue to treat you however they want without consequences.  You have to maintain your perspective and treat her behavior objectively, or else you're going to simply keep running on this hamster wheel.  Anyone can make up an excuse, but not just anyone will put in the time to build trust and a healthy relationship.

Whether you block her outright, or she goes away voluntarily after you ask her to stop contacting you, it's up to you. 

But remember that talk is cheap.  Actions speak a lot louder than words and you have years of actions here demonstrating how little she valued her time with you, and how little respect she has for you, for example by showing your texts to her new guy to mock you with. 

It's up to you to identify your own values and live by them.  If that is difficult for you to do, then you need to explore WHY, and you need to do that before you jump back into another relationship, or keep going in circles emotionally and mentally chasing this one. 

  Thank you, I doubt she would care if I died so I don't think there is a point in boundaries. She's selfish to be treating me like this years later. I wish there was something I could do to make her feel as awful as she has made me feel, but she is an addict and felon who can't get sober so I suppose she's getting out what she puts into the world.

[whoboyboyy]

It took me longer than I'd like to admit to start to understand boundaries & how the concept of having healthy boundaries plays out in real life.  And I'm sure I'm still learning, and there will be times when I don't manage them like I should.

It comes down to that though, being objective and holding everyone to the same standard.

Like everything else in life, there are a lot of gray areas and it's impossible to come up with black and white rules that apply to every situation, but I think when you communicate a boundary to someone and you get endless excuses, finger pointing, projection, etc. it's a good sign that is the sort of person that will be difficult to form a healthy relationship with  - ANY sort of relationship, not just a romantic one.

Sometimes it might take a few instances to be sure of it, but maybe not!

In this case, you say you've had multiple examples of her violating your own boundary of wanting genuine communication: "when I think it's over I get a notification from a new account/number of hers just for the cycle to repeat, even though I make my intentions clear and try to genuinely communicate"

So ask yourself why is this hard for you to conclude  - after literally years of experience with them - that this person has not and will not treat you how you want & deserve to be treated, does not respect you, and (up to you but...) therefore shouldn't be part of your life?

And note that maybe when you do objectively enforce a boundary, that person disappears forever.  Before you mourn that fact and wonder if you should've tolerated more, or could have done something different to make this person behave the way you wanted them to, consider all the stories here of people who didn't heed those red flags, married a pwBPD, and are now miserable, legally bound to the pwBPD and wishing they had healthier boundaries up front and avoided wasting years of their lives and probably also significant amounts of money on a relationship that was bound to be toxic and one-sided.  It's a game where the only way to win is not to play. 

It's hard because I really loved her, more than I've loved anyone else. I also haven't been able to connect with anyone all the years later and watching her swing from partner so effortlessly, as well as seeing how normal people move on hurts. It makes me feel like I was made wrong or something. I wont bother with the boundaries, as she wouldn't care anyways. It's just hard to move on, I've lost a lot of friends and have been feeling really alone lately so I'm sure that makes it worse for me with not enforcing boundaries.

[PeteWitsend]

  Thank you, I doubt she would care if I died so I don't think there is a point in boundaries. She's selfish to be treating me like this years later. I wish there was something I could do to make her feel as awful as she has made me feel, but she is an addict and felon who can't get sober so I suppose she's getting out what she puts into the world.

Not responding is the best response. 

In my case, from what BPDxw described about her thoughts, and from what I observed of how she behaved toward others, I imagine being alone with herself was torture enough.  She was constantly grappling with feeling hollow inside, unlovable, and constantly sizing herself up to other people. 

If she didn't have any contact with others, she was left twisting in agony, texting other people desperately seeking some sort of contact - positive or negative didn't matter - to fill the void. 

When I first got divorced, she would text me more, making demands, or insulting my parenting, or me generally.  My step dad - who had seen some of her ugliness first hand, and had been in a toxic marriage of his own once - told me that "simply not responding will upset her more than anything you could possibly say."  And I think that's consistent with my own observations of her personality.

You respond and she gets the contact she wants.  You don't respond and her takeaway is now there's yet ANOTHER person on the planet that wants nothing to do with her, and she has to live with that thought. 

Good luck, and remember that it's how you respond going forward that defines you, not mistakes you made in the past. 

[ForeverDad]

Not reaching out and not responding is the best policy.

What generally is the best boundary is to End all contact.  Of course, if you share children, that's not possible.  Expecting normalcy from a past abnormal and dysfunctional "ended" relationship is unreasonable.

Possibly your ex has you emotionally placed on the back burner to simmer for those times she feels inclined to reach out to you - a stove top analogy.  When Borderline traits are a factor, normal closure between partners after a relationship ends becomes hopelessly muddled.  You won't get it from a pwBPD so instead you have to Gift yourself Closure.

Or might this also apply to you?  Might be a good question for your next counseling session.  If you haven't Let Go and Moved On, that may also be a factor in why later relationships didn't grow.

[whoboyboyy]

Not reaching out and not responding is the best policy.

What generally is the best boundary is to End all contact.  Of course, if you share children, that's not possible.  Expecting normalcy from a past abnormal and dysfunctional "ended" relationship is unreasonable.

Possibly your ex has you emotionally placed on the back burner to simmer for those times she feels inclined to reach out to you - a stove top analogy.  When Borderline traits are a factor, normal closure between partners after a relationship ends becomes hopelessly muddled.  You won't get it from a pwBPD so instead you have to Gift yourself Closure.

Or might this also apply to you?  Might be a good question for your next counseling session.  If you haven't Let Go and Moved On, that may also be a factor in why later relationships didn't grow.

  I will stop responding, I have a feeling she will reach out to me again in a week or two because we spent halloween together years ago and she always sends me memories. I'll just ignore it this time and hope it makes her feel some type of way. It's just so annoying still dealing with these feelings

[Under The Bridge]

watching her swing from partner so effortlessly

That tells you all you need to know, that she can't be decisive and commit to anyone as sadly her illness doesn't allow her to do it. Everyone she meets will be 'perfect' for the first few months.. then comes the inevitable disintegration. Without treatment, the cycle will repeat, whether it's with you or anyone else. You weren't the problem - she was.

You really have to stop engaging in any way, and try to let go of that particular episode in your life, as it's stopping you progressing. Very hard to do I know but the less you can let her into your thoughts, the easier it will get.  If you keep looking to see what she's doing  and circulating thoughts of her then it's never going to be off your mind. Stay strong.