>Telling the ex with bpd about a new relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, I've been currently seeing my partner for just over 6 months, he has 2 children aged 7 and 10 ,with his ex who has BPD. He's scared of telling her about me incase she stops him from seeing the kids. I am his first relationship in 5 years since they split. He stays at mine Monday to Thursday then he has his kids Friday to Sunday. I'm starting to feel like it's an affair, because his ex doesn't know and the kids dont know about me, if she rings and he's with me I stay silent because 'I don't exist' I understand why he's scared I really do but I want us to have a normal relationship (well as normal as it can be)  where I'm not being hidden . I know this relationship will never be easy but she has   been with some else for 3 years, I'm finding it really hard as i feel like the other woman.

[Flower 2025]

Hi, I've been currently seeing my partner for just over 6 months, he has 2 children aged 7 and 10 ,with his ex who has BPD. He's scared of telling her about me incase she stops him from seeing the kids. I am his first relationship in 5 years since they split. He stays at mine Monday to Thursday then he has his kids Friday to Sunday. I'm starting to feel like it's an affair, because his ex doesn't know and the kids dont know about me, if she rings and he's with me I stay silent because 'I don't exist' I understand why he's scared I really do but I want us to have a normal relationship (well as normal as it can be)  where I'm not being hidden . I know this relationship will never be easy but she has   been with some else for 3 years, I'm finding it really hard as i feel like the other woman.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect this Help Desk board is for account issues or maneuvering the website.  If so, then don't worry if this topic is moved to a board better able to meet your needs.

As for your question, a lot depends on the status of your partner.  Is he the legal parent of the children?  If he was married, is he now divorced?  In divorces - and legal separations too - there is typically a court order setting out the details of the legal custody and the parenting schedules.  In nearly all cases the custody and parenting cannot be denied unless there is solid basis.  Usually that's if there is DV, child abuse or child endangerment.

Likely your partner revealing he has started an adult relationship is not a legal basis to unilaterally "stop him from seeing the kids."  However, what is legal to do - or not do - may not deter his ex from trying to block him or doing whatever.  Ex-spouses with BPD traits can easily overreact based on their emotions and perceptions rather than reality and facts.  So, yes, in that case your partner is probably appropriately cautious.

He ought to consult a local family law attorney or solicitor who knows the local laws and local courts so the current court order can be properly reviewed.  With that knowledge in hand, your partner can know where he stands legally and what to do to secure his rights in family court should his ex overreact and overstep the court's order.

And if there is no order then he can still go to court to seek to have the pattern of past years of parenting set down on paper with the court and made official.

This may be tough for him to weather an extinction-level event * where the ex will try to intimidate him to retreat back to past patterns but, in truth, his own fears may be holding him back worse than what his ex can do.  Interviews with a few local lawyers/solicitors can inform him where he stands as parent and provide a variety of options and approaches.

* Extinction bursts are frequently reported events around here but our knowledge, communication skills and time-tested strategies give us protection from our worst fears.

[Notwendy]

It's understandable that your partner fears how his ex will react, considering what he has been through. It's also understandble that you want to be recognized as a legitimate partner in this relationship.

Each of you have feelings that are important to you. Also, for each of you, you can decide on these feelings. These are based on boundaries. Boundaries are not something we "put" on another person. They determine our own actions and choices. Each person is responsible for their own feelings and choices- and so I encourage you to examine yours.

Each relationship involves two people. Is your partner is making his ex the villain in this situation and claiming he's powerless? Although the situation is difficult- it involves both people, so if he's claiming she's the only reason- this may not sit right with you. Or, does he have plans to tell her, and when?

In his defense- 6 months is relatively short for a relationship. It's understandable he doesn't want to introduce a potentially volatile situation just yet. At some point though, you want your relationship recognized. Right now, this is working for your partner- he has you, he doesn't have to deal with his ex, and keeps you secret. This isn't working for you though- and on your part- you can decide how long to wait, for what you want and if it is possible to have this with this person, and this is something the two of you would need to discuss.

[PeteWitsend]

Hi, I've been currently seeing my partner for just over 6 months, he has 2 children aged 7 and 10 ,with his ex who has BPD. He's scared of telling her about me incase she stops him from seeing the kids. I am his first relationship in 5 years since they split. He stays at mine Monday to Thursday then he has his kids Friday to Sunday. I'm starting to feel like it's an affair, because his ex doesn't know and the kids dont know about me, if she rings and he's with me I stay silent because 'I don't exist' I understand why he's scared I really do but I want us to have a normal relationship (well as normal as it can be)  where I'm not being hidden . I know this relationship will never be easy but she has   been with some else for 3 years, I'm finding it really hard as i feel like the other woman.

I concur with FD, it's unlikely his ex can legally bar him from contact over the fact that he has a new GF.  That's just not something that's in any divorce decree I've ever seen or heard of.  It's pretty normal to assume that each partner will date and meet someone new and that's the way it goes.

Now, his ex might try to do something like that, but it's up to him to fight it, and stand up for himself, and if he has to go back to court, then so be it.  Can't be afraid to fight for yourself. 

I have seen - and this was present in my own temp orders during my divorce - a "morality clause" that each parent can't have a member of the opposite sex sleep over on a night they have the kids.  This is ridiculous for many reasons, but BPDxw insisted on it.  And it was ironic, that at the same time she was sending me messages saying that if I have someone new, I'll should let her meet them before I introduce them to kids and she'd do the same for me... while she already had a guy living in her house, with no notice to me, in violation of the morality clause she insisted on for both of us! 

So he needs to learn not to put any stock in threats she makes or things she claims.  pwBPD lie through their teeth, and deny it even when they're caught red-handed. 

It sounds like he needs to learn to stand up for himself - he should be here, not you - but like Notwendy said, it's still a little soon after divorce to judge him so harshly and sometimes it takes a little while to get used to a new normal.