>Telling the ex with bpd about a new relationship

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi, I've been currently seeing my partner for just over 6 months, he has 2 children aged 7 and 10 ,with his ex who has BPD. He's scared of telling her about me incase she stops him from seeing the kids. I am his first relationship in 5 years since they split. He stays at mine Monday to Thursday then he has his kids Friday to Sunday. I'm starting to feel like it's an affair, because his ex doesn't know and the kids dont know about me, if she rings and he's with me I stay silent because 'I don't exist' I understand why he's scared I really do but I want us to have a normal relationship (well as normal as it can be)  where I'm not being hidden . I know this relationship will never be easy but she has   been with some else for 3 years, I'm finding it really hard as i feel like the other woman.

[Flower 2025]

Hi, I've been currently seeing my partner for just over 6 months, he has 2 children aged 7 and 10 ,with his ex who has BPD. He's scared of telling her about me incase she stops him from seeing the kids. I am his first relationship in 5 years since they split. He stays at mine Monday to Thursday then he has his kids Friday to Sunday. I'm starting to feel like it's an affair, because his ex doesn't know and the kids dont know about me, if she rings and he's with me I stay silent because 'I don't exist' I understand why he's scared I really do but I want us to have a normal relationship (well as normal as it can be)  where I'm not being hidden . I know this relationship will never be easy but she has   been with some else for 3 years, I'm finding it really hard as i feel like the other woman.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect this Help Desk board is for account issues or maneuvering the website.  If so, then don't worry if this topic is moved to a board better able to meet your needs.

As for your question, a lot depends on the status of your partner.  Is he the legal parent of the children?  If he was married, is he now divorced?  In divorces - and legal separations too - there is typically a court order setting out the details of the legal custody and the parenting schedules.  In nearly all cases the custody and parenting cannot be denied unless there is solid basis.  Usually that's if there is DV, child abuse or child endangerment.

Likely your partner revealing he has started an adult relationship is not a legal basis to unilaterally "stop him from seeing the kids."  However, what is legal to do - or not do - may not deter his ex from trying to block him or doing whatever.  Ex-spouses with BPD traits can easily overreact based on their emotions and perceptions rather than reality and facts.  So, yes, in that case your partner is probably appropriately cautious.

He ought to consult a local family law attorney or solicitor who knows the local laws and local courts so the current court order can be properly reviewed.  With that knowledge in hand, your partner can know where he stands legally and what to do to secure his rights in family court should his ex overreact and overstep the court's order.

And if there is no order then he can still go to court to seek to have the pattern of past years of parenting set down on paper with the court and made official.

This may be tough for him to weather an extinction-level event * where the ex will try to intimidate him to retreat back to past patterns but, in truth, his own fears may be holding him back worse than what his ex can do.  Interviews with a few local lawyers/solicitors can inform him where he stands as parent and provide a variety of options and approaches.

* Extinction bursts are frequently reported events around here but our knowledge, communication skills and time-tested strategies give us protection from our worst fears.

[Notwendy]

It's understandable that your partner fears how his ex will react, considering what he has been through. It's also understandble that you want to be recognized as a legitimate partner in this relationship.

Each of you have feelings that are important to you. Also, for each of you, you can decide on these feelings. These are based on boundaries. Boundaries are not something we "put" on another person. They determine our own actions and choices. Each person is responsible for their own feelings and choices- and so I encourage you to examine yours.

Each relationship involves two people. Is your partner is making his ex the villain in this situation and claiming he's powerless? Although the situation is difficult- it involves both people, so if he's claiming she's the only reason- this may not sit right with you. Or, does he have plans to tell her, and when?

In his defense- 6 months is relatively short for a relationship. It's understandable he doesn't want to introduce a potentially volatile situation just yet. At some point though, you want your relationship recognized. Right now, this is working for your partner- he has you, he doesn't have to deal with his ex, and keeps you secret. This isn't working for you though- and on your part- you can decide how long to wait, for what you want and if it is possible to have this with this person, and this is something the two of you would need to discuss.

[PeteWitsend]

Hi, I've been currently seeing my partner for just over 6 months, he has 2 children aged 7 and 10 ,with his ex who has BPD. He's scared of telling her about me incase she stops him from seeing the kids. I am his first relationship in 5 years since they split. He stays at mine Monday to Thursday then he has his kids Friday to Sunday. I'm starting to feel like it's an affair, because his ex doesn't know and the kids dont know about me, if she rings and he's with me I stay silent because 'I don't exist' I understand why he's scared I really do but I want us to have a normal relationship (well as normal as it can be)  where I'm not being hidden . I know this relationship will never be easy but she has   been with some else for 3 years, I'm finding it really hard as i feel like the other woman.

I concur with FD, it's unlikely his ex can legally bar him from contact over the fact that he has a new GF.  That's just not something that's in any divorce decree I've ever seen or heard of.  It's pretty normal to assume that each partner will date and meet someone new and that's the way it goes.

Now, his ex might try to do something like that, but it's up to him to fight it, and stand up for himself, and if he has to go back to court, then so be it.  Can't be afraid to fight for yourself. 

I have seen - and this was present in my own temp orders during my divorce - a "morality clause" that each parent can't have a member of the opposite sex sleep over on a night they have the kids.  This is ridiculous for many reasons, but BPDxw insisted on it.  And it was ironic, that at the same time she was sending me messages saying that if I have someone new, I'll should let her meet them before I introduce them to kids and she'd do the same for me... while she already had a guy living in her house, with no notice to me, in violation of the morality clause she insisted on for both of us! 

So he needs to learn not to put any stock in threats she makes or things she claims.  pwBPD lie through their teeth, and deny it even when they're caught red-handed. 

It sounds like he needs to learn to stand up for himself - he should be here, not you - but like Notwendy said, it's still a little soon after divorce to judge him so harshly and sometimes it takes a little while to get used to a new normal. 

[Flower 2025]

Thank you both for your advice, I really do appreciate it. ♥️

[ABetterWay]

I just wanted to chime in that I was basically in your shoes 2.5years ago.  My SO's ex wife is uBPD and I've seen a lot of the tricks.  SO was also terrified of her taking/keeping the kids until an order was kept it place.  It was jarring to me, but I learned she runs a LOT of hot air with little to no action.  BM likes her weekends free for partying and actually doesn't want the kids then.  She also knows JUST where to hit SO where it hurts, and he's still in the process of learning to ignore her and not fight back (or roll over and appease her like he did to survive marriage - instead of putting kid needs first).

How your path goes is going to fully depend on how "healed" your SO is from being with his ex.  What do his boundaries with her look like?  Is he jumping every time she gets dysregulated?  Or does he ignore her mess and keep it kid focused?  Learn alllll about if there's an actual custody order and what is in it.  How are holidays handled?  Vacation times?  Any other special things like 2wks in the summer or does he tend to cover for her/pick up extra days?  Ask him how she tends to react to news she doesn't like?  Does she shut down?  Blow up his phone?  Is she the stalker/threatener type?  Learn more about that background and what you may be stepping in to.  Same for how well she's parenting the kids.  Is she more organized and keeping up on things?  Meeting the kids' needs?  Or does she flounder then blame everyone else (but especially him) when things don't work out?

6 months is a little soon to some people to meet the kids - for others it's fine.  I met my 3 "SKs" (because we aren't married) about 7 months in.  And - it could be that he hasn't told his ex about you to protect you from her wrath.  I have become the scapegoat for why everything is not her fault.  I am the sole blame for all of BM's insecurity on not doing what she needs to be doing as a parent.  She also has used every aspect of our relationship that she's found out about to attack SO.  How dare he take me on a vacation when he never took her (not true).  Or to a work event, a family funeral, etc.  She lost her mind when we bought a house (I bought a house, he contributed some, and we have a signed agreement on how to handle if/when a split ever happens).  I make more than SO (and BM doesn't work) and I happened to pick a house nicer than what she and SO had together.  So then came her line of thinking that all of his income belonged to her under the guise of it being for the kids and that since I'm so "rich" (I just have a normal job!) then I should pay for everything over here.  Just some examples of how everything gets turned into an argument/blow up.  SO has had to learn that the less info she has the better AND to just block/silence his phone. 

Some of that "other woman" feeling comes from dating a guy with kids.  It kind of sucks... but yeah they still have a tie to their ex and they have things to discuss (the kids) that you aren't really involved in.  It takes time to find your place, and even then it can shift.  There are still days that I struggle too.  I'm in no way trying to scare you off - just pointing out that depending on where your SO is in dealing with all of this - the road to come can be rough.  The biggest and best strategies are boundaries - and if you hang around you'll see that strong boundaries are mentioned and needed in all relationships dealing with someone with BPD - even if it's a tangential relationship.  I wish you well, and feel free to reach out!

[ForeverDad]

One of the reasons that I asked whether they have a court ordered parenting schedule or whether they're loosely following one is that these orders almost always alternate the weekends between the parents.  They may be short weekends or long ones - mine was 72 hours between Fri pm to Mon pm - but they're usually alternating so each parent can also have a full weekend with the kids or a full weekend off.

Strong and consistent boundaries are important when dealing with BPD traits.  Anything less and they'll be obstructed or trampled.  With reasonably normal people exceptions are an expected part of life.  But with BPD in the mix, your partner will have to ensure exceptions are clearly identified as exceptions, not weakened boundaries, or else they will be perceived as chinks in his armor to be eroded further.

There are a couple articles on practical Boundaries in our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

Some of that "other woman" feeling comes from dating a guy with kids.  It kind of sucks... but yeah they still have a tie to their ex and they have things to discuss (the kids) that you aren't really involved in.  It takes time to find your place, and even then it can shift.

Likely he's already mentioned - or you've heard - the issues with his ex and their parenting.  That's okay.  Though while he no doubt would appreciate your insight and observations, you ought to resist inserting yourself into their parenting.  Rather than being perceived as a mediator, the ex would view you as a persecutor or worse... read about the Karpman Drama Triangle (victim, persecutor, rescuer).

[PeteWitsend]

...

Likely he's already mentioned - or you've heard - the issues with his ex and their parenting.  That's okay.  Though while he no doubt would appreciate your insight and observations, you ought to resist inserting yourself into their parenting.  Rather than being perceived as a mediator, the ex would view you as a persecutor or worse... read about the Karpman Drama Triangle (victim, persecutor, rescuer).

You have to be very patient dealing with the BPD ex, as they'll continuously provide a source of pointless conflict.  Literally.  They'd like nothing more than to disrupt the non-disordered parent's weekend with the kids by bickering over pickup times, drop off times, etc.  And they have NO concern whatsoever for putting their kids in the middle of it, or using their kids as pawns in their games. 

And there's not much you can do about it, as the non-disordered parent, except grin and bear the inconveniences they put us through and shield the kids from it as best you can.  No matter how badly a weekend with my daughter starts (b/c of some crap BPDxw pulled that week), I try to make sure that once she's in the car, the nastiness stops and we enjoy eachother's company... talk about school, music, what she wants for dinner, etc.

It sucks, but courts don't care about minor transgressions, or rude or bad co-parenting.  As long as the kids are getting to school and fed, and there are no outward signs of abuse, a court isn't going to step in and amend parenting orders.