Trying to Cope

[Hamm]

I've been married to my wife for over 20 years now. IDK if we've ever went more than a couple of weeks without her having a major episode where she hates me and is incredibly and unreasonably mad at me for something that may or may not have been that offensive. At this point I am weary of being around her and just hope she is having a good day and is in a good mood. It is truly like I walk on eggshells but I am also very tired of doing this. Whether it's a joke that offends her or some real or imagined slight about whether I am currently being emotionally supportive, it seems I am not ever able to consistently please her for any extended period of time. Just this week, on Monday she was so happy about how supportive and helpful I was being to her, then Tuesday she said we should divorce because I am just not that supportive. She is constantly critical of how I am behaving or Not behaving. We have two kids and when they misbehave or she has conflict with them, it is always, somehow, my fault. If I leave her be with them, she'll accuse me of being non-supportive but if I intervene with them, she will undermine whatever my intervention with them is. I have a lot more to say about this but for the sake of time, I will have to return. She is a high functioning person so she denies any idea that she has issues and blames me for whatever the problems are. Many of my memories or our past going and coming to events, vacations, etc. is of her just being mad the whole time or most of the time. This is sad to me. I am just trying to Cope. I have ideations of not being together but fear the vindictiveness that would come with that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Hamm, glad you found us and

20 years is a long time to cope with BPD in a relationship... It's no wonder you sound tired. Have her behaviors and your responses been pretty much the same the whole time? Or have there been times when things were better, or one or both of you were doing something different?

How old are your kids? Are they living at home or elsewhere? And how are they doing with all this?

The whiplash and roller coaster is a lot to live with, for sure. Have either of you ever had a therapist or counselor? Whether she did or does or doesn't, I'd really recommend it for you -- when BPD is in a family system, everyone needs a lot more support. And, therapy/counseling is a good place to get a "reality check" on things you remember, or odd circumstances, or replaying conflicts, or finding new paths forward besides the old conflict "ruts".

Looking forward to learning more of your story;

kells76