I suspect bpd man split on me

[Pastaforever]

I've been seeing this guy for a few months , we started as friends while he was going through a very dark times and while we were both in miserable and  in open relationships (his ex dismissed him when he said he contemplated suicide ). We both have bpd but I'm myself in remission for a number of years . While he has just been diagnosed (him seems to be on the quiet side) , I finished treatment years ago after 7 years and I've been feeling pretty confident in myself.

Things led to another and we caught feelings and broke up with our respective partner right away, not with the intention of getting together but because we realised that what we felt went beyond the frame of the open relationship. We decided we would go with the flow as he was moving abroad anyway and if ever things happen in the future, they will . Also I wanted to give him the space to focus on himself.

Because of his situation, I let him mainly come to me and very quickly, he started with the love declaration and gestures and I have to say I got blinded by it and that created some sort of expectations.

A few weeks after his departure, I came to visit  him and some other friends I also have over there and suddenly his behaviour changed half way through my trip, he split on me and wouldn't admit to it. Finally , he told me last night he didn't want to be intimate anymore cause he is overwhelmed with his feelings and guilt towards his ex and is convincing himself he cheated on her while they had this agreement. It's not the first time he brought it hope but it's the first time he was so distant.

I think it's for the best but I'm struggling myself and dunno what to do. We keeps speaking to me everyday and messages me first thing when he wakes up and goes to sleep.

I love him a lot and I know for me that this is no trauma bond and  I think he does love me too. I want to be there for me and give him the space but I'm struggling regardless.


How can I make him understand that while I agree, I do love him and want more without pressuring him and scared him away ?

I feel a bit stupid  but I do want to wait for him and explore what we have but I dunno if that makes me codependent by default, I'm just not interested in anyone else. My last relationship was seven years and while it was open, I never felt the need to have intercourse or date anyone else, this is the first time I ever did and I realise it's because I actually liked him .

How much gender affects bpd also?

I thought I'd be more equipped to deal with it but somehow I am not at all. He used to be very open and talkative and now it's very hard to get him to say anything and he gets annoyed at me constantly.

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[SuperDaddy]

Hi Pastaforever ,

I'm going through old messages that didn't get a reply.

I'm afraid that this board is not appropriate for those with a BPD diagnosis, since it could have triggering content. However, you said you have been in remission for a few years, after a 7-year treatment, right? So I'm not sure...

Your question about "how much gender affects bpd" suggests this is an opposite-sex relationship? I'm guessing the general aspects of men apply here. Men are less communicative and have more difficulty letting go of their emotions. Therefore, they could have more anger issues but at the same time would be more fearful of the consequences, because they could easily end up in jail.

How have things been going since you posted?