I've seen the light about my adult daughter. I am sad and worried

[Parents! Get help here!]

I feel like I should have known this about our daughter years ago. Finally, last week, I'd had one run-in too many. I suddenly realized that there was nothing I could do to make my daughter like me. She treats me very poorly, except when she doesn't. The disrespect, accusations, yelling, and hurtful actions seem to only be seen by me. Her dad has always told me that it's my fault that she talks to me so disrespectfully because she never talks to him that way. When she was growing up, her dad never corrected her for it. Still today, when our daughter is 48 years old, she treats me this way and no one else in the family seems to see it or come to my defense.
I realized this week that she is turning others in the family against me, including her sister and, of course, my husband. I need a place to see others' experience and counteract the gaslighting that my husband, my daughter, and even I do to myself. It has taken me far too long to begin to trust my own gut and realize that my husband and daughter are a toxic duo when it comes to my relationship with them and theirs with me. I am starting this week on a new path of self-care, "her-unhappiness-is-no-longer-my-responsibility," and anxious curiosity as to what she will try next now that I've changed my rules.

[LodiLady]

I feel like I should have known this about our daughter years ago. Finally, last week, I'd had one run-in too many. I suddenly realized that there was nothing I could do to make my daughter like me. She treats me very poorly, except when she doesn't. The disrespect, accusations, yelling, and hurtful actions seem to only be seen by me. Her dad has always told me that it's my fault that she talks to me so disrespectfully because she never talks to him that way. When she was growing up, her dad never corrected her for it. Still today, when our daughter is 48 years old, she treats me this way and no one else in the family seems to see it or come to my defense.
I realized this week that she is turning others in the family against me, including her sister and, of course, my husband. I need a place to see others' experience and counteract the gaslighting that my husband, my daughter, and even I do to myself. It has taken me far too long to begin to trust my own gut and realize that my husband and daughter are a toxic duo when it comes to my relationship with them and theirs with me. I am starting this week on a new path of self-care, "her-unhappiness-is-no-longer-my-responsibility," and anxious curiosity as to what she will try next now that I've changed my rules.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TheNana]

Hello Lodi! I feel you on that. I have experienced the same scenario. No one around to hear what is being said to me. Any response that is to protect yourself or voice the facts is shut down in such a demeaning manner that it actually makes me feel like I just turned white as a ghost in disbelief. My daughter has learned to play the victim so well that she is believing her own delusions. It's the "let me tell my story first" game. I end up at a loss to even try to voice about anything. Lately it is a fight every day to remember that I am not worthless just because she wants me to believe I am. I have  asked her time and time again in as many different ways that I can come up with; How does tearing me down to a state that makes me out to be a non-productive person going to make your life better? I share with my adult child all I have to offer to show support the best way I know how. Others reaction to me when I try to share what is happening, is that "All I want to do is argue". I have to tell myself that I deserve to be happy. She told me I was going to die alone. It broke my heart to hear that after she knows about past abusive relationships that I have fought hard to stay away from. I appreciate the shares and all I can do is share also so that you don't feel alone.

[js friend]

Hi LodiLady,

There was a time when my udd had everyone wrapped around her finger too and she really played on this. Even the family therapist we went to see when udd was a teen ended up dxing ME as an overbearing mother and that udd was just trying to find her own way in life!.

It took me a while to stop confronting the people who challenged me on udd's behalf because dd would make out that I was such a tyrant that she just didnt have the courage to say what she wanted to say to me, but  I knew 100% that eventually that those same people who were speaking up for udd with so much passion would be also be the ones to be turned against in the future.

I think it comes quite easily for pwbpd to pit people against each other. It has happened in my family and your husband is no exception to this rule. Where there is a weak link your udd will find it and exploit it. My guess is he stays in the background for an easier life especially when we are getting on in age. It doesnt make a happy home and Iam glad that you are now focusing on yourself. 

You should make it your New Years resolution!