I've seen the light about my adult daughter. I am sad and worried

[LodiLady]

I feel like I should have known this about our daughter years ago. Finally, last week, I'd had one run-in too many. I suddenly realized that there was nothing I could do to make my daughter like me. She treats me very poorly, except when she doesn't. The disrespect, accusations, yelling, and hurtful actions seem to only be seen by me. Her dad has always told me that it's my fault that she talks to me so disrespectfully because she never talks to him that way. When she was growing up, her dad never corrected her for it. Still today, when our daughter is 48 years old, she treats me this way and no one else in the family seems to see it or come to my defense.
I realized this week that she is turning others in the family against me, including her sister and, of course, my husband. I need a place to see others' experience and counteract the gaslighting that my husband, my daughter, and even I do to myself. It has taken me far too long to begin to trust my own gut and realize that my husband and daughter are a toxic duo when it comes to my relationship with them and theirs with me. I am starting this week on a new path of self-care, "her-unhappiness-is-no-longer-my-responsibility," and anxious curiosity as to what she will try next now that I've changed my rules.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TheNana]

Hello Lodi! I feel you on that. I have experienced the same scenario. No one around to hear what is being said to me. Any response that is to protect yourself or voice the facts is shut down in such a demeaning manner that it actually makes me feel like I just turned white as a ghost in disbelief. My daughter has learned to play the victim so well that she is believing her own delusions. It's the "let me tell my story first" game. I end up at a loss to even try to voice about anything. Lately it is a fight every day to remember that I am not worthless just because she wants me to believe I am. I have  asked her time and time again in as many different ways that I can come up with; How does tearing me down to a state that makes me out to be a non-productive person going to make your life better? I share with my adult child all I have to offer to show support the best way I know how. Others reaction to me when I try to share what is happening, is that "All I want to do is argue". I have to tell myself that I deserve to be happy. She told me I was going to die alone. It broke my heart to hear that after she knows about past abusive relationships that I have fought hard to stay away from. I appreciate the shares and all I can do is share also so that you don't feel alone.

[js friend]

Hi LodiLady,

There was a time when my udd had everyone wrapped around her finger too and she really played on this. Even the family therapist we went to see when udd was a teen ended up dxing ME as an overbearing mother and that udd was just trying to find her own way in life!.

It took me a while to stop confronting the people who challenged me on udd's behalf because dd would make out that I was such a tyrant that she just didnt have the courage to say what she wanted to say to me, but  I knew 100% that eventually that those same people who were speaking up for udd with so much passion would be also be the ones to be turned against in the future.

I think it comes quite easily for pwbpd to pit people against each other. It has happened in my family and your husband is no exception to this rule. Where there is a weak link your udd will find it and exploit it. My guess is he stays in the background for an easier life especially when we are getting on in age. It doesnt make a happy home and Iam glad that you are now focusing on yourself. 

You should make it your New Years resolution!

[TheNana]

WOW! Yes, my heart hurts and I come across as weak. I am just tired... Fighting is a waste of time. I have felt like they want to force me to believe that I cannot accept that they are different expecting me to not be yourself either. It feels like because I don't want to fight, she insists that I want to fight. I am exhausted!

[KBug]

Lodi,

I have a lot of experience as the "favorite person" as well as the "villain." I hope that something that I write about may help you to understand a little bit better. Take what's useful and leave the rest. 

My person with BPD is my step-daughter. Her mother also has BPD, and has treated me and my husband terribly, including trying to alienate their kids from us. When my person started to really push against her mom, she clung to me for support. I didn't really understand how BPD worked or that my person/her mother had BPD. It felt really good that she actually liked me after years of trying to get close to her. I think that we validated each other in some ways. I didn't talk badly about her mother but I would listen and affirm that she was going through some tough waters. I also told her that it's difficult to parent teens and that parents and teens often see things very differently. I tried to help her think about different ways of responding to her mom that might be more effective. I didn't really see my person's role in what was happening and I probably affirmed that unconsciously. I'm wondering if that's happening with your other family members. It feels good to be the special, loved one. Do you think this might be happening? Are they making you the bad person so they can be the good person? [Read about splitting/all-good, all-bad thinking; Karpman Drama Triangle/triangulation]

Then as I started to see a little in terms of what I now know are BPD characteristics, I started to suggest ways that she might contributing to the difficult relationship with her mom. This caused tension between us. Then she started the whole "if you don't completely agree with me on everything, then you don't love or support me." This was long before the BPD diagnosis, and me learning about BPD. I didn't know about JADE responses then. Me not being in 100% with her perspective made me the enemy. I'm wondering if thus might be in play in your situation. Do you think anyone in your situation may be trying to keep the peace or might be fearful of becoming the villain? [Read about loyalty tests and emotional blackmail; JADE-Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain; boundary setting]

I went back and forth between the favorite and the villain off and on for several years, depending on who she was most angry with at the time. She was never close to her dad because of all the parental alienation. She and her mother both worked hard to turn me against my husband. They made accusations that he had abused the mother, that he was a sexual predator, that he was abusing me, etc...  Extended family believes that the ex was the abuser and I have seen her emotional abuse in person with the kids and my husband. If any of this had been true, the ex would have brought them up in the custody hearings, which she did not (although there were plenty of other unproven & disproven lies brought up that went no where).  I shut down the ex pretty quickly by saying that if she were so concerned about abuse that we could get a guardian ad litem involved and we could do a home study to help the courts to know what the healthiest environment for the kids was (we shared custody). she dropped accusations against him to me immediately. I have had no contact with her since then except at rare family events focused on the kids. My person off and on would try to turn me against her father (who she trusted just fine when she wanted something from him or she was on the outs with her mother) and I just had to keep saying that I had never seen the kinds of behavior from him that she was telling me about and asked her to point out specific instances when he had ever engaged in abusive behavior with me. I'm wondering in what ways that triangulation may be happening in your dynamic and how various involved people could avoid colluding against each other and engage in reality based responding if triangulation is happening. [Read about: triangulation and coalition-building; DARVO-Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender ; non-collusion and reality-based responding].

My therapist has helped me to see that a healthy relationship with my person is different from what I really want. For now, having a close, trusting, affectionate relationship is not an option. For my husband and I, a healthy relationship establishing firm boundaries with our daughter and making sure that our marriage is strong. We can't let BPD toxicity destroy our relationship with each other. We don't always agree on how to respond to our daughter but we trust each other, express our concerns to each other, and give each other the space to make the decisions that each of us thinks are best. I think this is working for us in a way that may not be so easy for you because my husband has had years of therapy related to his ex's BPD and I have a lot of professional background and experience in human development, including social emotional development and challenges.

We are now at no contact with our daughter and I'm mostly at peace. No more daily/weekly toxicity and chaos. I miss who she can be and I love her. I want her to be happy. I want her to get what she wants from life. I'm not angry with her.  I mourn the loss of a "could have been" relationship, but the toxicity that she currently brings into our lives is unbearable.

She went no contact because we set boundaries with her about moving back in with us (she's 25yo) when she had no other options. Our only boundaries are that she keep engaging in mental health support and taking her medications, that she actively work on being substance free (support meetings, not smoking weed and drinking in our garage all day), and that we have a peaceful house. She told us that she was not going to kiss our as$3$ for a place to stay. We helped her find a long term homeless shelter for people with mental illness. She got kicked out of the first for being difficult and now she's in a different one. It breaks my heart and I worry about her but we're learning that this is her choice and her journey.