I've seen the light about my adult daughter. I am sad and worried

[LodiLady]

I feel like I should have known this about our daughter years ago. Finally, last week, I'd had one run-in too many. I suddenly realized that there was nothing I could do to make my daughter like me. She treats me very poorly, except when she doesn't. The disrespect, accusations, yelling, and hurtful actions seem to only be seen by me. Her dad has always told me that it's my fault that she talks to me so disrespectfully because she never talks to him that way. When she was growing up, her dad never corrected her for it. Still today, when our daughter is 48 years old, she treats me this way and no one else in the family seems to see it or come to my defense.
I realized this week that she is turning others in the family against me, including her sister and, of course, my husband. I need a place to see others' experience and counteract the gaslighting that my husband, my daughter, and even I do to myself. It has taken me far too long to begin to trust my own gut and realize that my husband and daughter are a toxic duo when it comes to my relationship with them and theirs with me. I am starting this week on a new path of self-care, "her-unhappiness-is-no-longer-my-responsibility," and anxious curiosity as to what she will try next now that I've changed my rules.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders