Not Sure what to do...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is the first time I have posted on this board, and I've only read a few posts on here off and on over the past couple of years. So, I'm not sure of everything that is going on. My husband of 24 years broke up with me like it was a high school breakup over the phone last month. He isn't diagnosed with BPD, but I have mentioned to him that he may have bipolar disorder. Anyway, he went up north to find work with the union back in June, and everything seemed like it was okay, and we were starting over in our family. Over the next few months, I noticed he wasn't calling or texting as much, and his messages were concise, and the conversations didn't have a proper ending like (I'll talk to you later, or I'll call you later... etc). Then I questioned him about it through text. And he replied, " I'm busy working right now, but we will talk later." (I already had a gut feeling that he was starting to go through his episodes again). But I called him a couple of weeks later because I needed comfort about my grades in school, and he told me I have always had a hard time with time management, and tried to give me pointers on how and when to study. But then he changes the subject and tells me he does not think we should stay married anymore. He said he prayed, and prayed to god, and god told him not to stay married to me. Then says he's not mad at me, but we tried marriage counseling. It didn't work (which was a chaotic mess), and he felt that the new town he was working in with the union (heavy equipment operator) is quiet/peaceful, and he thought he would be afraid of being alone, but now he feels better, because he likes being alone. After all, no one is nagging him. I asked him if he was cheating on me again, like 3 times, and he said no. There's only men up there (huh?). Then proceeds to ask me if I want him to pray for me about our conversation (what?). Meanwhile, we have a house and mortgage to pay for, our 22-year-old daughter still lives with us and needs support because she is going to community college, and we have a 10-year-old and three dogs. One of the dogs is his emotional support animal. I'm here paying bills and maintaining the home, and he is up in Northern California acting like it's okay for him to stay and live there in a fifth wheeler that he is renting from an AA friend he met in a meeting. He is an alcoholic, but has been sober for 3 years, smokes cigarettes heavily, and smokes marijuana heavily. Before he left, he was using psilocybin. Also, before he left, I made sure he had his prescription medication in his truck for depression and ptsd (that he would take off and on); however, it took me 6 years until January of this year to finally get him to take medication for his mental health. This is the second time he broke up with me; the first time, he asked for a divorce because I found out, when I left him for his behavior, that he was actually seeing someone. I didn't know until he asked for a divorce, and I was living with my parents for only 2 weeks, but the kids were still with him in the house. (When I left, it was supposed to be a break from the arguing, not a separation or divorce.) Anyway, when I asked him then if he was cheating on me, he said it was none of my business, and it didn't matter. He also didn't think I should come back to our house. He also said he prayed to god several times and god told him not to stay married to me. Then a notification on YouTube popped up about some old guy with a beard who was making videos about how his wife left him, and he was trying to give relationship advice. So he watched it and believed everything the guy was saying, and he was on an app and received a notification on the app, and it was another woman who ended up being the person he would get with. He thought that god was telling him that it was his soul mate, because he was asking god to send him someone who would love him. Anyway, that was over 6 years ago. When I moved back in after 4 months, he told me his dog saved his life, and this new woman saved his life. He just kept going on and on about how she was cool, and he felt like he loved her, and she had her own business. But he wasn't working; he refused to work after he couldn't get hired. I tried to help him find jobs, and my dad tried to help him find jobs. Then I told him to take a break for 1 year, because I felt he was putting too much pressure on himself. It was heartbreaking for me because I was with him through everything, while he was in the military for 20 years and after his retirement. Then he said he is trying to see me as he used to see me, but he is having a hard time. We have known each other since high school. Now, I'm not a saint. I did hurt him one time (No, I wasn't physical with anyone, but I regretfully was talking with someone on the phone, and he found out about it). And 'til this day, I wish I could go back in time to undo what I did. I repented and told everyone what I did, including my family, his, and our pastor. I tried extensively to prove myself to him. Anyhow, I thought we were making improvements, but he started smoking marijuana again heavily all day, and started taking psilocybin because he felt self-medicating with plants was better. He asked me if he could start self-medicating again, and I expressed my concern and told him I don't think it will work. But he kept asking and asking because he said he needed my blessing. So I finally said yes. But my gut feeling was telling me otherwise. Now I feel like any steps of improvement we made have just gone back to square zero. He logged off of our family Life360 this morning. I gave his sponsor his new number last month because apparently, he didn't give it to him when he changed it in order to add Starlink to his service. His sponsor has been trying to contact him for a couple of months until he asked for it. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like he broke up with me for the second time, and he is in a new town, 500 miles from us- his sponsor, his VA counselor, family, and friends from AA. I also feel like he is trying to force me to file divorce or separation papers. I'm sooo pissed and frustrated and hurt all at the same time. I don't know how else to help him other than to pray and ask for prayers, so that is what I have been doing for 2 weeks, just asking for prayers and writing prayer requests. I know it is my fault for not trying to find out what he needed, it's my fault for hurting him. Even though I tried, it felt like a roller coaster every day, or the expectations to do what he wanted were unrealistic to the point where it felt like he was looking for a reason to break it off.
Anyway, out of all we have been through, I still love him; he is my husband and the father of our three children.

* I'm sorry for ranting

[Bythe Hedges]

This is the first time I have posted on this board, and I've only read a few posts on here off and on over the past couple of years. So, I'm not sure of everything that is going on. My husband of 24 years broke up with me like it was a high school breakup over the phone last month. He isn't diagnosed with BPD, but I have mentioned to him that he may have bipolar disorder. Anyway, he went up north to find work with the union back in June, and everything seemed like it was okay, and we were starting over in our family. Over the next few months, I noticed he wasn't calling or texting as much, and his messages were concise, and the conversations didn't have a proper ending like (I'll talk to you later, or I'll call you later... etc). Then I questioned him about it through text. And he replied, " I'm busy working right now, but we will talk later." (I already had a gut feeling that he was starting to go through his episodes again). But I called him a couple of weeks later because I needed comfort about my grades in school, and he told me I have always had a hard time with time management, and tried to give me pointers on how and when to study. But then he changes the subject and tells me he does not think we should stay married anymore. He said he prayed, and prayed to god, and god told him not to stay married to me. Then says he's not mad at me, but we tried marriage counseling. It didn't work (which was a chaotic mess), and he felt that the new town he was working in with the union (heavy equipment operator) is quiet/peaceful, and he thought he would be afraid of being alone, but now he feels better, because he likes being alone. After all, no one is nagging him. I asked him if he was cheating on me again, like 3 times, and he said no. There's only men up there (huh?). Then proceeds to ask me if I want him to pray for me about our conversation (what?). Meanwhile, we have a house and mortgage to pay for, our 22-year-old daughter still lives with us and needs support because she is going to community college, and we have a 10-year-old and three dogs. One of the dogs is his emotional support animal. I'm here paying bills and maintaining the home, and he is up in Northern California acting like it's okay for him to stay and live there in a fifth wheeler that he is renting from an AA friend he met in a meeting. He is an alcoholic, but has been sober for 3 years, smokes cigarettes heavily, and smokes marijuana heavily. Before he left, he was using psilocybin. Also, before he left, I made sure he had his prescription medication in his truck for depression and ptsd (that he would take off and on); however, it took me 6 years until January of this year to finally get him to take medication for his mental health. This is the second time he broke up with me; the first time, he asked for a divorce because I found out, when I left him for his behavior, that he was actually seeing someone. I didn't know until he asked for a divorce, and I was living with my parents for only 2 weeks, but the kids were still with him in the house. (When I left, it was supposed to be a break from the arguing, not a separation or divorce.) Anyway, when I asked him then if he was cheating on me, he said it was none of my business, and it didn't matter. He also didn't think I should come back to our house. He also said he prayed to god several times and god told him not to stay married to me. Then a notification on YouTube popped up about some old guy with a beard who was making videos about how his wife left him, and he was trying to give relationship advice. So he watched it and believed everything the guy was saying, and he was on an app and received a notification on the app, and it was another woman who ended up being the person he would get with. He thought that god was telling him that it was his soul mate, because he was asking god to send him someone who would love him. Anyway, that was over 6 years ago. When I moved back in after 4 months, he told me his dog saved his life, and this new woman saved his life. He just kept going on and on about how she was cool, and he felt like he loved her, and she had her own business. But he wasn't working; he refused to work after he couldn't get hired. I tried to help him find jobs, and my dad tried to help him find jobs. Then I told him to take a break for 1 year, because I felt he was putting too much pressure on himself. It was heartbreaking for me because I was with him through everything, while he was in the military for 20 years and after his retirement. Then he said he is trying to see me as he used to see me, but he is having a hard time. We have known each other since high school. Now, I'm not a saint. I did hurt him one time (No, I wasn't physical with anyone, but I regretfully was talking with someone on the phone, and he found out about it). And 'til this day, I wish I could go back in time to undo what I did. I repented and told everyone what I did, including my family, his, and our pastor. I tried extensively to prove myself to him. Anyhow, I thought we were making improvements, but he started smoking marijuana again heavily all day, and started taking psilocybin because he felt self-medicating with plants was better. He asked me if he could start self-medicating again, and I expressed my concern and told him I don't think it will work. But he kept asking and asking because he said he needed my blessing. So I finally said yes. But my gut feeling was telling me otherwise. Now I feel like any steps of improvement we made have just gone back to square zero. He logged off of our family Life360 this morning. I gave his sponsor his new number last month because apparently, he didn't give it to him when he changed it in order to add Starlink to his service. His sponsor has been trying to contact him for a couple of months until he asked for it. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like he broke up with me for the second time, and he is in a new town, 500 miles from us- his sponsor, his VA counselor, family, and friends from AA. I also feel like he is trying to force me to file divorce or separation papers. I'm sooo pissed and frustrated and hurt all at the same time. I don't know how else to help him other than to pray and ask for prayers, so that is what I have been doing for 2 weeks, just asking for prayers and writing prayer requests. I know it is my fault for not trying to find out what he needed, it's my fault for hurting him. Even though I tried, it felt like a roller coaster every day, or the expectations to do what he wanted were unrealistic to the point where it felt like he was looking for a reason to break it off.
Anyway, out of all we have been through, I still love him; he is my husband and the father of our three children.

* I'm sorry for ranting

[TheNana]

Bythe? I am so sorry for your "roller coaster ride"! My stomach turned from reading that because it reminded me of the same things someone used to tell me. It took me YEARS to finally realize that it was all excuses and running from responsibility. Please don't take this as a judgment. That is not my intention. I feel your pain is all. Don't let it eat away at you to the point you can't move forward for yourself. Stay strong!