Feeling sad that I can't have an honest relationship with my elderly mom

[PicaBug]

 
I always dread the holidays. I'm the eldest child and only daughter of a mom with BPD. She is emotionally erratic this time of year, expects me to do a lot of the holiday prep for family gatherings while she rages and complains. She is in her mid-80s. I'm in my 60s. Her weakness and mobility issues mean I feel obligated to help. I'm sad that holidays are times of dread instead of joy.

[zachira]

You are not alone in having an elderly mother with BPD who makes it difficult to enjoy the holidays. It is especially difficult to be the only daughter of a mother with BPD. You will soon hear from others on this site who are very familiar with a situation like yours. My mother with BPD is deceased.

[Notwendy]

You aren't alone with this. This is a common longing. My BPD mother is also deceased.

BPD behaviors can increase during stressful times. Holiday prep can be stressful even to people without a personality disorder. If we were having company, my BPD mother was very stressed and her behaviors increased.

It was common for her to delegate tasks to other people to do for her and for me, that also included food prep. But due to her projecting her emotions and distress- she would be critical and rage over even small errors. Even if all went well, she'd act as if something wasn't right.

One thing I needed to learn is that this is her projecting her own stress and emotions and not personal to me. It also helped to anticipate the situation. Self care is important in these situations. Think of ways you can take some care for yourself during these times. Can you take a short walk during a break, do some food prep ahead of time at your house alone, delegate a task by ordering some of the sides (many restaurants do family style take out during the holidays- it may be worth the extra cost to ease the task on you)