Starting to see dysfunctional relationships elsewhere

[Strawberry29]

One common theme among people affected by BPD relatives, is that once you learn about these things you cannot stop seeing dysfunctional relationships in places where you once did not realise there were issues, even if perhaps BPD is not part of the situation. Two recent events made me realise this clearly in my wife's family, and I will talk about it in a while, but first a bit of an intro on her family.

When I met my wife, I thought (as usual) that hers was a little loving family. I later learnt this was not exactly the case, but initially thought this was only because of her father. He is what I would call a highly successful and smart person witht the emotional stability and independence of a 5 year old. I actually have a very good relationship with him, but I now understand, after knowing him for a while and hearing my wife's stories, that he is controlling, has OCD, has sudden rage outbursts (that can last a couple of days) where he becomes extremely abusive, and he relies on his wife for pretty much everything. My wife had to witness as a child things she should have never been put through, and for this she has now realised she is a bit resentful towards her parents, as they never did much about it, and never explained her anything, apart from saying that her dad sometimes had problems "because of his mother".
The sister is also a very successful person, very nice and you can easily go along well with her. But more recently has started having problematic behaviours towards my wife. Around the time we were having our first child, she started complaining that we were not going to have our child close to them, that we should have delivered the baby in their city to share the thing with them etc etc. She also complains every time my wife does not write to her for 2 or 3 days, or does not call her once a fortnight etc etc. When we found out our youngest child was autistic, my wife said it to her when she felt it was the right time, around 4 or 5 months after being certaina bout it. She received subtle accusations that she should have said it before, and that we should have asked for her help because she could have done this and that. My wife used to get easily sent into guilt trips, I had to do a lot of work making her realise that we are adult independent people that make our own choices, and that if she loves us and wants to hear us more often, she just has to call us/visit us and stop complaining about what we should do according to her. If she wants to help us, she should just say "I can help this and that way if you want" and stop at it.
Finally, the mom I did not even think could have any big issue, although arguably she was a bit of an enabler with the dad, and was also quite controlling with her daughters, for example sending a text every morning and calling them if they did not reply by, say, 11.

Now, I don't know, as a non-professional, the diagnosis for her father, and possibly rest of the family, but last month something happened that made me realise how this mental health things all resembles each other in "drama". Two things happened: my wife's GM was hospitalised, and my mom got a cancer diagnosis. Both things turned out not to be too bad, GM was discharged after a couple of weeks and my mom's cancer is very much curable and with a good prognosis. But of course, initially these were very difficult news to deal with. And the reaction from my BPD brother and my wife's family was very similar.

My brother started texting that I was an awful person (blaming) because our mom was supposed to come and visit us the day after she got the diagnosis, and that I should have consulted him first before inviting her over (controlling behaviour), because that's how family should work (note he hadn't taxted me for months after not getting what he wanted from our father's will, and he had me blocked pretty much everywhere but on the email).  Of course, this made no sense at all, our mom is an adult that decided to come and visit us, and that decided to cancel after getting the diagnosis.

My MIL opened instead a family group, starting it by saying "I hope I have taught you that in these times of emergency the whole family has to come together and decide what is best to do, not independently" which was a dig at the fact that we are dealing privately with our son's situation. The whole group was then a summary of all the things that were wrong in those relations, with the dad blaming the mom for the reason that led to the hospitalisation, the sister continuously saying things like "mom this is not your decision on how to cure GM, but our decision altogether" (which to me makes no sense, one person is responsible and can ask for help.. If they don't feel like they can take the responsibility they can leave it to someone else... But not charging somebody with a repsonsibility they never subscribed to... ). It all felt like a group to send my wife into a guilt trip and make her do the things they thought she should have done (controlling behaviour). The actual practical aspects of the group were obscure, because the GM was in the doctors hands and the mom was writing the texts separately anyway to give news, outside fo the group.

In all of this, my wife and I had once again to deal with a difficult situation emotionally without being helped by our families (what family really should be in their best acception) but rather being blamed and accused of just being adults living their own messy and difficult life. Thank god we have each other and have learnt to better deal with these things thanks to this group and books (me) and a therapist (her). We have also learnt that no matter what the actual diagnosis is, there are things in common between these mental health issues and that the way to address them is the same, more or less. But most importantly of all, we have learnt that, yes, my brother and MIL had difficult moments, and we all can be stressed in difficult moments, but this is no justification for abusive behaviour. We also had the same difficult moments, and we have a right to face it without additional struggles.

[Swimmy55]

Hi there,
Thanks for writing in.  It looks like you have very good insight into your family members.  Glad you reached out to this forum for support network.  Also glad you have your spouse, but a community of like minded people really helps.  I am sorry about your family's health crises. A lot of times these things dysregulates the BPD person  into blaming,name calling, etc.  They cannot handle not being in control.  Thanks for joining this forum as a good first step to self care.

[Mutt]

One thing I’ve noticed is that crises don’t create these dynamics, they expose them.

Things can look normal when everything’s quiet, but stress tends to bring the real patterns out pretty quickly.

[CC43]

I generally agree that after having lived with someone diagnosed with BPD, and knowing someone with undiagnosed NPD, that I've probably grown to recognize some dysfunctional behaviors and patterns.  The thing is though, many BPD behaviors are normal human ones--fear of abandonment, blaming others, anger, feeling needy and self-centered, acting out when under stress, being impatient and impulsive, negative thinking, saying mean things that are regretable, thinking about suicide, questioning one's true identity.  By the same token, what I see with BPD is near-constant volatility in relationships and general dysfunction, not just in one aspect of life, but across multiple dimensions:  home life, work life (if any), romantic and platonic relationships, spending/economics, daily habits, etc.  I also see extremes--for example what usually wouldn't bother a healthy person very much or for very long, seems blown out of proportion to a person with BPD.  The frequency, intensity and duration of emotional reactions generally seem extreme in BPD.  Many aspects of their personality seem intense--the intensity of their emotions, the intensity of their responses, the intensity of their relationships, even the intensity of their thinking and language (perceiving things in all black or all white, but overwhelmingly in a negative light).  Many things seem exaggerated with them, including and especially their stories and explanations of their past.  For me, pwBPD seem to be constantly traumatized by life.  Relating with someone with BPD or NPD feels like emotional whiplash--not steady, reliable, predictable, dependable or safe.  For whatever reason, Katy Perry's lyrics for Hot n Cold just popped into my head when writing this.

Now I will say that I've encountered all sorts of high-conflict people, and some of the skills learned here have been really helpful in relating with them.