Looking for advice on how to communicate with a borderline mother.

[Joan86]

Hello all,
I am new here and looking for advice on how to communicate with a borderline mother.
NC has not worked, as my father refuses to communicate with me if I cut off mother.
When we talk on the phone, she provokes me regularly. I started to disengage and say things to the effect of  "This conversation is not productive/positive, lets talk another time.", but she ignores such requests and keeps on going, my father sitting silent.

I guess my question is... .if attempts to disengage do not work, is it best to just accept NC, even if that means no contact with my father as well?

Any input sincerely appreciated.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Joan86:   

Sorry about the problems with your mom. You will have to enforce your boundaries.  You might want to soften your comment up with an "I" statement. i.e. " I want to have a mutually respectful conversation. I can tell you are having a bad day. I need to let you go now, but we can talk on another day". After you finish, you hang up,the phone, even if she is still talking.

You might want to give some of the communication skills a try, before going no contact.

The links below can be a good starting point:
FOG
VALIDATION
COMMUNICATIONS

Check some of the lessons out and let us know what you think.  Also, your mom might rebel after the first few phone hang ups. If you are consistent with it, she will hopefully get the message.

[Joan86]

Thank you so much for your response.

I will definitely try to soften things up a bit and try this new approach.
If it still does not work out, then at least I can say I tried... .
And thank you for the reading material, I especially liked the article on emotional blackmail and the points it makes on non-defensive communication.

[DaughterOf]

Dear Joan86,

This is *such* a hard one! I struggle with this also. In my case, my mother gets jealous if I talk with my father 1:1. We've resorted to setting up a time to talk weekly by phone when she's out of the house. Might that be possible with your father?

BTW, NN, I loved your sample sentence. I'm going to try it myself!

Good luck, Joan86.