Needing Support to Stop Enabling

[Cruisin24]

Hi all,

Over the last few years (but longer, if I was honest), I've become frustrated, bitter and depressed over my relationship with my wife. Due to multiple physical and emotional traumas, my wife has relied on my repeatedly, and I've felt like I couldn't live my own life, but could only assist in helping her's. Now that she's getting professional help, she has now started doing her own thing, and engaging less in the family. She says that is trying to un-enmesh, and I do see her point.

I also started to get professional help, and with that assistance, was able to speak to my wife about my complaints and concerns in the relationship. Somehow she flipped the whole conversation around and made it about my issues.

I know I'm likely a classic codependency enabler. Ironically, I think my wife considers herself to be the same. It's hard to have an objective reflection of what is true. Instead, I'm beginning to accept my own truth, and work to improve my own emotional health. We will see how things land in our relationship after I have become stronger.

I'm still quite weak, and it's taken me a while to even admit that I felt our relationship was unhealthy, and that I wasn't happy in it. I'm praying for strength, and looking for any help that anyone can provide.

Thanks!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Welcome Cruisin24

You should find plenty help here.

It is good that you have identified your issues and that your wife is getting help also.

Learning to accept your own truth is important. However you need to be careful of trying to sell your truth to your wife, she will not see it as you do and will attempt to adapt it to her view, miscommunication and inadvertently invalidating you rather than the validation you seek.

When we find the "new us" we want to spread the word, however we need to really just consolidate within ourselves, and let the results of your changing attitude flow outward. She could she it as stealing her spotlight. She is really focusing on finding her new self.

[isilme]

careful of trying to sell your truth to your wife

I rarely bother trying to convince H of my truth.  I grew up with 2 BPD parents, and so codependency feels "normal' to me, and it's a work in progress to not simply fall back into those habits.  I literally state to myself in my mind, especially when H is starting to dysregulate "It's ok, he can have bad feelings and I don't have to stop them, fix them, or share them.  He can have them on his own, and I do not need to take an active part unless I want to."

The hardest thing to do, stop begin as much of an enabler, actually seems to have come about after just becoming exhausted.  I got to a point where I really stopped caring all that much if he dropped out of school, if he got fired, whatever.  If he wasn't going to put any efforting into himself, I could not bleed myself dry doing it all for him and still doing the majority of "adulting" that it takes to keep a household afloat.  I never communicated this with him, or felt a need to proclaim it.  I just did it, or stopped doing it as the case needed. 

It took a while, but he got tired of that dynamic, and while things still get rocky, he HAS made steps to improve himself greatly over the last 10 years. 

So just try to keep it all as something you doing inside you to make you a stronger, healthier person, regardless of how it may affect your pwBPD - usually the effect after a while is good, but it's gotta be for you first, then the r/s, then the other person.

[waverider]

 

So just try to keep it all as something you doing inside you to make you a stronger, healthier person, regardless of how it may affect your pwBPD - usually the effect after a while is good, but it's gotta be for you first, then the r/s, then the other person.

The thought process I use here is you can control what you do, which will change the environment ultimately influencing the choices of others. That is all you can do you can't directly control anyone else, particularly an adult.It becomes disempowering for you both if you try.

[Cruisin24]

Thank you @waverider and @isilme for the support and responses. I think the part that really helped me specifically was this:

Learning to accept your own truth is important. However you need to be careful of trying to sell your truth to your wife, she will not see it as you do and will attempt to adapt it to her view, miscommunication and inadvertently invalidating you rather than the validation you seek.

I have also been reading Codependent No More. What a great book! It has brought me a lot of clarity. Any other suggestions for books and/or podcasts?