New here — navigating my husband’s new BPD diagnosis

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I’m new here and this is my first time posting. I’m 27, and I’m trying to navigate my husband’s newly confirmed BPD diagnosis. I feel really alone because most people in my life keep telling me to just leave him. The hardest part is knowing that, if I were on the outside looking in, I probably would’ve said the same thing. But seeing him struggle and genuinely be in pain is breaking my heart, and I’m trying to understand all of this while also protecting myself.

I married my husband eight months ago, and we’re currently separated due to infidelity. This isn’t the first time, although right now it has only been online. The situation has left me heartbroken. I can see how much he’s hurting internally, but he continues to hurt himself and me in the process, and he’s now strained his relationships with my entire family.

For the first time in our five years together, he has started taking steps to change. He recently sought individual therapy, and we’re also in couples counseling. Last week, our couples therapist told me that he is definitely on the BPD spectrum. He doesn’t know this yet, he’s supposed to find out tomorrow.

I’m worried about how he’ll react and what our path will look like from here. Part of me thinks he might be more receptive than many are at first because we briefly talked about the possibility a couple of months ago when everything started to unravel. He rejected the idea initially, but after reading a little, he said some things resonated with him. We eventually dropped it so the professionals could guide him without us planting anything in his mind.

I’m hoping he’s able to accept the diagnosis and get the help he needs. I love him deeply, and I recognize the pain and trauma he carries. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want a family someday, one that’s stable and loving, and I want my husband to be someone who feels proud of himself and capable of real happiness.

I’m hopeful for him, but I’m also terrified of what our future might look like depending on how he responds tomorrow.

[driftedmind]

Hi everyone. I’m new here and this is my first time posting. I’m 27, and I’m trying to navigate my husband’s newly confirmed BPD diagnosis. I feel really alone because most people in my life keep telling me to just leave him. The hardest part is knowing that, if I were on the outside looking in, I probably would’ve said the same thing. But seeing him struggle and genuinely be in pain is breaking my heart, and I’m trying to understand all of this while also protecting myself.

I married my husband eight months ago, and we’re currently separated due to infidelity. This isn’t the first time, although right now it has only been online. The situation has left me heartbroken. I can see how much he’s hurting internally, but he continues to hurt himself and me in the process, and he’s now strained his relationships with my entire family.

For the first time in our five years together, he has started taking steps to change. He recently sought individual therapy, and we’re also in couples counseling. Last week, our couples therapist told me that he is definitely on the BPD spectrum. He doesn’t know this yet, he’s supposed to find out tomorrow.

I’m worried about how he’ll react and what our path will look like from here. Part of me thinks he might be more receptive than many are at first because we briefly talked about the possibility a couple of months ago when everything started to unravel. He rejected the idea initially, but after reading a little, he said some things resonated with him. We eventually dropped it so the professionals could guide him without us planting anything in his mind.

I’m hoping he’s able to accept the diagnosis and get the help he needs. I love him deeply, and I recognize the pain and trauma he carries. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want a family someday, one that’s stable and loving, and I want my husband to be someone who feels proud of himself and capable of real happiness.

I’m hopeful for him, but I’m also terrified of what our future might look like depending on how he responds tomorrow.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[mitochondrium]

Hi driftedmind and welcome!

how did it go with your husband getting the diagnosis?

The last part of your message really reminded me of myself 3 years ago. (you said: I’m hoping he’s able to accept the diagnosis and get the help he needs. I love him deeply, and I recognize the pain and trauma he carries. But I also don’t want to lose myself in the process. I want a family someday, one that’s stable and loving, and I want my husband to be someone who feels proud of himself and capable of real happiness.

I’m hopeful for him, but I’m also terrified of what our future might look like depending on how he responds tomorrow.)

Back  then I found out partly from my research partly from our psychologist that my partner probably has BPD. My life was very bad, there were accusations all the time, reactivity, bad controll of emotions, he even broke some things, he was shouting often etc. The worst of all, before I knew about the diagnosis I felt that I was doing something or everything wrong - he was very succesfull in his projection and I felt guilty for our relationship not working and I even felt guilty I did not manage to walk on eggshells good enough all the time which was mixed with anger that he expected me to do so. Allready then I did notice that intimate communication is hard with him in comparison to my ex boyfriend or a good friend, but I was wrongly putting it on me.

 I came to this forum at that time and seeked advice and people told me things will probably never be normall with him, told me their stories, I remember a young mother warning me how a relationship with such a father is and how she alienated herself from her partner to take good care of their child, I read the forum etc. I decided to give him a chance, he was going to individual therapy (CBT), later on he started to go to psychiatrist and got antidepresants, later on ADHD meds were added. All of it helped signifficantly and life with him now is berable altogether. There are good times when he is well controlled, we have nice days, but ofcorse no miracle happened, bpd is still there, just not so intenselly. I also have learned to communicate differently and when I manage to do so, it can help a lot, if he is not totally dysregulted. Honestly this different kind of communication still takes a lot of my energy especially when I am a bit tired or preoucupied with other things - which is common during a bussy week.

At that time around 3 years ago we were thinking about kids, I decided to wait to see if he will get any better and then we started around 6 months later, when there was some change. Tbh, I would recomend longer wait, especially after a threat to split up, he could manage and was motivated to show 6 months of change. But we were older, 33 at that time. I was worried my fertility is not perfect and later on I found out I was right - we still do not have a child. If I look at it altogether now, I think if we get a child, I will certainly have more responsibilities than him, I will also have to somehow explain to a child that their father is sometimes having psychological problems etc. I expect there will be activities that I will have to teach the child alone and also be responsible that the father does not scare them emotionally at least not so much. I know my partner will not be able to offer stability all the time, I am sure some raging will happen. I am also sure he will try his best and I hope it will be good enough. But it is clear to me that totally normal life will not be posssible, if it will be to tixic I might need to divirce him.

I came to realise that bpd can be treated, but not cured. According to psychologist and also from what I see, my partner is not even fully develped  BPD, “just” traits, he never attempted suicide (although soft threats 2 times), no self harm, no cheating, no physical violence, has a good steady job and is very succesfull there, has no problems with coworkers, has some steady friends, who dont see him as reactive (I think) and is not getting in arguments with them like ever. However, at home he is a different person, he can get offended by minimal things that are not even offensive (classical bpd style things), accusive also, rage can happen, then shout down happens, he often wants me to apologise for things I did not do and confess I did something I did not do - like a lot of people said in a thread „Accountability and blaming“, same can happen to me still.
What is the hardest for me is that real intimate communication and connection is not really there, sometimes I can get some, but it can come back like boomerang when he is dysregulated, at those times it is also impossible to get support from him, and also I cannot really know when he will dysregulate at the smalles thing. That ofcorse brought me to not sharing as much as I would if those issues were not there, which makes me feel lonely sometimes. There is also still issue with tasks or plans that we make. Something minor that happen can dysregulates him so much, he will then just not do it and sometimes his whole day stands still afterwards. Hollidays can have very stressfull days from what I just described and ofcorse when we are together 24/7, we communicate more and more arrguments arise from something he understood or interpreted wrong. Just so wrong. But no way he would listen to me, telling him what I meant, he has to be right about my thoughts or stg. like that.

You might ask why I stayed. I love him and I wanted to give him a chance and then infertility happened and right now for me it is (probably) impossible to find another partner soon enough to have a child. And I still think I can bring a child in an ok enough family with treatment he is getting and my stability and efforts. But when I am sad and a lot of this drama happen one after another, I cannot help but wish I was 28 again and had the knowledge and understanding of bpd that I have now. I am sure I would have run out of this for a more suitable relationship with better communication and towards calmer less stressful life where I would not be looking after everything I say.

You are young now, you have the knowledge of at least that bpd exists and your housband has it, you dont have children yet. Do good research - this site is great for it. Read the succesful stories and ask yourself how succesful they really are. Read less succesful ones. Read stories with children involved. Remember you cannot save ther partner from his mental illnes, even if he takes treatment there will be ups and downs, even if he acknowledges diagnosis now, that can still change in the future. After having all the data, make informed deccision that is best for you and only you.

Good luck!