Does anyone else question their perceptions

[JsMom]

After a conversation with my udbpd son a couple days ago where he was having a melt down, I have been worried about his state of mind and possible actions he was taking this week. He has brought up suicide before when feeling like a failure.  So my imagination can take flight. Sometimes I feel like he says things to get a reaction out of me or to get me to help him in someway.
To be honest, he makes impulsive decisions that I try to intercept even if it's only in my mind. I spend way too much of my time trying to make sense of how he thinks or come up with just the right words to keep him on a positive course. Then he calls as he just did, in a centered rational place asking about a medical appointment my husband had today. The conversation was easy, normal, no strings, not needy....  Rare times like these when I don't hear pain in his voice - I have hope and question my perceptions of other interactions.
Does my confusion make sense to anyone?  I get that I need to mentally disconnect and I think I'm beginning to learn. Is my answer in learning all the ways bpd presents and address them as they come and try to keep my thoughts out of his life?
 Thanks for being here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

I am struggling with grief. I want the son I chatted with tonight. I want to see him relaxed and unburdened like he was tonight. I'm not meaning to be dramatic,  I keep my feelings locked inside. I thought if I shared my struggles that I might be freer myself and be realistic about my son's illness and my powerlessness in it.