Does anyone else question their perceptions

[JsMom]

After a conversation with my udbpd son a couple days ago where he was having a melt down, I have been worried about his state of mind and possible actions he was taking this week. He has brought up suicide before when feeling like a failure.  So my imagination can take flight. Sometimes I feel like he says things to get a reaction out of me or to get me to help him in someway.
To be honest, he makes impulsive decisions that I try to intercept even if it's only in my mind. I spend way too much of my time trying to make sense of how he thinks or come up with just the right words to keep him on a positive course. Then he calls as he just did, in a centered rational place asking about a medical appointment my husband had today. The conversation was easy, normal, no strings, not needy....  Rare times like these when I don't hear pain in his voice - I have hope and question my perceptions of other interactions.
Does my confusion make sense to anyone?  I get that I need to mentally disconnect and I think I'm beginning to learn. Is my answer in learning all the ways bpd presents and address them as they come and try to keep my thoughts out of his life?
 Thanks for being here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

I am struggling with grief. I want the son I chatted with tonight. I want to see him relaxed and unburdened like he was tonight. I'm not meaning to be dramatic,  I keep my feelings locked inside. I thought if I shared my struggles that I might be freer myself and be realistic about my son's illness and my powerlessness in it.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

I think I understand your plight.  You're constantly on edge because your son has teetered on the brink so often in the past.  It's hard not to assume the worst.  As your son has gotten older, you have learned to recognize the signs when he starts to veer off course.  Maybe it's a refusal to communicate, passive-aggressiveness, a string of nasty texts or a tirade of accusations.  Maybe it's ignoring you on your birthday or Mother's Day, right after you bailed him out in a major way.  Maybe it's getting a 2 a.m. telephone call from the police or a hospital.  Or maybe he hasn't landed in the hospital lately, but even so, you feel a bit of PTSD for fear that he might end up there, because he seems not to be doing very well.  He might be talking about how he feels worthless, empty, that he just can't cope anymore, he feels despair, he hates his life.  He might alternate between hating you and hating himself, and you're not sure which is worse.  You have a maternal radar, alert to any setback or bad news that could push your son over the edge.  You know he's not very resilient, and he has a tendency to blow everything out of proportion, which means fractured relationships.  The result is that he might get fired from his job, or suddenly quit a good one over a seemingly minor incident.  He might break up with a partner, and the break-up is a mess.  His anger is lightning-fast, and he seems to boil over; his reactions seem totally out of proportion to the situation.  Worst of all, he seems never to take responsibility for his actions.  He expects YOU to get him out of his mess.  Though he resents feeling reliant on you, it's preferable to admitting that he doesn't handle things as he should.  Deep down he feels like a failure, and his way of coping is to blame others.  The sad reality is, he feels he doesn't have agency.  But he gets you to bail him out.  Once you do that, his immediate source of stress is alleviated, and maybe he'll temporarily feel a little bit better.  He will probably neglect to thank you, because he thinks you owe him.  Rather than apologize or show a little gratitude, he pretends the whole thing didn't even happen.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, one thing you might try is to slow-walk.  Maybe you're not quite as available all the time.  Maybe you call him when it's convenient for you (say, once a week), and you just don't do texts anymore.  If he wants to talk to you or ask you to do something, he needs to call you.  If there's an emergency, he can call you too; but also know that he can call 911.  Maybe that little change could make communications feel more intentional, and you can gauge the situation better in a live conversation.  If give him a little more time and space to handle his emotions and his problems on his own, and maybe he'll surprise you.  That way, maybe you give your radar a little break.

If he's talking about suicide, then you could ask him, "Do you want me to call 911?"  If he says No, then you can feel a little relieved that he's not feeling that badly.  If he says Yes, then he'll go to the hospital and get some help he needs.

[JsMom]

Thank you CC43 for the long reply that covers the hope, pain, fear and drama of loving someone who struggles with bpd. The scenarios may be different but the same in many ways. I will always have a Momma's heart. Yet, I also know it's my responsibility to protect it. Slow walking is a great way of looking at doing that. Thank you for suggesting it.  My son does thank me at times, which is a gift too.  I know because he has told me so that he hates being dependent on me.  I know I need to do my part in changing my encouraging him to be dependent. It isn't serving him well and satisfies an unhealthy need in me, I think.
Thank you again.