Feeling Rough After Being in THE City

[SnailShell]

I was back in 'her' city over the weekend after being broken up for 18 months (jeez, that flew).

It feels wrong... still thinking about this.

I feel like I've been doing brilliantly, and even being back in the city again was fine.

I visited friends, saw family etc...

Then I saw a friend that she introduced me to.

The guy is a therapist, and I've deliberately never spoken to him about what actually happened.

This time, he sort of casually asked me - and made it clear that he didn't really know the girl any more, and that he was just interested.

I shared some things with him - not everything - and he said that he thought I was probably better off out of the situation.

The more I was there, the more I felt stirred up.

It's a very 'settled' city - lots of married couples and settled people; and it has a strong Christian ethos.

I feel like I'm still trying to get my sh** together in a huge, global-sized city where I share with four other flat mates. I'm 36.

She has a car, a house of her own (well - paid for by her parents), a professional job, and is getting married soon (I know from mutual people).

I'd absolutely love to have her life... which is ridiculous; because I've been in a relationship with her and I know that when the front door closes, she seems to 'switch'.

I never felt respected by her, she pushed on my boundaries routinely, I was her fp and that was really tough (feeling like someone's saviour is just never a good thing).

When we broke up the first time, she spent all week texting me - demanding that I text her back too; but then told me that she'd been on two other dates that week.

When I saw her with another guy later down the line (after we'd broken up again for two months, but had kept in touch); she said that she 'wouldn't talk to me out of respect for him'.

Which sounds mature, but she never respected me - and that last comment of hers hurt so much that I just had to cut contact.

It was then that her partner called to threaten me, and tell me to back off (of course - I actually HAD backed off - most of the contact was coming from her at that point).

The thing is - our mutual friend (the therapist that I met) told me that if I'd seen her in Uni; I'd have been shocked. Apparently she was non-functional then, and he commended her for working on herself so much.

And that's one of the things that *I* admired too.

It makes me feel like she's pulled her life together, and as though I'm just... kind of... a total loser.

I have about eight hours of paid teaching work (I'm a self-employed artist); and I've just finished training to be a therapist myself - but I have 80 or so unpaid hours to do before I can practice.

I have two potential Master's degrees on the horizon...

I really REALLY feel like I can pull life together in the next 2-3 years... it's just so hard right now.

I'm struggling.

[PeteWitsend]

Hi, and welcome back.  I remember some of your earlier posts. 

...
I feel like I'm still trying to get my sh** together in a huge, global-sized city where I share with four other flat mates. I'm 36.

She has a car, a house of her own (well - paid for by her parents), a professional job, and is getting married soon (I know from mutual people).

I'd absolutely love to have her life... which is ridiculous; because I've been in a relationship with her and I know that when the front door closes, she seems to 'switch'.

...

In most of the world, if not all of the world, having wealthy parents, or at least parents who are able and willing to provide extended financial support like that pretty much trumps everything else - intelligence, work ethic, personality - and you'll see those people living better lives than their peers... at least until the money runs out, or they get into careers or roles that require them to actually perform. 

As far as envying the life of anyone that's BPD, I think you've seen the workings of their mind a bit.  I would not envy being them one bit.  Being  alone with their thoughts and their insecurities must be rough. 

After I got divorced, several people in my life would comment on how well BPDxw seemed to be doing; she loves to post pictures of herself, her car, trips, house, etc. on facebook.  But I knew from stories my daughter would tell me how much she and her new BF would fight, and some of the insane things that would happen between them - a lot of door-slamming, screamfests every night it seemed.  So it was all a mirage, really.  Her pictures and image were carefully curated to project "successful young professional who has it all" but the reality was quite different.  And of course, the child support payments I was making to her paid for a lot of it... she spends very little of it on my daughter, who's always in cheap clothes and goes to public school. 

I would tell people I didn't envy her at all, because I knew it was all fake, and I knew from how she behaved during our marriage and the things she'd occasionally confess that her mind was like her own prison.  She was constantly sizing herself up to others, and needed that contact and feelings of superiority in order to feel adequate.  If she didn't get that, she was in melt-down mode, picking fights with those closest to her.  And if someone measured up better than her, or didn't go along with her, she was burning that bridge fast.  I've lost count of how many friends and neighbors here she's no longer on speaking terms with.

So if you're hung up on your BPDx's image and apparent success and happiness, let it go.  You don't know what's really going on behind closed doors.  Just give it time, and you'll likely see the same patterns emerge that sunk your relationship.  And if not, if she's one of the rare pwBPD that's able to successfully recognize and control her behavioral disorder, well good for her.  Maybe she'll reach out and apologize for how she treated you, but maybe not.  And regardless, you have your own life and path to walk, and it's not near hers.  Learn to appreciate what you have!

I really REALLY feel like I can pull life together in the next 2-3 years... it's just so hard right now.

I'm struggling.

There's going to be ups and downs; life is a marathon, not a sprint.  The first years of your career are the most challenging, but if you work hard and keep your eyes and ears open, you'll learn fast and it will get easier. 

And a lot of people burn out and fail out of their careers, especially if they burn too brightly early on.  So again, focus on your own game and don't worry about things outside your control.  It's natural to do so, of course, as we compare ourselves to our peers, but you can't let it affect you so much.  If the person is BPD, you'll likely see these ups and downs happen a lot more regularly... just give it time and don't allow envy to cloud your judgment. 

[SnailShell]

Hi, and welcome back.  I remember some of your earlier posts. 

In most of the world, if not all of the world, having wealthy parents, or at least parents who are able and willing to provide extended financial support like that pretty much trumps everything else - intelligence, work ethic, personality - and you'll see those people living better lives than their peers... at least until the money runs out, or they get into careers or roles that require them to actually perform. 

Thanks for the reply - I really appreciate it

Yeah - well, she's the child of an eminent scholar who taught at a really famous school; and they had two houses - so she's living in one of them.

She's an interesting person career wise - she's well educated, and had some really well paid, responsible jobs.

At the same time, her 'outside of work' life seemed super messy.

It seemed like a case of 'I can show up for work and somehow force it; but the moment I leave, things become fraught.'

She was hospitalised and suffered from major psychosis, all while in and out of some good jobs.

It's one of the things that made it hard to understand where she was at health-wise.

So if you're hung up on your BPDx's image and apparent success and happiness, let it go.  You don't know what's really going on behind closed doors.  Just give it time, and you'll likely see the same patterns emerge that sunk your relationship.  And if not, if she's one of the rare pwBPD that's able to successfully recognize and control her behavioral disorder, well good for her.  Maybe she'll reach out and apologize for how she treated you, but maybe not.  And regardless, you have your own life and path to walk, and it's not near hers. 

Yeah, that's true -

In truth, she told me that her diagnosis was CPTSD, not BPD - but her behaviours were very BPD-ish. She also told me that there were some things that she'd only tell someone after she'd married them... so - no idea what those things were!

One thing that used to bug me was that we'd sometimes sit in silence over dinner, and then she'd bring her phone out and be like - "Smile!" and we'd both look like we were having a brilliant time... then immediately back to straight faced after that.

I've seen how the image she presents isn't what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm just remembering how conversations with her were really lucid, but laced with just... unusual ways of thinking.

I remember hearing about a guy that she was going to marry - she was heartbroken when it didn't happen. I later found out that they'd never actually met - only speaking for a couple of months by video call.

Lots of times, I'd track the conversation, and then something random would happen which would leave me scratching my head - some sentence or other, where I'd wonder where her head was actually at.

And then - of course - there was the being told to f**k off, and being called names, and having sexual boundaries consistently pushed, and being told things like "I want to be with you ALL of the time" when I wanted to spend Christmas with my family instead of hers (after a few months of dating).

The people at church didn't see that side to her - they saw the devout, really friendly side; and then the front door would close and the other behaviours would start...

There's going to be ups and downs; life is a marathon, not a sprint.  The first years of your career are the most challenging, but if you work hard and keep your eyes and ears open, you'll learn fast and it will get easier. 

And a lot of people burn out and fail out of their careers, especially if they burn too brightly early on.  So again, focus on your own game and don't worry about things outside your control.  It's natural to do so, of course, as we compare ourselves to our peers, but you can't let it affect you so much.  If the person is BPD, you'll likely see these ups and downs happen a lot more regularly... just give it time and don't allow envy to cloud your judgment. 

Thanks for this too - I was a child carer in a situation which ran until 28; then Covid hit, and I've tried to navigate life as a self-employed creative.

I think I've clicked in the last year or so that I want to shift out of transient, changeable work and prioritise solid, well-paid work and then build from there.

It'll come, I think. But it'll take a bit of time, maybe...

[PeteWitsend]

In truth, she told me that her diagnosis was CPTSD, not BPD - but her behaviours were very BPD-ish. She also told me that there were some things that she'd only tell someone after she'd married them... so - no idea what those things were!

...

I guess CPTSD manifests itself similarly to BPD.  But unlike BPD, it's cause can be traced to an event, or series of events.  I wonder if this makes it more of a treatable condition?  Or at least allows for a more treatable condition.  Maybe that's why she seems to have shown some improvement?

That part about not telling someone things until after they're married is wild.  It's one thing to find out someone is BPD or CPTSD after you're married, and have been in the dark before then because they kept it together.  However to knowingly tell someone "I have a deep dark secret, and I won't share it until you're legally bound to stay with me" is next level! 

...

Yeah - well, she's the child of an eminent scholar who taught at a really famous school; and they had two houses - so she's living in one of them.

She's an interesting person career wise - she's well educated, and had some really well paid, responsible jobs.

At the same time, her 'outside of work' life seemed super messy.

It seemed like a case of 'I can show up for work and somehow force it; but the moment I leave, things become fraught.'

...

So much of the world works on a "who you know" rather than "what you know" basis that I would assume her father's prestige opened career doors for her that wouldn't be open to the typical university graduate.  And similarly, earlier in my career I had been surprised many times by interactions with members of my profession that had absolutely golden resumes & respected positions at their firms, but couldn't handle simple tasks or do their job competently.  I've learned you just never know what someone is like at work until you see how they actually perform. 

There was a period of time after our divorce that BPDxw's career trajectory changed dramatically.  She was younger than me, and started her career later, but landed a really good job and looked to be on the rise.  We work in the same profession, and you'd think this would've bothered me, but I knew better.  She was from another country, although she did a master's program here at a fairly prestigious American university.  But I've since learned that this school often fills out their masters programs with candidates for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with actual ability, intellect, test scores, grades, etc.  So again... you just never know what someone is really like, or how they got where they are unless you saw how "the sausage gets made" so to speak. 

Anyways, I remember wondering "how the hell did she get THAT job?" then checking out her bio page at the firm, and noting that she had claimed expertise in a lot of areas where she had none, or at most, a bit of highly-supervised work on one or two projects.  She really had no expertise whatsoever, but I digress. And in addition to the falsely claimed expertise, she claimed to be fluent in two other languages - aside from English and her native language - that I knew for sure she was not fluent in.  But she was not a nepotism hire; she wasn't there because she was bringing in business or had an influential parent who could benefit the firm; she was now in a position where she was expected to perform, and I knew it would be only a matter of time before that exposed her.  Sure enough, one evening my daughter told me her mom was crying at home a lot because her "boss hates her work" and she thought she was going to get fired.  And then she was fired not too long after that.  She went back to her glorified clerk job at the firm where she started her "career" and she's been there ever since.

I do sometimes wonder what finally got her... was it just general incompetence?  Or did she actually get asked to sit in on a meeting conducted in one of her fake fluent languages and get exposed hard core as fraud?  How had they overlooked this?   There might be a story there.

BPDxw also grew up in a notoriously corrupt country, where competence does not matter, and "the truth" is whatever you can convince people it is.  Lie on your resume.  Tell them you designed and built the Eiffel Tower.  You have 4 PhD's from Harvard, Yale, Stanford, and MIT.  You cured cancer.  If they buy it, you're golden.  If not?  No big deal!  Just find a bigger sucker next time.

And not to act like America isn't also horribly corrupt now, but at least here, for example, doctors can't just buy an M.D.; they're expected to go through medical school (without paying each professor for a passing grade), pass the boards, and learn how to specialize in a medical field via a multi-year residence.  So we have some standards.  BPDxw keeps learning that the hard way. 

[zachira]

It can be terribly frustrating how a person can make it look like he/she is at the top of the world in everything and how so many people buy into their false image. Sometimes the false image eventually gets exposed so most people know about it, and a lot of times the work the person does to fool most people makes it look like this person has really made it. Sometimes the best strategy can be to distance ourselves as much as possible from a former close partner or family member and the people who surround him/her, as the war to make themselves look good and anybody who has stood up to them look bad never ends. These type of people work endlessly to recruit their supporting flying monkeys to gaslight any close former partner or family member who has exposed them. We only can continue to value ourselves and make better choices about who we choose to associate with. I have personally distanced myself from most of my close family members, as I realize they will always be stuck in promoting their toxic narcissistic public image, whereas I now enjoy the simple things in life more than ever and worry less and less what people think of me.