Is it really the end

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello -
This is my first post and I am a little nervous about sharing openly about my relationship and the trouble I have been having for over a decade. I share little with my friends and family, only letting them know that we are working through things.

I have been struggling with a partner that exhibits all the BPD traits and has been "misdiagnosed" (her words) with it several times throughout her life. There are severe bouts of anger followed by self-hating remorse followed by blame for how I could have prevented it. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to find a path to either better myself to manage the outbursts, or to get out of this relationship. However, I find myself drawn back to it time after time. She breaks up with me faithfully every month, leaving me crushed and withdrawn. She breaks up, then comes back in tears saying she didn't mean it, or glosses it over as if it never happened. She has sent me photos of other people that she finds attractive, threatens to be with other people because I have questioned our relationship, and lets me know that she has options. The outbursts are harsh and seem out of the blue. A wrong word or interaction. I am careful of what I say and do. I have isolated myself at times and rebelled at times, tried to change how she sees me, all hoping for a different result. She has anxiety and depression, and my heart aches for what she is going through. I just don't know if I can handle her taking that out on me.

I have my own flaws and bring a lot of my own issues with me, so please don't think it is one sided, it is not. There are things about me, my family, and my life that would be hard for anyone to manage, and is definitely not helpful for someone struggling with mental illness. I am a pleaser and will bend myself to fit her wants in an unhealthy way, but through therapy I have stopped that behavior. It has not been well received. I am deeply hurt by her actions and feel like there is no understanding of the damage that has been done. I have not been able to forget it. I feel like it lives in my bones, and even when my heart is saying be with her because she cannot help her actions, my body and mind won't allow it. I feel that I both cannot live without her, and I cannot live with her. My family and my children have said I am a different person when I am with her - careful, always watching, tentative, and unhappy. They have begun to limit their exposure to the two of us together, and my kids have said they won't visit if she is there. This last break up I didn't wallow and I made plans for the month of December without her for the very first time. I feel very guilty about it and also want to share experiences with my family. 

I feel stuck. It is unhealthy for both of us to stay, and yet hard to let go.  Anyone else struggling?

[cats4justice]

Hello -
This is my first post and I am a little nervous about sharing openly about my relationship and the trouble I have been having for over a decade. I share little with my friends and family, only letting them know that we are working through things.

I have been struggling with a partner that exhibits all the BPD traits and has been "misdiagnosed" (her words) with it several times throughout her life. There are severe bouts of anger followed by self-hating remorse followed by blame for how I could have prevented it. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to find a path to either better myself to manage the outbursts, or to get out of this relationship. However, I find myself drawn back to it time after time. She breaks up with me faithfully every month, leaving me crushed and withdrawn. She breaks up, then comes back in tears saying she didn't mean it, or glosses it over as if it never happened. She has sent me photos of other people that she finds attractive, threatens to be with other people because I have questioned our relationship, and lets me know that she has options. The outbursts are harsh and seem out of the blue. A wrong word or interaction. I am careful of what I say and do. I have isolated myself at times and rebelled at times, tried to change how she sees me, all hoping for a different result. She has anxiety and depression, and my heart aches for what she is going through. I just don't know if I can handle her taking that out on me.

I have my own flaws and bring a lot of my own issues with me, so please don't think it is one sided, it is not. There are things about me, my family, and my life that would be hard for anyone to manage, and is definitely not helpful for someone struggling with mental illness. I am a pleaser and will bend myself to fit her wants in an unhealthy way, but through therapy I have stopped that behavior. It has not been well received. I am deeply hurt by her actions and feel like there is no understanding of the damage that has been done. I have not been able to forget it. I feel like it lives in my bones, and even when my heart is saying be with her because she cannot help her actions, my body and mind won't allow it. I feel that I both cannot live without her, and I cannot live with her. My family and my children have said I am a different person when I am with her - careful, always watching, tentative, and unhappy. They have begun to limit their exposure to the two of us together, and my kids have said they won't visit if she is there. This last break up I didn't wallow and I made plans for the month of December without her for the very first time. I feel very guilty about it and also want to share experiences with my family. 

I feel stuck. It is unhealthy for both of us to stay, and yet hard to let go.  Anyone else struggling?

[Rowdy]

Hello and welcome.

I am quite new to this site, and my situation is different to yours as I have separated from my wife and didn’t know about BPD while in the relationship as she is undiagnosed, but your story sounds quite familiar.

I am sure there will be someone along with better advice on ways to try and manage your relationship, but in the meantime, to answer your question then yes, most people here are struggling, or have struggled with the problems that you are facing in your relationship.

If you look through some of the threads on here, you can click on a posters user name which will take you to their personal page and at the bottom of their page click on users recent posts, in most cases if you go back and read their first post they will have written an explanation as to why they are here.
In most cases you will probably find yourself shaking your head in amazement at how similar we have all been treated.

You are not alone.