Is it really the end

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello -
This is my first post and I am a little nervous about sharing openly about my relationship and the trouble I have been having for over a decade. I share little with my friends and family, only letting them know that we are working through things.

I have been struggling with a partner that exhibits all the BPD traits and has been "misdiagnosed" (her words) with it several times throughout her life. There are severe bouts of anger followed by self-hating remorse followed by blame for how I could have prevented it. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to find a path to either better myself to manage the outbursts, or to get out of this relationship. However, I find myself drawn back to it time after time. She breaks up with me faithfully every month, leaving me crushed and withdrawn. She breaks up, then comes back in tears saying she didn't mean it, or glosses it over as if it never happened. She has sent me photos of other people that she finds attractive, threatens to be with other people because I have questioned our relationship, and lets me know that she has options. The outbursts are harsh and seem out of the blue. A wrong word or interaction. I am careful of what I say and do. I have isolated myself at times and rebelled at times, tried to change how she sees me, all hoping for a different result. She has anxiety and depression, and my heart aches for what she is going through. I just don't know if I can handle her taking that out on me.

I have my own flaws and bring a lot of my own issues with me, so please don't think it is one sided, it is not. There are things about me, my family, and my life that would be hard for anyone to manage, and is definitely not helpful for someone struggling with mental illness. I am a pleaser and will bend myself to fit her wants in an unhealthy way, but through therapy I have stopped that behavior. It has not been well received. I am deeply hurt by her actions and feel like there is no understanding of the damage that has been done. I have not been able to forget it. I feel like it lives in my bones, and even when my heart is saying be with her because she cannot help her actions, my body and mind won't allow it. I feel that I both cannot live without her, and I cannot live with her. My family and my children have said I am a different person when I am with her - careful, always watching, tentative, and unhappy. They have begun to limit their exposure to the two of us together, and my kids have said they won't visit if she is there. This last break up I didn't wallow and I made plans for the month of December without her for the very first time. I feel very guilty about it and also want to share experiences with my family. 

I feel stuck. It is unhealthy for both of us to stay, and yet hard to let go.  Anyone else struggling?

[cats4justice]

Hello -
This is my first post and I am a little nervous about sharing openly about my relationship and the trouble I have been having for over a decade. I share little with my friends and family, only letting them know that we are working through things.

I have been struggling with a partner that exhibits all the BPD traits and has been "misdiagnosed" (her words) with it several times throughout her life. There are severe bouts of anger followed by self-hating remorse followed by blame for how I could have prevented it. I have been in therapy for 7 years trying to find a path to either better myself to manage the outbursts, or to get out of this relationship. However, I find myself drawn back to it time after time. She breaks up with me faithfully every month, leaving me crushed and withdrawn. She breaks up, then comes back in tears saying she didn't mean it, or glosses it over as if it never happened. She has sent me photos of other people that she finds attractive, threatens to be with other people because I have questioned our relationship, and lets me know that she has options. The outbursts are harsh and seem out of the blue. A wrong word or interaction. I am careful of what I say and do. I have isolated myself at times and rebelled at times, tried to change how she sees me, all hoping for a different result. She has anxiety and depression, and my heart aches for what she is going through. I just don't know if I can handle her taking that out on me.

I have my own flaws and bring a lot of my own issues with me, so please don't think it is one sided, it is not. There are things about me, my family, and my life that would be hard for anyone to manage, and is definitely not helpful for someone struggling with mental illness. I am a pleaser and will bend myself to fit her wants in an unhealthy way, but through therapy I have stopped that behavior. It has not been well received. I am deeply hurt by her actions and feel like there is no understanding of the damage that has been done. I have not been able to forget it. I feel like it lives in my bones, and even when my heart is saying be with her because she cannot help her actions, my body and mind won't allow it. I feel that I both cannot live without her, and I cannot live with her. My family and my children have said I am a different person when I am with her - careful, always watching, tentative, and unhappy. They have begun to limit their exposure to the two of us together, and my kids have said they won't visit if she is there. This last break up I didn't wallow and I made plans for the month of December without her for the very first time. I feel very guilty about it and also want to share experiences with my family. 

I feel stuck. It is unhealthy for both of us to stay, and yet hard to let go.  Anyone else struggling?

[Rowdy]

Hello and welcome.

I am quite new to this site, and my situation is different to yours as I have separated from my wife and didn’t know about BPD while in the relationship as she is undiagnosed, but your story sounds quite familiar.

I am sure there will be someone along with better advice on ways to try and manage your relationship, but in the meantime, to answer your question then yes, most people here are struggling, or have struggled with the problems that you are facing in your relationship.

If you look through some of the threads on here, you can click on a posters user name which will take you to their personal page and at the bottom of their page click on users recent posts, in most cases if you go back and read their first post they will have written an explanation as to why they are here.
In most cases you will probably find yourself shaking your head in amazement at how similar we have all been treated.

You are not alone.

[Under The Bridge]

You're in the right place to find others who have been through what you're going through now. I read through your post and noted the many 'standard' behaviours of someone with BPD - it really is amazing how symptoms run to a script which always repeats.

You said she was 'misdiagnosed', which I take to mean that she's had professional diagnosis?  People with BPD often refuse to believe they even have a problem and maintain it's all their partner's fault; another standard symptom of the illness.

You say you are in therapy at the moment but is she? Without it she is unlikely to improve and maybe not even then. It's very important that you don't blame yourself for her actions because even if you were 100% faultless and a perfect human being, she would still act the same way because they see - and imagine - things their own way, which in their mind is always correct. It's very easy to slip into self-blame and we've all done it to one extent or another but she is the one with a serious, debilitating illness, not you.

You can give and take equally in a relationship and that's how it should be, but it's not good to simply endure an abusive relationship at the expense of your own physical and mental health.

If she's not in therapy at the moment, do you think she would do it and more importantly, stick with it?

[Me88]

You're in the right place to find others who have been through what you're going through now. I read through your post and noted the many 'standard' behaviours of someone with BPD - it really is amazing how symptoms run to a script which always repeats.

You said she was 'misdiagnosed', which I take to mean that she's had professional diagnosis?  People with BPD often refuse to believe they even have a problem and maintain it's all their partner's fault; another standard symptom of the illness.

You say you are in therapy at the moment but is she? Without it she is unlikely to improve and maybe not even then. It's very important that you don't blame yourself for her actions because even if you were 100% faultless and a perfect human being, she would still act the same way because they see - and imagine - things their own way, which in their mind is always correct. It's very easy to slip into self-blame and we've all done it to one extent or another but she is the one with a serious, debilitating illness, not you.

You can give and take equally in a relationship and that's how it should be, but it's not good to simply endure an abusive relationship at the expense of your own physical and mental health.

If she's not in therapy at the moment, do you think she would do it and more importantly, stick with it?

to echo this, therapy alone is absolutely nothing. I was in couples counseling with me ex, she smiled, downplayed things and didn't really even bring up her concerns. Only real thing was her saying 'I don't feel heard' aka I don't agree with every accusation or concern she had. Agree to disagree was never on the table. Plus she was in individual therapy for YEARS before me. I'm unsure what she ever shared as her reporting back to me was her saying her therapist thought I was the issue, so of course one sided, no context or even made up scenarios. Even for normal people it's hard to see yourself as a problem in situations, for them it's 100x worse.

[cats4justice]

Thank you to those that have responded. I have read quite a bit on the site and it does make me feel less alone.

She is not in therapy. She has been very off and on with it, and has never been a regular attendee. She says that it doesn't help, or that the therapist is wrong. She says she is misdiagnosed mostly because she doesn't agree, and refuses to be labeled. She is very smart and an avid reader of psychology books, and has often said that she knows what to say and do to get things her way. We are in a same sex relationship and she often points to her past coming out as a reason for her anger.

It is very hard not to believe all of this is somehow my fault. I saw the red flags very early on and ignored them. She "needed me" - said I was the only one that could temper her anger. I think that made me feel heroic of sorts. But the anger is pretty bad - name calling, threats to me and my family, and always shame over her actions later. Words like "you know I would never do that to you" and "of course you know I love you - I just need more." It makes me feel guilty for leaving or not accepting the behavior.

[Under The Bridge]

She is very smart and an avid reader of psychology books, and has often said that she knows what to say and do to get things her way.

I have posted often that I'm convinced that BPD sufferers know exactly what they're doing far more than they would have us know. It can't all be blamed on their condition. My ex could 'play' me whenever she wanted and try to guilt me into believing everything was always my fault. Same with her family and friends too; she showed a lot of premeditation and planning during her outbursts. They are very adept at finding your triggers and using them.

We all thought of ourselves as being the one who would save them but eventually you realise that you're fighting a battle which, at best, you can only attain a temporary peace until the next incident. We ignore the red flags because at the start, the relationship is fantastic and it seems we've found our soulmate. Just the first stage of the BPD experience.

It is very hard not to believe all of this is somehow my fault

Yes, we all felt like that at one time because we've never encountered a relationship like BPD, where no normal rules seem to apply, and we can easily start to think 'there's only one possible explanation left - it must be something I'm doing wrong'.  Once you start thinking like that you can end up doing what the BPD does and mentally rearrange - or create - facts to fit your thoughts and reinforce your wrong feelings of guilt.

You're not to blame. She will almost certainly have had the same problems with previous partners, as BPD is such a repeating cyccle that always ends up the same. She may blame all her previous partners but they can't all have been 'villains' and you shouldn't think of yourself as one either.

It is very hard though, because we're caring and loving people who only want to see the best in our partners. I've always thought it very ironic that we put far more effort into a BPD relationship than we ever do in a 'normal' one yet we get less joy in return.