After 5 months of peace, my HwuBPD baited and threatened me.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My H stopped emotionally abusing me about 5 months ago, and my life got better. About two weeks after he stopped abusing me, all of the years of suppressed anger came out, and I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that going forward, he’d have to respect my boundaries.  I told him if I felt unsafe I’d contact the security team in our co-op, and that if he touched me, I’d call the police. I was furious, so I said many things he didn’t like, but all of it was true.  Since that argument , he’s been respectful and calm, until now. 

He picked a fight with me.  He was disputing the day I last saw my cousin alive.   This cousin was loved and revered by me and the rest of my family, so he was opening a wound, and he knew it.  I calmly stated the day I last saw my dear cousin alive, and I let it go. Big mistake.   

He escalated by changing the subject, telling me he’s still very upset that I’d yelled at him, almost 5 months ago.  Mind you, he can only recall TWO times I’ve  been extremely angry with him in 22 years of marriage. 

He threatened me, saying I should be careful, because HE CAN HIT ME (because of my “bad” behavior). 

He also threatened to divorce me, as he’s done many times before. 

Then, he just continued to argue, saying I was trying to “shut him down.”  This is what he usually says when I don’t take the bait, he really wants to fight, and  I have nothing more to add to whatever he’s hyped up about.

I had to put on my coat and leave the house, because there was nothing I could say to calm him down.  Meanwhile, I never raised my voice. My face was always neutral.    I just wanted peace. 

I returned after a short walk. It was unusual for me to leave the house alone, at night — I was a little uncomfortable. And it was freezing outside.  But I needed him to calm down.

When I returned, he was already in bed.  He asked if I got the mail.  So once again, he went right back to normal. 

But I am DONE.  Before, I’d be delighted that things went “back to normal.”  But now, I think he might be too crazy for me to live with him any longer.  I’m pushing 80 years old.  I can’t do this.  I’ve got to find the courage to throw him out, even though it will be very tough for me, financially.  I could lose everything. 

I figured out that he’s been very upset about a local election, and he’s terrified it will mean the downfall of our city.  He’s been talking about it, a lot, trying to draw me in.  I think he’s extremely anxious about it, and he’s taking it out on me.  He did the same thing in 2023, when a new high rise was being built nearby.  He almost lost his mind, and he took it out on me. He thought we’d lose all of our sunlight, we’d be overrun with new people in the neighborhood, etc.   He made my life a living nightmare, until the building was up, and all was well — It’s white exterior even brought more sunlight. With a lot of help from therapists from 2023 to now,  I’ve learned how to focus on me, and I’ve built a nice life for myself, outside of my home. I figured I could live out the rest of my years like this.  But now, even though there’s no name-calling, criticisms or putdowns, he’s impossible to live with, again. He’s too abusive.

This could be the last straw for me. I don’t think he’s going to stop.   I’m too old for this.  And I don’t love him.  He’s destroyed our relationship. He’s too disruptive.  Perhaps I need to just act on faith, throw him out, and not worry about having very little money.  I just need peace. 

I welcome all thoughts and comments.

JazzSinger

[JazzSinger]

My H stopped emotionally abusing me about 5 months ago, and my life got better. About two weeks after he stopped abusing me, all of the years of suppressed anger came out, and I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that going forward, he’d have to respect my boundaries.  I told him if I felt unsafe I’d contact the security team in our co-op, and that if he touched me, I’d call the police. I was furious, so I said many things he didn’t like, but all of it was true.  Since that argument , he’s been respectful and calm, until now. 

He picked a fight with me.  He was disputing the day I last saw my cousin alive.   This cousin was loved and revered by me and the rest of my family, so he was opening a wound, and he knew it.  I calmly stated the day I last saw my dear cousin alive, and I let it go. Big mistake.   

He escalated by changing the subject, telling me he’s still very upset that I’d yelled at him, almost 5 months ago.  Mind you, he can only recall TWO times I’ve  been extremely angry with him in 22 years of marriage. 

He threatened me, saying I should be careful, because HE CAN HIT ME (because of my “bad” behavior). 

He also threatened to divorce me, as he’s done many times before. 

Then, he just continued to argue, saying I was trying to “shut him down.”  This is what he usually says when I don’t take the bait, he really wants to fight, and  I have nothing more to add to whatever he’s hyped up about.

I had to put on my coat and leave the house, because there was nothing I could say to calm him down.  Meanwhile, I never raised my voice. My face was always neutral.    I just wanted peace. 

I returned after a short walk. It was unusual for me to leave the house alone, at night — I was a little uncomfortable. And it was freezing outside.  But I needed him to calm down.

When I returned, he was already in bed.  He asked if I got the mail.  So once again, he went right back to normal. 

But I am DONE.  Before, I’d be delighted that things went “back to normal.”  But now, I think he might be too crazy for me to live with him any longer.  I’m pushing 80 years old.  I can’t do this.  I’ve got to find the courage to throw him out, even though it will be very tough for me, financially.  I could lose everything. 

I figured out that he’s been very upset about a local election, and he’s terrified it will mean the downfall of our city.  He’s been talking about it, a lot, trying to draw me in.  I think he’s extremely anxious about it, and he’s taking it out on me.  He did the same thing in 2023, when a new high rise was being built nearby.  He almost lost his mind, and he took it out on me. He thought we’d lose all of our sunlight, we’d be overrun with new people in the neighborhood, etc.   He made my life a living nightmare, until the building was up, and all was well — It’s white exterior even brought more sunlight. With a lot of help from therapists from 2023 to now,  I’ve learned how to focus on me, and I’ve built a nice life for myself, outside of my home. I figured I could live out the rest of my years like this.  But now, even though there’s no name-calling, criticisms or putdowns, he’s impossible to live with, again. He’s too abusive.

This could be the last straw for me. I don’t think he’s going to stop.   I’m too old for this.  And I don’t love him.  He’s destroyed our relationship. He’s too disruptive.  Perhaps I need to just act on faith, throw him out, and not worry about having very little money.  I just need peace. 

I welcome all thoughts and comments.

JazzSinger