Dealing with estrangement

[AngelofItaly]

Hi
This is my first post. My 30 year old adult daughter with bpd has just gone no contact. I am devastated. She has gone from phoning me literally every day to this.
I think I am to blame for this last row - I was very clingy with my husband and had a row with him and my daughter came in the middle. But usually I don't think I do provoke these rows. In any case I am happy to put my hand up to anything I am doing wrong in the situation.
I miss her horribly but at the same time don't miss the volatility.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am terribly sorry to hear your news!  Short version, my daughter (referred to as pwBPD) cut ties with me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces 3 years ago....she texts when she needs something; I know it is the WORST feeling in the world; especially during the holidays (her birthday was the worst, the first year....I could not get out of bed, I was so sad) (I am tearing up typing it) I now see a therapist who specializes in parents of children/adult children with BPD & am learning how to accept feeling JOY (it seemed unnatural, as I am always sad about my daughter!) feel free to reach out, if you like!

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear your daughter has estranged herself.
I wanted to respond to your angst that you may have caused this.

We are not perfect parents. It's impossible to be. I know moms want to blame ourselves or think, if I just said the right word or didn't say that, or answered that call or didn't text that, the blow-up would not have happened.

For a long time, I've thought that and tried to plan out every conversation. Replay every phone call. And generally blamed myself for the things they said.

That's a normal mom reaction, but it's probably inaccurate. We love our kids, and we do the best we can. Their reactions tend to be disproportionate to what's happened, and we can't control that. If we acted poorly, we apologize. In most circumstances, a repair would happen, and we move on. But not with our loved ones. They hold onto grudges and react with big emotions.

A mantra I'm trying to follow - A poor reaction doesn't mean what I did or said was wrong. It means they became dysregulated, and instead of owning that, they point blame at their main person, which is usually mom.

Moms already take the brunt of this - and sometimes we do make mistakes, but we also take on blame that is not ours. Hang in there.

[js friend]

Hi AngelofItaly,

Iam currently also estranged from my udd. We have had episodes of LC and NC over many years and udd would then return and  act as if it never happened so nothing could ever be resolved. Like So Confused has said I also replayed every little detail over and over in mind driving myself crazy until I couldnt sleep or focus even on everyday tasks.

Eventually I saw a pattern and realised that my udd often used LC/NC as a form of punishment, manipulation or when she felt some form of discomfort or emotional shame and that she would make contact again when she felt that the time was right for her to make contact again which was usually because she needed something from me like babysitting. Often my calls were blocked or went to VoiceMail during LC or NC.

Taking all the blame doesnt help. All it does is breakdown your character and give you anxiety so please take this time and space to look after your after your own mental health.
 

[BPDstinks]

Thank you, both!  The holidays make me especially emotional and I am tearing up, a bit reading this!  I am happy, in regards to my other daughter, who is so kind, my best friend, who shares her family with me (there is alot to be said for that) and my beautiful granddaughters; I make myself active and am involved with many animal shelters and church; you all hang in there, also