Dealing with estrangement

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi
This is my first post. My 30 year old adult daughter with bpd has just gone no contact. I am devastated. She has gone from phoning me literally every day to this.
I think I am to blame for this last row - I was very clingy with my husband and had a row with him and my daughter came in the middle. But usually I don't think I do provoke these rows. In any case I am happy to put my hand up to anything I am doing wrong in the situation.
I miss her horribly but at the same time don't miss the volatility.

[AngelofItaly]

Hi
This is my first post. My 30 year old adult daughter with bpd has just gone no contact. I am devastated. She has gone from phoning me literally every day to this.
I think I am to blame for this last row - I was very clingy with my husband and had a row with him and my daughter came in the middle. But usually I don't think I do provoke these rows. In any case I am happy to put my hand up to anything I am doing wrong in the situation.
I miss her horribly but at the same time don't miss the volatility.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am terribly sorry to hear your news!  Short version, my daughter (referred to as pwBPD) cut ties with me, her father, her sister & her beautiful nieces 3 years ago....she texts when she needs something; I know it is the WORST feeling in the world; especially during the holidays (her birthday was the worst, the first year....I could not get out of bed, I was so sad) (I am tearing up typing it) I now see a therapist who specializes in parents of children/adult children with BPD & am learning how to accept feeling JOY (it seemed unnatural, as I am always sad about my daughter!) feel free to reach out, if you like!

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear your daughter has estranged herself.
I wanted to respond to your angst that you may have caused this.

We are not perfect parents. It's impossible to be. I know moms want to blame ourselves or think, if I just said the right word or didn't say that, or answered that call or didn't text that, the blow-up would not have happened.

For a long time, I've thought that and tried to plan out every conversation. Replay every phone call. And generally blamed myself for the things they said.

That's a normal mom reaction, but it's probably inaccurate. We love our kids, and we do the best we can. Their reactions tend to be disproportionate to what's happened, and we can't control that. If we acted poorly, we apologize. In most circumstances, a repair would happen, and we move on. But not with our loved ones. They hold onto grudges and react with big emotions.

A mantra I'm trying to follow - A poor reaction doesn't mean what I did or said was wrong. It means they became dysregulated, and instead of owning that, they point blame at their main person, which is usually mom.

Moms already take the brunt of this - and sometimes we do make mistakes, but we also take on blame that is not ours. Hang in there.

[js friend]

Hi AngelofItaly,

Iam currently also estranged from my udd. We have had episodes of LC and NC over many years and udd would then return and  act as if it never happened so nothing could ever be resolved. Like So Confused has said I also replayed every little detail over and over in mind driving myself crazy until I couldnt sleep or focus even on everyday tasks.

Eventually I saw a pattern and realised that my udd often used LC/NC as a form of punishment, manipulation or when she felt some form of discomfort or emotional shame and that she would make contact again when she felt that the time was right for her to make contact again which was usually because she needed something from me like babysitting. Often my calls were blocked or went to VoiceMail during LC or NC.

Taking all the blame doesnt help. All it does is breakdown your character and give you anxiety so please take this time and space to look after your after your own mental health.
 

[BPDstinks]

Thank you, both!  The holidays make me especially emotional and I am tearing up, a bit reading this!  I am happy, in regards to my other daughter, who is so kind, my best friend, who shares her family with me (there is alot to be said for that) and my beautiful granddaughters; I make myself active and am involved with many animal shelters and church; you all hang in there, also

[Heretoheal]

I am also dealing with my udd going no contact and I can agree, it’s devastating. She just stopped responding to texts and phone calls. No reason given. For months it was just me but now my husband as well. Again no reason, just unanswered texts…I just had a great visit with our other child this past weekend. I feel blessed that I have that relationship. But today tears again. I’m trying to stay active too. Work is a godsend lately. A great distraction. We’ve started working with a therapist. It hasn’t helped too much.

[CC43]

Hi,

You might have seen from other recent posts that my adult BPD stepdaughter has been through several cycles of estrangement involving her entire family.  Right now she's not talking to anyone.  She hasn't communicated with her mother or her younger sibling for years now.  I think she will text her older sibling sometimes, but only after years of hostility and NC.

For the last year up until recently, my husband had regular contact with his BPD daughter, but communications typically revolved around her asking something from us, such as housing, money, co-signing, technical or logistical support.  Our relationship with her has often felt transactional.  Having said that, when my BPD stepdaughter experiences periods of transition, such as waiting for a new lease/semester/job to start, or taking a summer vacation, she seems relaxed, with very few responsibilities and lots of lounging and down time.  During those "transition" periods, she seems relatively happy and can actually be nice.  But I've noticed that the second she has some responsibilities--classes start, she works a day or two at a part-time job, she has a job interview--she quickly becomes moody and grumpy.  She seems overwhelmed by adult life, even though her schedule isn't demanding by normal standards.  Within a few days of experiencing "real" life and "real" adult demands, she will often pull away.  I wish it were because she's too busy, but it doesn't feel like that's the case.

At the current moment, my BPD stepdaughter is not in contact with her dad or me.  This seems especially hurtful because in recent weeks her dad (i) spent an entire day helping her move into a new apartment, with him doing most of the heavy lifting (including hooking up a trailer), (ii) helped pay for her new lease, and (iii) took on the task of selling her car, including fixing it up first to maximize the sale price, and giving her all the proceeds.  I played a supporting role but still pitched in, for example by providing transportation when the car was fixed and sold.  Did she thank him or me for all this help?  Of course not.  Could she have achieved all this on her own?  Probably not.  And now our reward seems to be, total silence.  It's hard not to feel utterly used.  It's also sad to see how she over-uses ghosting as a coping tactic, resulting in alienating her from family and former friends.  I understand that she wants space sometimes, and that she feels overwhelmed a lot, and that she probably doesn't like to reveal information about her status, out of shame or the fear of harsh judgment.  But her reactions seem both disproportionate and rude to me.  Her absence and silence seems like they're meant to be punishment.  Alas, she seems simultaneously entitled, demanding, petulant AND ungrateful, which is not very attractive.  I can't help but wonder if that's why she completely fell apart when she started college, because she had learned it's OK to treat people this way (since her family tolerated it for so long), and then she was suprised and devastated when roommates/friends/romantic interests wouldn't tolerate her petulance?  By the same token, it's sometimes a relief to be temporarily free of her drama and negative aura.  On the other hand, we can't help but be worried, because her thinking seems semi-delusional, and we imagine that she's avoiding us because she's not faring well.  Such conflicting feelings!  I try to tell myself, no news is good news, and she needs space to figure out how to go her own way.  Maybe, if she's not in contact for a few months, she will have proven to herself and the world that she can be more independent.  Her silence means she's asserting her independence, which is a good thing, right?  I truly hope so.  We'll see.  But I'm not getting my hopes up for the holidays.  My guess is that she'll stay away.  That means less drama, but I know it's hurting my husband terribly.

That's my take on the underpinnings, pros and cons of no contact, the parents' perspective.

[js friend]

Also another thing to add which I finally worked out that made me realise that I was not always to blame for udd going MIA that she was hiding things like pregnancy, not attending college, dv between her and b/f, facing assault charges against b/f's current girlfriend, criminal activity...all which are related to the feelings of incredible shame I think she felt.

I often thought that she thought that I could see through her or was some kind of super sleuth and that I somehow knew about these events as soon as they occured. Almost as if I was with her at the times these things occured and from the moment it happened  it was like she felt that she needed to stay away. Other times she said that I was just soooo annoying to her that she just couldnt be around me. She hated the way I ate my food (too loudly) The way I breathed (again too loudly) I was Too friendly( ) Too busy, Too happy etc etc.

Often times you just cant win and its seriously not you!

[CC43]

Also another thing to add which I finally worked out that made me realise that I was not always to blame for udd going MIA that she was hiding things like pregnancy, not attending college, dv between her and b/f, facing assault charges against b/f's current girlfriend, criminal activity...all which are related to the feelings of incredible shame I think she felt.

I often thought that she thought that I could see through her or was some kind of super sleuth and that I somehow knew about these events as soon as they occured. Almost as if I was with her at the times these things occured and from the moment it happened  it was like she felt that she needed to stay away. Other times she said that I was just soooo annoying to her that she just couldnt be around me.

Indeed, I figured out much the same over time, as facts emerged which didn't line up with the pwBPD's narrative, which invariably involved hating/blaming other people.

For the pwBPD in my life, no contact was usually associated with something else going on in her life that she was ashamed of, such as getting kicked out of her rooming situation, failing, dropping out of college, quitting/getting fired, burning through spending money given to her, use of illicit substances, etc.  I think she couldn't bring herself to tell her dad what was really going on.  For her, avoidance seems easier than deceit, because any conversation would probably start with, How are you? and the truth was, Terrible.  She'd maintain no contact until she ran out of money, housing or both, and then she'd have to fess up, because she needed someone to drop what they're doing, pick her up and move her back into our home.   That was the best outcome.  Unfortunately, her shame was so intense that for years, she decided that attempting suicide was her only way out.  But deep down I think she couldn't really commit suicide; rather, it was a desperate cry for help.  Her negative thinking patterns prevented her from working out viable solutions, like finding a tutor, re-taking a class she failed/dropped, finding a new roommate, finding a new job, transferring to an easier college, etc.  Her dysregulated emotions overwhelmed her.  In her mind, every disappointment and obstacle felt like the end of the world.  She didn't have maturity or perspective, let alone the inner resources to handle challenges one day at a time.  Her response?  Flight (aka avoidance, no contact) or sometimes Fight (lashing out at parents for past transgressions to deflect attention from what's really going on, and to unleash her rage about how she hates her life).