Sudden discard for someone else

[Donna£7]

I met my now ex partner who had undiagnosed bpd about 5 months ago. We hit it off instantly and felt that there was an immediate chemistry. He was kind, sweet, considerate but there was also a side to him that was incredibly sensitive and emotionally labile. There were instances early on in the relationship where I  would challenge something he’d said or how he had treated me. On 2 very specific situations when I had done this quite early on in the relationship he threatened to leave me and said he was done. I remember being very surprised and taken aback because it was over very little things but he would feel as though I was attacking his integrity and what he stood for as a person. I practically begged each time for him to take me back when he would do this. He would make it really hard because he would block me, ghost me etc so I would have to find ways around it to get him to communicate. I felt like I was fighting with a purpose because what we had was so special.

He moved in with me after only 2 months of dating and it was pure bliss. However he had a drinking problem that I did not know about. He was drinking everyday and saying that it was just something he needed to do to relax in the evenings after work.  I didn’t like it and asked him to stop or at least reduce it which he tried to do but this led to him increasing his drinking unbeknown to me.

There were separate challenges around the fact that we blended our families together, my partner with his son and I have 2 children. One of my children is Autistic and had an incredibly difficult time adjusting to the different dynamics in the home. Lashing out, harming herself, throwing things she was incredibly dysregulated.

He was very supportive around this at the beginning but then towards the end it started to affect him.

We would have disagreements about how she should be parented, he felt I should have been giving her harsh consequences for her behaviours whereas I wanted to comfort her and regulate her as I knew she was struggling with the changes at home. He couldn’t see the nuance of the situation and felt it should only be handled one way. This caused tension to grow in the relationship however I always felt emotionally safe and didn’t think he would ever leave me.

Then 6 weeks ago out of the blue he left me and went to another area of the country to go and be with an old friend. He claimed he’d had a mental health breakdown and needed a safe haven with his friend. I assumed his friend was a male and thought nothing of it. He then started telling me that he was done with me and was never coming back. He stopped communicating and then all I would get is the odd text here and there. Meanwhile I was in despair and worried sick about him. I then got word that he had gone to get himself sectioned as he had self-harmed. He was later arrested and then released. When he was released from police custody I was told he was released to his partners address. My heart sank, I was confused. I was his partner. I then found out that the friend he had been staying with was female. He assured me that nothing was going on and that it was planktonic and she was just an old friend from his youth. He quickly got attached to a mental health team and he was allowing me access to his records to see how he was doing and progressing with home visits etc. The mental health team told me that he was extremely agoraphobic and anxious. They told me that he wanted to come home to me but didn’t know how and he was struggling to leave the house.

I supported him by sending him frequent texts whilst also respecting his need for space. When he could text me he was telling me he loved me, he missed me and wanted to come home. He told me to wait for him and that I should not give up on him. Foolishly I believed him. I then found out that he had been cheating on me with the friend. Sadly he denied it and took no accountability for his actions. He led me on with the hope that he still wanted to be with me and come home. When all the while he was carrying on with this women. They have just recently gone official with their relationship on social media and it broke my heart, I just can’t believe it. He was so kind and loving and great with me and my kids. He was generous and extremely hard working. I don’t know who this person is, I have tried to reach out to reconnect and I told him I loved him. He hasn’t responded to any of my texts. It’s proving really hard to move on. It’s just so painful.

Please can you give me any advice on how to navigate this?

[Pook075]

Please can you give me any advice on how to navigate this?

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you've been through this and so many others here have the identical story (myself included).  I was married for 23 years and my BPD wife suddenly asked for space.  Months later, she's dating her employer and I was just as wrecked as you are.

A few nuggets of advice.

1.  This is not your fault and you did nothing wrong.  This is mental illness and fears of abandonment.

2.  This is not 100% his fault either since he's run from problems to "the next shiny thing" his entire life.  It's part of his sickness and it devastates every relationship he's ever had (including family, friends, etc).

3.  None of this makes sense, and unfortunately it never will.  That's because he's mentally ill and makes very bad decisions when he's in a disordered mind set.  To understand it, you'd have to see this though a mentally ill lens.

4.  The path forward is to focus on yourself and your kids.  You must heal and be mentally strong, which will take time.  The hardest part is getting past trying to understand his motives....which you can't understand.  He's mentally ill and made very bad choices; you will accept that answer sooner or later (sooner is better).

Can you tell us a little more of what you need right now?  Ask tough questions if necessary.

[Donna£7]

First of all thank you for your kind, caring and compassionate response. It is very much appreciated especially at a time while I am still processing.

I think what has helped me in part is understanding that this is a mental illness as you have quite rightly stated. It is helpful to be reminded of that as even with that knowledge we can quite often drift into the mindset of “was it something that I did?” type of thinking.

The person that he is right now is unrecognisable. I feel bereft as I want to help him but he has chosen to be with someone else and cut me out.

You are right I need to focus on myself and my children. I am starting to do better at that instead of ruminating about him all the time.

I think what I need is healing and support from others in this space. I’ve read that a discard  is not the same as a typical breakup. This is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and has been like a very bad dream.

I also need support around not wanting to rescue or wait for him to get better, and  ‘charm me’. I am grieving the loss of the person he was not the person he is.

I am also aware that people with bpd have ‘emotional permanence’ this out of sight, out of mind’ concept. So whilst I know he very much loved me and what we had was real, he is not grieving the loss of the relationship as he has already moved on to the next thing. He is in a new relationship. Whereas I am still pining away for him. I keep thinking maybe if I stay in his peripheral vision so to speak he won’t forget about me. But my logical brain is also telling me to move on and forget about him.

There is also the issue that all of his and his sons things are still at my home. I have sent a very boundaried, non emotional message telling him the date that he needs to return to collect these items but he has not read them yet.

Any advice and support regarding the things I have mentioned would be greatly appreciated.

[Pook075]

I think what has helped me in part is understanding that this is a mental illness as you have quite rightly stated. It is helpful to be reminded of that as even with that knowledge we can quite often drift into the mindset of “was it something that I did?” type of thinking.

I think what I need is healing and support from others in this space. I’ve read that a discard  is not the same as a typical breakup. This is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and has been like a very bad dream.

A discard is way different because people don't break up like that (unless there's extreme abuse, sudden cheating, etc).  It was the hardest thing to get through in my life as well and most would say the same thing here.  Again, the problem comes back to trying to figure out what you did wrong, how you could fix this, etc.  The longer you do that though, the worse you'll function because there's no clear answer other than, "He's mentally ill and made really bad choices."

Eventually you'll be mad at him.  Then you'll realize you're better off without him.  And eventually, months after that, you'll discover that he's sick and stuck in a lifetime of destructive patterns.  I'm giving you the end-part up front...even though you can't process it yet...so it stays close to mind.  He didn't do this to hurt you, he did it because he's mentally ill.

Let's play the "what if" game though.  What if you didn't do all the things that led to the break-up?  Would the relationship be perfect and happy ever after?  Absolutely not, because what really happened is inside his mind.  If what happened didn't happen, something else would have came up the next day, the next week, the next month, etc. and you'd end up in the same place you are now.

I'm sure you've made mistake like every other person on the planet, but you did nothing to deserve this and the "what ifs" are the worst thing you can do to yourself.  We all did it and we were all depressed until we realized that we had to let it go.

I also need support around not wanting to rescue or wait for him to get better, and  ‘charm me’. I am grieving the loss of the person he was not the person he is.

Getting better starts with realizing there's a problem.  Then it requires getting into therapy, finding the right balance of meds (it's different for everyone), and actively working towards being a better person with a deeper understanding of yourself and how others perceive you.  In other words, it's a process and BPDs are generally terrified of admitting there's a problem, so most never actively seek help (except in emergencies).

In short, you can't rescue him.  Nobody can, not even the best psychiatrists in the country.  The only person who can rescue him is him...he has to choose it and really work towards change.  It takes years.

There is also the issue that all of his and his sons things are still at my home. I have sent a very boundaried, non emotional message telling him the date that he needs to return to collect these items but he has not read them yet.

This part is easy.  Pack it up and put it to the side.  If there's not enough room or you're sick of looking at it, send it to Goodwill or one of his family members.  You did the responsible thing and extended grace.  He's not taking it.  So get rid of the stuff.

[Donna£7]

Once again thank you for your apex advice. I am really thankful to have a space to share this with people who have lived experience of this.

Am I crazy for wanting to take him back if he ever did try and ‘charm’ me back up? My better judgment would have to avoid it like the plague but there’s a part of me (probably because it’s still quite raw) that romanticises about the idea. Please be the voice of reason. I need to hear it. 

[Me88]

Once again thank you for your apex advice. I am really thankful to have a space to share this with people who have lived experience of this.

Am I crazy for wanting to take him back if he ever did try and ‘charm’ me back up? My better judgment would have to avoid it like the plague but there’s a part of me (probably because it’s still quite raw) that romanticises about the idea. Please be the voice of reason. I need to hear it. 

no, you're not crazy. It's called a trauma bond. It's created over a long period of time that starts with love bombing. You are perfect and they treat you perfect. And little by little the BPD comes out and they rage, then they return back to that amazing person. So you learn to deal with it because you know if you can weather the storm the 'good' person will come back. Then all of your focus goes into taking care of them and trying not to trigger them, so you walk on eggshells. Trust me, I went through hell, and even though I was the one who discarded her (police involvement and physical abuse from her) I thought about that all the time. Heck even some moronic, idiot, stupid part of my brain is like 'what if she was just as hurt? and she hasn't dated anyone? went to therapy and knows what she needs to do....'   NO. They become a part of your actual nervous system and it feels like you're dying when it's over. Just post here, I have posted here too many times probably. But it helps. You can't talk to everyone because they haven't experienced it.

[Pook075]

Once again thank you for your apex advice. I am really thankful to have a space to share this with people who have lived experience of this.

Am I crazy for wanting to take him back if he ever did try and ‘charm’ me back up? My better judgment would have to avoid it like the plague but there’s a part of me (probably because it’s still quite raw) that romanticises about the idea. Please be the voice of reason. I need to hear it. 

BPDs are constantly seeking happiness, and they find it for shot bursts of time.  They do what's called "love bombing", which means they see everything as PERFECT...your clothes, you hobbies, your tastes in food and music...they're absolutely PERFECT in every way.

As the relationship grows though, they start to realize....hey, this person isn't perfect at all!  And instead of realizing that they were thinking in a disordered way when they met you, their brains assume that you've changed and you're just not that great of a person after all.  So they flee at the first sign of something better, and that new thing is absolutely PERFECT...until it's not anymore.

He's met this new girl, or old friend, whatever.  And the relationship is going strong for now because of how his mind works.  He sees Cinderella and the castle and the whole fairy tale unfolding right in front of him.  But it's a lie, it's always a lie because none of us can live up to that standard.  So the new relationship will fail as well.

What happens next?  One of two things.  He finds someone new, or he repeats old patterns.  And if he reaches out, he will apologize profusely because everything about you is so PERFECT for his life and makes him feel whole.

Can you see the problem here though?  It's a very predictable pattern where the relationship starts with disordered thinking and ends with it as well.

The other issue is that once you've been through the whole cycle once already, things happen ever faster.  You're the best ever, you've changed, you hate me and I don't know why!  The next rounds are sometimes months instead of years and the behavior is even more erratic.

Now, you can somewhat change those patterns by being ultra patient, showing ample affection and affirmation, etc.  These relationships do sometimes work long-term, but the percentages are very, very low.  And even when they do succeed, there's a price to pay in order to keep the peace.

I can't tell you to give him another shot or not.  But I will say that if you do, the odds are stacked against success without him getting into therapy a taking his mental health seriously.  The same patterns will repeat and it has almost nothing to do with you as a person or a partner.

Again, the final answer you'll discover someday is that he's sick and he can't help this.  It's not your fault and it's not his.  Your job right now is to heal and love your kids...that's all you can do.

[Donna£7]

Can you give me any advice on how you navigate missing his 16 year old son?

As I said we blended our family’s and we became such a tight unit and I grew very fond of his son. When his father left to go to this friend that he is now in a relationship with, he left his son with me. He was telling me he was coming home as I’ve said and just needed to get well. Once I found out about the affair which he continued to deny- I told him that he needs to come and get his son. When his son had to go I was devastated and inconsolable. I broke down, I felt like the rug was being pulled from under me. Our beautiful blended family was no more.

I miss his son so much and he told me he didn’t want to go but he knew that he had to. We said that we would keep in touch which we have to a degree. However it is incredibly awkward for him as he is now living with his dad and this woman with her kids in her house. I want to support him and reach out more but I have held back as I know that I have to maintain a healthy boundary now that me and his dad aren’t together anymore.

Also I found out that this new relationship has had some issues regarding her children seeing things and the friends ex partner has expressed concerns about the relationship as his children have reached out to him about things they have seen that are concerning that may pertain to self harm. I feel that a relationship that has started so quickly with someone in acute mental health crisis, who is drinking and agoraphobic and has undiagnosed BPD is not a recipe for a sustainable healthy relationship.

I feel like he has chosen to be with her because coming back to me would require work, accountability, taking action to address MH and alcoholism. It would require him to confront the shame and the guilt around his actions. Instead it is like he has just decided on the easier option. What do people think about that?

Also does anyone think that he will reach out? It’s like I’m invisible. It really is a bitter pill to swallow. I know it’s an illness but I don’t see how you can just stop loving someone, just like that.

He has been really horrible to his family as well and blocked some of them. He really is playing the victim and trying to restore his reputation. He doesn’t want to be seen as this guy who has ran off from his partner and children due to a breakdown and had an affair. Why not have just been honest about it? But he was caught out because I discovered that he had been cheating. Now rather then telling  me the truth he continued to lie about it and to his son, and siblings. Why did he do this? Now it seems he’s just doubled down. I tried to tell him that I don’t care about what’s happened and would be willing to try again. I know I should know better.

[Me88]

Can you give me any advice on how you navigate missing his 16 year old son?

As I said we blended our family’s and we became such a tight unit and I grew very fond of his son. When his father left to go to this friend that he is now in a relationship with, he left his son with me. He was telling me he was coming home as I’ve said and just needed to get well. Once I found out about the affair which he continued to deny- I told him that he needs to come and get his son. When his son had to go I was devastated and inconsolable. I broke down, I felt like the rug was being pulled from under me. Our beautiful blended family was no more.

I miss his son so much and he told me he didn’t want to go but he knew that he had to. We said that we would keep in touch which we have to a degree. However it is incredibly awkward for him as he is now living with his dad and this woman with her kids in her house. I want to support him and reach out more but I have held back as I know that I have to maintain a healthy boundary now that me and his dad aren’t together anymore.

Also I found out that this new relationship has had some issues regarding her children seeing things and the friends ex partner has expressed concerns about the relationship as his children have reached out to him about things they have seen that are concerning that may pertain to self harm. I feel that a relationship that has started so quickly with someone in acute mental health crisis, who is drinking and agoraphobic and has undiagnosed BPD is not a recipe for a sustainable healthy relationship.

I feel like he has chosen to be with her because coming back to me would require work, accountability, taking action to address MH and alcoholism. It would require him to confront the shame and the guilt around his actions. Instead it is like he has just decided on the easier option. What do people think about that?

Also does anyone think that he will reach out? It’s like I’m invisible. It really is a bitter pill to swallow. I know it’s an illness but I don’t see how you can just stop loving someone, just like that.

He has been really horrible to his family as well and blocked some of them. He really is playing the victim and trying to restore his reputation. He doesn’t want to be seen as this guy who has ran off from his partner and children due to a breakdown and had an affair. Why not have just been honest about it? But he was caught out because I discovered that he had been cheating. Now rather then telling  me the truth he continued to lie about it and to his son, and siblings. Why did he do this? Now it seems he’s just doubled down. I tried to tell him that I don’t care about what’s happened and would be willing to try again. I know I should know better.

I highlighted some things. Yes, he chose the easy way out. These people have zero shame or accountability. They don't think they are the problem, IT IS YOUR FAULT...so of course he's going to go to someone new who hasn't experienced all of his BPD. The initial mask they wear is beautiful and that's how they hook you. He might reach out if he's bored or his new partner upsets him, but you DON'T want that, I promise, do not get h00vered. Block him even though it will hurt as bad as anything you've felt.

They are a perpetual victim, he is probably running a smear campaign now about how awful you were. They lie all the time, even about the most basic of things. They will say one thing, you remember it and bring it up and they'll gaslight you. They all have the same playbook. They cannot be at fault, too much shame and guilt so they run. If you read the thousands of posts here, it's very eerie how we can all tell a story that has been told over and over word for word.