Wild Journey!

[copters]

Well, I’m here. I’ve been reading threads for a while and I think I’m ready to share my story, though it’s hard to know where to begin when this has been my whole life.

For the last six months I’ve been talking things through with ChatGPT, which has helped me organise my thoughts, but I feel like I need the next step — somewhere safe, with people who understand.

My “big bang” moment came a few years ago when I went to my mum’s GP behind her back with her husband. We initially wondered if it was bipolar, but the doctor suggested BPD. When I went home and started researching, my world shook. It was like reading my own life story — everything suddenly made sense.

I’m 40 now, yet I feel just as helpless as I did at 7, when I first knew something wasn’t quite right with my mum, who was my single parent. Shortly after that realisation, she had a nervous breakdown and I was sent to live with my aunt and cousins for around 4–6 weeks. It felt like forever. I was told my alcoholic father was to blame, and I believed that for years. Only recently, my (possibly BPD) grandmother told me my mum had always had issues, even as a young girl — though I’m not sure how much I trust her version of events. She’s always reinforced this emotionally distant family dynamic — not a “hugger”, phone off the hook when watching tennis, that sort of thing.

I don’t want this to turn into my full life story. I’m just exhausted from feeling worthless, like a letdown, like I’m always on the edge of cracking. It’s now affecting my own small family. I find myself hiding away and being emotionally distant from my 8‑year‑old son and my wife — and that scares me.

I’ve tried setting boundaries. I’ve written three letters over the years, and my mum will be getting a fourth soon. On Christmas Day, with just 20 minutes left before we were due to leave, she lashed out out of nowhere — telling me I was nasty, that I didn’t care, and that I was “just like my dad” (who hasn’t been mentioned for years). All of this was said in front of my son, who I’m desperately trying to protect from this long trail of pain.

I’ll share more in time, but for now I’m just looking for a safe place — with people who understand — where I’m not simply the nasty, selfish, horrible son my mother has projected onto me and my family.

Can anyone relate to this?

Thank you for reading.

(tidied up with chat GPT but all me)

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can only imagine how hard it's been.  My mom was never diagnosed, but she was the angriest and the most loving person I've ever known.  So I can relate...I also have a BPD daughter and a BPD ex wife.

To start things off, just know that your mom doesn't have to define you and you don't have to have a relationship with her if it's one-sided.  You are responsible for you and it's okay not to be pulled into your mom's drama.  She's sick and she's sometimes out of control, so know that it's not a "you-thing" at all for her.  She's ugly at times because she's mentally ill.

Please feel free to ask questions, share stories, or whatever you need to process this.  We're here to support you regardless.

[Notwendy]

I think you have found a safe place and people here can relate. My mother had BPD and also wasn't affectionate. I also felt a low self worth. When a child grows up with dysfunction- it's the only "normal" we know but then when we are parents- we realize that our own experience wasn't- and we want better for our own children.

When our own behaviors are how we adapted growing up- we can work on learning new ones. For me, counseling helped me to do that. It may not make sense- if your mother is the one with the disorder- why counseling for you? To help us to change what we learned. You are not what your mother has said about you and counseling can help to "undo" that message.

To your son, you are a superhero and to you, he's the most precious thing on earth. He didn't have to "earn" this, neither did you- each person has self worth. What your mother says to you is a projection of her own disordered thinking- a reflection of her own mind, but it's not true. She didn't have the capacity to parent in a different way but you do- and you can do this.