Struggle of knowing if it really was BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife called for divorce, after a few weeks of conflict and trying to work through some long term challenges and trauma related to our marriage. We loved each other very much, and had been married almost 12 years. But there were always some hard to explain challenges, and eventually she was diagnosed with autism.

I kind of cracked eventually under the pressure, and had to let her know how hard things had been for me. And this seemed to trigger fear of abandonment, and everything escalated and spiraled into a mess. She needed time apart, told our counselor I "yelled" at her and "threatened" her, and interpreted some things I did and said in the worst possible light. I have regrets, but don't' think I did anything that was normally divorce-worthy.

She cut off all communication after calling for divorce (which was over Zoom... I hadn't seen her for almost a month in person), and I have no way to know what exactly is going on with her, or how to get any kind of closure.

It feels like BPD patterns make the most sense of the situation and things that were happening for years. I've read the standard literature, listened to podcasts, talked to others who have been through these things, etc. Mostly feels like the quiet or discouraged subtype, but with some emotional meltdowns and explosions. But so much of the marriage was good and beautiful, and we built a life together that I was proud of, and were anchored in faith and had done a lot of counseling trying to find help.

It does seem like she "snapped" and usually I would be with her to help de-escalate things, but since she demanded time with me away, I think her mind went places that made things really hard to come back from, and she was not open to compromise, trusting me more, etc. She thought I was having an emotional affair and was pathologizing her when she learned I was thinking BPD might be involved (she had looked into it in the past).

Now the hard part is having no closure, and wondering if I really was as bad as she has said I am. Did I just make up how hard things were for years? Was it a character defect in me? Or was there something that for years was a bit more below the surface that was stressing me out and eventually caused me to crack under the pressure (I got super depressed and almost had to go into inpatient therapy). Now it seems like BPD makes sense, given her abnormal behavior during the separation and after calling for divorce (I could give more details, like how she told the court I was "harassing" her when I sent a few emails of love and apology trying to find closure, wouldn't respond to my request to even see our dog one last time, etc. She thought of me as unsafe, when in reality I am a very gentle person.

It's such a struggle; I'm a sensitive guy, and I go back and forth between clarity and feeling confident that her reactions were disproportionate and outside of my control, and then feeling like "wow, what did I do? Am I a terrible person?" And on top of that, I have lost friends and employment (I work in Christian ministry) because people don't understand or believe me or give grace for what I was going through. Encouragement and perspective appreciated!

[Magneto]

My wife called for divorce, after a few weeks of conflict and trying to work through some long term challenges and trauma related to our marriage. We loved each other very much, and had been married almost 12 years. But there were always some hard to explain challenges, and eventually she was diagnosed with autism.

I kind of cracked eventually under the pressure, and had to let her know how hard things had been for me. And this seemed to trigger fear of abandonment, and everything escalated and spiraled into a mess. She needed time apart, told our counselor I "yelled" at her and "threatened" her, and interpreted some things I did and said in the worst possible light. I have regrets, but don't' think I did anything that was normally divorce-worthy.

She cut off all communication after calling for divorce (which was over Zoom... I hadn't seen her for almost a month in person), and I have no way to know what exactly is going on with her, or how to get any kind of closure.

It feels like BPD patterns make the most sense of the situation and things that were happening for years. I've read the standard literature, listened to podcasts, talked to others who have been through these things, etc. Mostly feels like the quiet or discouraged subtype, but with some emotional meltdowns and explosions. But so much of the marriage was good and beautiful, and we built a life together that I was proud of, and were anchored in faith and had done a lot of counseling trying to find help.

It does seem like she "snapped" and usually I would be with her to help de-escalate things, but since she demanded time with me away, I think her mind went places that made things really hard to come back from, and she was not open to compromise, trusting me more, etc. She thought I was having an emotional affair and was pathologizing her when she learned I was thinking BPD might be involved (she had looked into it in the past).

Now the hard part is having no closure, and wondering if I really was as bad as she has said I am. Did I just make up how hard things were for years? Was it a character defect in me? Or was there something that for years was a bit more below the surface that was stressing me out and eventually caused me to crack under the pressure (I got super depressed and almost had to go into inpatient therapy). Now it seems like BPD makes sense, given her abnormal behavior during the separation and after calling for divorce (I could give more details, like how she told the court I was "harassing" her when I sent a few emails of love and apology trying to find closure, wouldn't respond to my request to even see our dog one last time, etc. She thought of me as unsafe, when in reality I am a very gentle person.

It's such a struggle; I'm a sensitive guy, and I go back and forth between clarity and feeling confident that her reactions were disproportionate and outside of my control, and then feeling like "wow, what did I do? Am I a terrible person?" And on top of that, I have lost friends and employment (I work in Christian ministry) because people don't understand or believe me or give grace for what I was going through. Encouragement and perspective appreciated!

[Beardbalm8]

Sounds a lot like the situation I am in. I am sorry for what you are going through. I am right there with you. I would love to tell you about the light on the other side, but being right in the middle too I cannot. I can tell you about the love and forgiveness of Christ (you know this). I am leaning heavily on that myself right now. Jeremiah 29:11. A friend of mine, who knows I love He-man told me "I have the power, not of Grayskull, but of the Lord" that has helped me a lot. I am going to get a tattoo of the He-man sword to remind me, I have the power to do what is best for me, and my family.

[Goodtimesbro]

It's going to be okay. Trust in Yahusha(Jesus) and practice thanking him everyday even if you are suffering. I am sorry it is painful. You will find peace.

It's also okay not to know if it's bpd; my therapist always asks me what I would do if I knew? Idk really I already know ive been emotionally abused in my current relationship do I need more proof? Do you?

All I know is your wife saying she feels unsafe is all too familiar the "push pull " of you're the best but also you're the worst characteristic of bpd. Sorry for rambling

[PeteWitsend]

...

Now the hard part is having no closure, and wondering if I really was as bad as she has said I am. Did I just make up how hard things were for years? Was it a character defect in me? Or was there something that for years was a bit more below the surface that was stressing me out and eventually caused me to crack under the pressure (I got super depressed and almost had to go into inpatient therapy). Now it seems like BPD makes sense, given her abnormal behavior during the separation and after calling for divorce (I could give more details, like how she told the court I was "harassing" her when I sent a few emails of love and apology trying to find closure, wouldn't respond to my request to even see our dog one last time, etc. She thought of me as unsafe, when in reality I am a very gentle person.

It's such a struggle; I'm a sensitive guy, and I go back and forth between clarity and feeling confident that her reactions were disproportionate and outside of my control, and then feeling like "wow, what did I do? Am I a terrible person?" And on top of that, I have lost friends and employment (I work in Christian ministry) because people don't understand or believe me or give grace for what I was going through. Encouragement and perspective appreciated!

Look up the behavioral concept of "projection" and understand that it's typical of pwBPD (or other personality disorders) to project their own faults and flaws on to others in their life.  It's a very powerful defense mechanism; even if their accusations are obviously false, projection allows them to go from feeling a sense of shame and guilt over their own flaws and mistakes to a sense of righteous anger and resentment after they accuse you of doing the same thing (and in projecting their mistakes and flaws to you, they DO convince themselves of the truth of their accusations, which is why they can have the extreme emotional reactions that go along with it).  They basically believe their own lies. 

I'd see this often when my then-wife (now ex-wife) would accuse me of having an affair, flirting with someone, etc. she'd go from whatever insecure emotional state was motivating her, to being angry and demanding of me... I imagine it was a real dopamine surge for her brain to do that.  There was never any truth to it, and her accusations were ridiculous  - once she even accused me of "meeting a woman" when I went to change our daughter's diaper at the zoo!  She thought I took too long, and to her disordered mind, that could only mean one thing.  Who knows why she would think like that?  Of course she was very insecure, but was she sitting there flirting?  Did she look at another guy and feel guilty?  Who knows.  And honestly it doesn't matter.  What matters is how they act and how they treat you.  If they treat you unfairly, that's what the problem is, and the motivation for it - BPD, or not - is immaterial. 

You should also consider getting professional help to understand which way is up.  Recovering from a relationship like this is challenging enough as it is, but even more so when you're convinced there is some truth in what the disordered partner is alleging. 

And I don't mean this next part as a knock on any religion, but I've read many accounts here of people turning to their church for help with an abusive partner, and coming away worse off.  I think there's been a lot of insight gained in psychology/psychiatry to the nature of BPD and other behavioral disorders in the last couple decades; but within religious ministry there's a focus on keeping couples together, and that doesn't serve the non-disordered/non-abusive partner well.  Nor does it serve the children of these relationships well, who grow up suffering in these unhappy homes and often being damaged by the situation they grow up in.  There's a reason for the saying "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one!"  I don't think it serves Churches well either to take the short-sighted approach they do; they lose adherents when they work to enable these relationships to continue. 

Stay true to yourself though: that's what matters.  Your relationship with your religion, your beliefs, and your faith is something personal that should sustain you through this, regardless of how others perceive the situation and act. 

[Goodtimesbro]

Pete very well said. What have you experienced? I agree help should be sought understanding the lonely place one can find themselves.

I agree too with the church groups dismissing or making the problems worse. That being said I found this christian article about abuse  very hope inducing.

https://christiancounseling.com/blog/uncategorized/is-emotional-abuse-grounds-for-biblical-separation/

There is a YouTube link within the article where a woman addresses biblical counselors to be aware of the struggles.

Im not divorced yet I plan on consulting a lawyer though to discuss my options. Hard self work and the clarity that comes with it makes me hate my ignoring of red flags. I missed an opportunity too to marry a peaceful woman that complimented my life.

[PeteWitsend]

Pete very well said. What have you experienced? I agree help should be sought understanding the lonely place one can find themselves.

I went through a lot.  I eventually did see a counselor for help understanding if I was part of the problem and what way was up.  I didn't want to walk away from a marriage - as unhappy as I was, and as isolating and dysfunctional as it was - without someone validating that for me.  This was my own problem though; I was not confident in my judgment, and didn't stand up for myself at critical times.  I viewed standing up & being assertive as aggressive, and felt it was not proper or acceptable to do that, but I now see that you can and must stand up for yourself, without worrying about how people perceive it.  And you don't have to do it aggressively, and angrily.  You can point things out and remain calm.  If the other person escalates, well, then you evaluate you options and choose how to respond.

Of course manipulative people will portray all your actions in a bad light, (and their actions as impeccable and justified), which is why you have to be prepared to walk away. 

I recently saw some comments from a mathematician who was debating someone else, and pointed out how unprofessional and flawed their reasoning was, and then said "If I had a person in real life try to discuss something with me like this, I would just stop talking to them."

Unfortunately, it's that way with BPDers... there's no basic trust, and therefore no real communication with them.  Everything is seen and felt through their distorted world view, and warped by their own selfish interests.  There are really only two possible outcomes with them: 1) you accept their worldview as true and give in to all their demands, regardless of how you feel and think, or 2) you leave. 

With better boundaries and understanding, you can avoid these relationships in the first place, but alas, a lot of people don't have that, and don't gain it until they go through hell like this and have the sense to try to understand it and stand up for themselves.

I agree too with the church groups dismissing or making the problems worse. That being said I found this christian article about abuse  very hope inducing.

https://christiancounseling.com/blog/uncategorized/is-emotional-abuse-grounds-for-biblical-separation/

There is a YouTube link within the article where a woman addresses biblical counselors to be aware of the struggles.

...

This is good.  I hope to see more of this, along with a better understanding of these situations among religiously-based counselors. 

Like I said, I've read too many accounts here of people remaining in dysfunctional relationships because they view marriage as a sacred vow.  And in a sense it is, and should be.  But we enter into marriage with certain assumptions in place, namely that our spouse will treat us fairly and equally, and there will be mutual respect and trust.  When someone has a behavioral disorder though, this is not possible.

It's like buying a car because the seller tells you it's driveable.  Then you buy it and discover it doesn't have an engine.  They say "we have a contract, and you have to honor it.  and it is driveable, you just need to put an engine in first" and you say "Well... he's right.  I guess this is my obligation."  So it is in marriage to a BPDer.  You enter into it, and maybe you've seen some red flags, or maybe not, but they tell you all the problems that you encounter together are happening because of you, and if you just learn to treat them better, love them enough, or give them exactly what they want, things will improve.  And of course they don't.  Then they need more.  You're in a relationship with a bottomless pit, and nothing will ever be enough, because the problem is entirely in their head, and there's nothing you can do to fix it; it's up to them. 

[ForeverDad]

Most of us here, even us divorced ones, never learned of a BPD diagnosis.  And frankly, if/when you divorce, the lawyers and court will mostly "studiously ignore" the obvious mental health issues.  Both parties are adults and so court deals with the litigants as adults, in a perfunctory and businesslike way.  Hence, you would be wise to do the same... deal with the facts and documentation.

My lawyer never responded to my belief that my ex might be exhibiting Borderline patterns of behavior.  On the other hand, when he was frustrated with my ex's antics - to phrase them nicely - her called her crazy and worse.  To a certain extent, he was right, it's not productive to pigeonhole someone with a label.  Let the lawyers to what you hired them to do, leave the mental health concerns with your counselor.

That you question, "Was I really doing what she claims?" shows that you're a reasonably normal person.  Most people with BPD traits (pwBPD) can't be consistently introspective and honest with themselves or others.

If the marriage really has failed, accept that when dealing with such mental health issues, you can't expect her to give you closure.  It is often remarked here that Closure is something you'll have to Gift Yourself.

When facing the daunting prospect of what to do, these analogies might be helpful to illustrate the objective realities we face.

The Bridge
The Backyard Black Hole
There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

[Goodtimesbro]

What i am experiencing is going through therapy and taking regular anxiety meds helps with reacting. I no longer fuel the emotional arguments and since then I receive alot more blame and her emotions flip flopped like crazy. She started nit picking little screw ups to try and get under my skin is how I perceive it.