BPD Sister expectations I can't meet

[Zabava]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice/words of comfort about my ubpd sister.  I am 57 and she is 62.  I just found an email that I never somehow never read from May of 2025 in which she accused me of neglecting her...."I haven't hear from you since February and you haven't initiated contact since the pandemic.  I feel invisible even when we are together.  Mum tells me all your news and I feel abandoned because I never hear from you."  WTF?  How old are we?  I have accepted that my emotional needs will never be met by my family of origin....I have built a life and a family away from home....she has two great grown kids and plenty of friends.  I just can't be her buddy....she has been too mean and hurtful over the years....

I have dragged my family to visit her and welcomed her into my home multiple times since COVID; even included her in my family vacations against the wishes of my kids (they don't like the way she treats me).  I never saw the email, so didn't respond and I thought we were doing better.  We grew up with a BPD mum who was physically and emotionally abusive but she has never done therapy, despite having a degree in psychology (???)  I have actually had some dramatic healing from trauma informed therapy for CPTSD and was hoping to find some way to have a relationship with her. Recently she has been calmer and seemed happier....now I'm questioning everything since I missed her email...does she hate me? Am I horrible person....I try to call her every couple of weeks, but tbh, I avoid it sometimes because she is so unpredictable.  I have tried to think back to May of last year and I know I was in the middle of a busy time at work and I didn't intentionally neglect her....if I'm being truthful, I wish I could go nc.  She has made my kids miserable and ruined a lot of holidays and family vacations...Feeling horrible.

[Notwendy]

It's understandable that we feel badly over these accusations but in perspective- it's human to sometimes miss an email. If we don't hear from someone, we assume that and send another.

For someone with BPD, who feels in victim perspective- that small error that had no bad intent, somehow becomes "evidence" for neglecting them. But that isn't true about you.

It felt demoralizing when my BPD mother would do this- assume some bad intent over what was a minor error or even somehow a good intention. However, we can not control someone else's feelings or thinking.

A counselor helped me to deal with this by substituting something absurd for the accusation. If you got an email saying you were a pink elephant - would you feel bad? I think you'd probably think that was strange but you know it's not true.

You have some choices here. One is to just let it go. It was in May and she may have moved on from it. You can go LC- decrease the frequency of contact- if it feels safer for you, or even NC but that may be difficult if you are still connected to family members with her. Either way you can also reply to that email with an apology that would fit the "error" - not make it into something bigger- "Hi sister, I found this email and realized I didn't see it before. I apologize for not replying sooner. Love, Sis" but that may also trigger a dramatic reply that you don't want to get into. It's up to you, and if you feel better with an apology for not replying- do that but you are not responsible for how she felt about it and don't need to get into a big drama over it.

[Zabava]

Thanks for your support Not Wendy.  I am pretty sure she's over it, as we've had many positive interactions, visits, etc.,  since then and she hasn't mentioned anything.  I guess I was just reacting to the realization that she is still not well, even though she has reduced a lot of her bpd behaviours and has seemed much more settled in the past few years. I am tired of trying to make it up to her for what she perceives as me being the golden child. I can't fix it or change it now and I'm getting too old for this.

It's not that I feel bad for missing her email...it happens. And her accusations about not ever contacting her since the pandemic are ridiculous and untrue. It just still feels shocking to be on the receiving end of someone else's emotional reasoning...she believed it to be true because that was how she was feeling that day.  I guess I need to be aware of my own emotional reasoning...It felt like a crisis when I read the email, but actually it was not.  Maybe my reaction is a sign I need to focus on my own mental health...I've been neglecting all the self-care I've learned in therapy since December between work, Christmas and various family crises.

[Notwendy]

I guess I was just reacting to the realization that she is still not well, even though she has reduced a lot of her bpd behaviours and has seemed much more settled in the past few years. I am tired of trying to make it up to her for what she perceives as me being the golden child. I can't fix it or change it now and I'm getting too old for this.

Maybe my reaction is a sign I need to focus on my own mental health...I've been neglecting all the self-care I've learned in therapy since December between work, Christmas and various family crises.

Yes, take care of you. I think we forget and are hopeful that our pwBPD is doing better- because we want to. Then, when there's an incident that reminds us they still have BPD, it's disappointing.

I don't believe it's possible to have any control over their perception and feelings. We may not ever be "enough" for them but we can know we are enough.

Take care of yourself, self care helps.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you had a traumatic childhood, but you seem to have healed for the most part, whereas your sister, probably not so much.  I actually think it was a good thing you missed her email, because by now you have seen that by not responding to the email at all, your sister eventually came around and pretended she never sent the email in the first place!  In my opinion, that's probably the best possible outcome for someone with untreated BPD.  You can go ahead and pretend that she never sent it either.

Now, you're still reeling from your sister's words, which were probably meant to hurt you in the moment.  It's very possible your sister was projecting her general discontent your way because other things in your sister's life weren't going the way she wanted.    The pwBPD in my life will do this often--send mean, accusatory texts to loved ones, bemoaning "abusive" and unsupportive behavior, often dredging up incidents from a vast repository of perceived wrongs.  The accusations do indeed seem "ridiculous," because her reasoning is highly distorted, and fact patterns don't align.  Notwendy calls this a pink elephant accusation, which is easier not to take to heart; another wise poster on these boards sees these accusations as cricket balls whizzing by.  My approach has been to treat these tirades as spam, because they are spam!  I try not to dignify them with a response; rather, I take them as a sign that the pwBPD is under a lot of stress.  With the passage of time, she'll pretend like she never sent those mean messages in the first place.

Eventually, weeks or months later, I typically find out what was really going on in the life of my pwBPD which sent her over the edge into a raging hate-fest.  Nine times out of ten, it was a bad decision or action on her part, like quitting something or getting fired, or getting kicked out of her rooming/friend group.  The other times, something didn't go as she wanted.  In other words, her pain and shame were so intense that she felt compelled to cast it outwards towards the people closest to her, even if they had nothing to do with the situation.  Ironically, the people closest to her are precicely the people who care for her most.  It's almost like she's trying to punish herself, to push away absolutely everyone in her life, a misguided, self-punishing coping mechanism disguised as a message-grenade.  I bet your sister feels so ashamed that she doesn't dare mention the email again, at least not to your face.

I guess it's no surprise to me either that your sister studied psychology.  The pwBPD in my life did the same thing.  Maybe it's a way to try to make sense of all their negative thinking patterns?  Maybe they are attracted to listenening to other people's problems, which fuels their unstable emotional life and self-image?  Maybe the study of neuroses makes them feel less alone?

Anyway, it's up to you to decide what level of contact with your sister works best for you.  Maybe avoiding holidays and vacations with her might be the way to go.  I find that pwBPD seem to fare worst during holidays, because their unrealistic expectations (for attention and fun) are never met.  Besides, seeing other joyful people can seem unbearable to a pwBPD, because it's a stark contrast to their general misery, and they seethe with jealousy.  The general stress of a vacation or holiday could simply be too much for them, because pwBPD need a LOT of downtime to manage their negative moods in my opinion.  I might suggest limited contact along the lines that you've already talked about--calling her when it's convenient for you, say once a week or twice a month.  That way, you have an implicit "schedule," and you can deal with her in small doses, when it's least disruptive to you.  If you would like more in-person contact, maybe you try to arrange for one-on-one time, such as a coffee or lunch out.  I find that the pwBPD in my life does better when we arrange for 100% of the attention to be focussed on her in small doses, if she decides to show up.  If she doesn't show up, then that's a sign that she's under stress, and she's giving herself a self-enforced "time out."  My approach is (i) not to take her absence personally and (ii) not to interrupt her time out.  Does that make sense?  That also means not making big plans which require her collaboration.  If she's a "spoiler," then try not to set up higher-stakes situations that she can spoil for YOU.

If you want to know what's bugging your sister, I think you try to read between the lines of her message(s).  One thing stands out to me--she feels "invisible."   That could mean she feels outshined by others, and that she feels inferior.  PwBPD tend to have a weak concept of self-identity and feel extremely insecure.  That could be why they she feels "abandoned" all the time, even when she is surrounded by family.  She may need constant reassurance, which starts to feel impossible to give.  Like you wrote, "How old are we?!?"  Anyway, if you understand what's bugging your sister, you might not take her accusations so personally.  After all, you can't control how she feels on a daily basis.  Only she can do that.

Anyway, I hope you don't feel horrible or guilty.  I know it's really hard to see a loved one struggle with BPD--you could be mourning the loss of a "normal" relationship.  But it's not your fault.  I'd say, you owe it to yourself and your family to enjoy this life you've created.  Please don't let your disordered sister ruin it by making you feel guilty.

[Zabava]

Thanks for your kind words CC43. You have given me a lot to think about and definitely helped me put things in perspective.  I have to accept the fact that it is a relationship that needs to be carefully managed and not to let my guard down just because she seems to be in a better mood for awhile. You are so right that the crazy messages reflect an unbearable level of stress for the bdp person.  I also have to remember that when I ignore them, things tend to resolve on their own. Even when I engage, I find that my bpd sister will vent, guilt trip and cry and then she's totally fine the next day.  Meanwhile, I'm left feeling depressed and anxious...

I would really like to be able to just relax and enjoy my life without feeling like a horrible person.  I have been having moments of feeling like I am enough, every now and then...which is an enormous step forward for me.  My therapist likened healing from CPTSD to climbing a spiral staircase...it's not always linear, but you are always moving upwards...I just have to learn to duck when the cricket balls come my way. 

[Notwendy]

Even when I engage, I find that my bpd sister will vent, guilt trip and cry and then she's totally fine the next day.  Meanwhile, I'm left feeling depressed and anxious...

I would really like to be able to just relax and enjoy my life without feeling like a horrible person. 

I think this is something you have been doing since childhood- being the one your sister "projects" her feelings to, and being empathetic, you feel for her.

I also think- cognitively- you know you aren't a horrible person but after these exchanges, you feel as if you were beat up - and in a way, emotionally beat up while your sister then feels emotional relief after projecting her emotions out.

I experienced this event with my BPD mother. I think once you recognize it it will help you to avoid these exchanges better- see them coming and then be able to disengage. It's a process- we feel what we feel but it helps to be able to see the pattern.

The "hook" for you is that you really want to fix things with your sister. For her, maybe, but what works for her in this exchange is that she gets relief by projecting her feelings and then feels fine. When she brings up her feelings- you see this as a chance to make things better with her- and so you get into it- and then, feel like you do.

Once you recognize the draw- in yourself- the feeling pulled to get into it-you can then decide to not engage. This leaves sister with her own emotions to deal with. She might escalate but your part is to take care of yourself and not engage in this, as you know where it leads.