Infrequent and short messages feeling a lot of inner turmoil

[whoboyboyy]

My ex reached out to me a year ago after years of not talking. At first I tried to reconnect genuinely cause I missed her, but I soon realized it was pointless. She would disappear for months and we barely had conversations. Anyways since then she still messages me out of the blue. In September she messaged me to say she came back to our state after moving. Radio silence until this morning she messaged me that she just got out of jail. I answered like an idiot and as usual got no reply. Has this happened to anyone? I don’t care as much as I used to but I just think it’s strange. I wouldn’t update someone I had no interest in actually talking to like that. She’s also had multiple other boyfriends throughout the year yet still messages me for no reason.  I just can’t understand it. I was unironically probably the kindest person to her and yet she seems to go out of her way to hurt me. I’m also the complete opposite of her exes, theyre all 30+ year old junkies who are constantly in jail. We’re in our early 20s and I’m just trying to figure out my life. It kinda sucks I’ve been nothing but genuine with her. I’d just like to understand the reason for it, its so strange. I have told her I'd like to see her a few times last year and she said she would like that but quickly retreats back into the chaos she knows best. Obviously I would ask her myself why she does this but I don't think she'd shoot straight, nor do I think she even possesses the ability to introspect and answer me. It kind of hurts. For the most part I'm used to it and pretty numb to it. I know I'm both unimportant and not the kind of man she wants. I just don't do well connecting with people and she was someone I genuinely loved and wanted in my life. Her and her 36 year old fiance just got arrested and he wont get out until 2027. I guess that much is meaningless. I'd just like to know why she even bothers with me. I'm not a junkie, felon, gangster, or 10+ years older than her. I have my own problems, but most of it is internalized and I'm a pretty quiet and introverted person. Just the complete opposite.

[ForeverDad]

Many people with BPD - of course not all - can quickly jump from one relationship to another.  However, that also means that subsequent relationships don't last long either.  Yet they've been known to reach out sometimes to ended relationships.

To use a cooking analogy, what do cooks do when they decide a pot has cooked on the stove?  Many will move the pot onto the back burner to simmer until the meal is ready to be served.  Could it be that maybe your ex has you, in her mind, simmering on the back stove?

On the other hand, if she just got out of jail, it may just have been an impulse once outside.  It's hard to say with so little to go on.  It would have been okay if you had decided not to reply.  The relationship was over after all.  Most of us often have to end all contact since restarting communication would likely just resume the dysfunctional cycles all over again.

Trying to figure out "why" would be unproductive as the other's mental processes are not similar as ours so as to expect common sense.  As it turned out, she didn't respond.  Likely best to Let Go.

[Under The Bridge]

I wouldn’t update someone I had no interest in actually talking to like that.

She's not updating you; she's checking that you're still there and interested so that if she gets sick of her current boyfriends - or they get sick of her - she can turn back to you.

BPD's can't be alone so they need a current partner plus plenty of people 'on the sub's bench' who are available if she finds herself alone again.  Once you respond she knows you're still interested so she doesn't reply.. until her insecurity makes her contact you again and you reply. It's a merry-go-round that you need to step off, temptimg as it is to engage.

She's been away a year and now suddenly seeks contact - big red flag. Always go by what a BPD does, not what they say.  If you're now managing your life well and recovering from the stress of a BPD partner do you want to jump back into the chaos again, knowing that it's a repetitive pattern that will never change?

Best wishes.

[whoboyboyy]

Many people with BPD - of course not all - can quickly jump from one relationship to another.  However, that also means that subsequent relationships don't last long either.  Yet they've been known to reach out sometimes to ended relationships.

To use a cooking analogy, what do cooks do when they decide a pot has cooked on the stove?  Many will move the pot onto the back burner to simmer until the meal is ready to be served.  Could it be that maybe your ex has you, in her mind, simmering on the back stove?

On the other hand, if she just got out of jail, it may just have been an impulse once outside.  It's hard to say with so little to go on.  It would have been okay if you had decided not to reply.  The relationship was over after all.  Most of us often have to end all contact since restarting communication would likely just resume the dysfunctional cycles all over again.

Trying to figure out "why" would be unproductive as the other's mental processes are not similar as ours so as to expect common sense.  As it turned out, she didn't respond.  Likely best to Let Go.

  Yeah she does this often she moved back to our state and sent a message saying shes back but then she dissappears again its really weird

[whoboyboyy]

She's not updating you; she's checking that you're still there and interested so that if she gets sick of her current boyfriends - or they get sick of her - she can turn back to you.

BPD's can't be alone so they need a current partner plus plenty of people 'on the sub's bench' who are available if she finds herself alone again.  Once you respond she knows you're still interested so she doesn't reply.. until her insecurity makes her contact you again and you reply. It's a merry-go-round that you need to step off, temptimg as it is to engage.

She's been away a year and now suddenly seeks contact - big red flag. Always go by what a BPD does, not what they say.  If you're now managing your life well and recovering from the stress of a BPD partner do you want to jump back into the chaos again, knowing that it's a repetitive pattern that will never change?

Best wishes.

Well weve been "talking since october 2024 but she disappears for days or months at a time lately she juist sends random updates like shes out of jail and then no reply its strange especially since she has a boyfriend which I found out after she messaged me with a profile pic of them together

[Under The Bridge]

Definitely just a 'ping' she's sending out to see if you're still there. She could chat to you properly if she wanted but that's not what she wants at the moment; she just wants reassurance that she has another option if her current situation changes.

Her boyfriend is probably totally unaware she's been messaging you, so she's playing him too.  As I said, unless you want to get back on the train again, it's best to not respond to her as that only tells her you're still interested.

Hard to do I know, but think long term.