My husband just received a diagnosis.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi. I'm pretty nervous to write this — it's all very new. I've been with my husband since we were 22 (for 20 years), and he's been emotionally abusive for nearly all of it. We've broken up twice because of his anger. I've never really understood how/why/but-really-WHY I kept coming back. During the last time we were separated, my mom died of alcoholism... I'm sure grief played a part in it. Anyway.

He recently received a threshold diagnosis of BPD (a score of 5 on the SCID). I am in my final year of graduate school to be a therapist (the irony) and am struggling to accept what this all means. I've been reading old journals and doing a lot of research into relationships in which one person has BPD... and while it's been somewhat validating (I'm not actually crazy, something he says often), I'm feeling pretty hopeless and frightened. We have a 3.5-year-old daughter. Since she was born, his outbursts have become increasingly frequent and increasingly violent (consistent, as my attention was necessarily diverted to taking care of the baby).

The most recent explosion was 2 weeks ago when he grabbed himself by the throat and punched himself repeatedly in the face, all while calling me a "dumb f***ing b****h" and telling me it was my fault, that I was doing it TO him. It's not the first time he's engaged in that kind of self-harm in front of me and blamed me for it. He has been physically aggressive with me as well. I've understood for at least 3 years that he was mentally unwell, and am struggling with my own beliefs about prioritizing loyalty v happiness v safety v emotional abandonment...

I just... I don't know. I don't even know the questions to ask, here. I'm looking for any lifeline of someone who understands how confusing and devastating this all is.

[elephantshoes]

Hi. I'm pretty nervous to write this — it's all very new. I've been with my husband since we were 22 (for 20 years), and he's been emotionally abusive for nearly all of it. We've broken up twice because of his anger. I've never really understood how/why/but-really-WHY I kept coming back. During the last time we were separated, my mom died of alcoholism... I'm sure grief played a part in it. Anyway.

He recently received a threshold diagnosis of BPD (a score of 5 on the SCID). I am in my final year of graduate school to be a therapist (the irony) and am struggling to accept what this all means. I've been reading old journals and doing a lot of research into relationships in which one person has BPD... and while it's been somewhat validating (I'm not actually crazy, something he says often), I'm feeling pretty hopeless and frightened. We have a 3.5-year-old daughter. Since she was born, his outbursts have become increasingly frequent and increasingly violent (consistent, as my attention was necessarily diverted to taking care of the baby).

The most recent explosion was 2 weeks ago when he grabbed himself by the throat and punched himself repeatedly in the face, all while calling me a "dumb f***ing b****h" and telling me it was my fault, that I was doing it TO him. It's not the first time he's engaged in that kind of self-harm in front of me and blamed me for it. He has been physically aggressive with me as well. I've understood for at least 3 years that he was mentally unwell, and am struggling with my own beliefs about prioritizing loyalty v happiness v safety v emotional abandonment...

I just... I don't know. I don't even know the questions to ask, here. I'm looking for any lifeline of someone who understands how confusing and devastating this all is.

[Me88]

Hi. I'm pretty nervous to write this — it's all very new. I've been with my husband since we were 22 (for 20 years), and he's been emotionally abusive for nearly all of it. We've broken up twice because of his anger. I've never really understood how/why/but-really-WHY I kept coming back. During the last time we were separated, my mom died of alcoholism... I'm sure grief played a part in it. Anyway.

He recently received a threshold diagnosis of BPD (a score of 5 on the SCID). I am in my final year of graduate school to be a therapist (the irony) and am struggling to accept what this all means. I've been reading old journals and doing a lot of research into relationships in which one person has BPD... and while it's been somewhat validating (I'm not actually crazy, something he says often), I'm feeling pretty hopeless and frightened. We have a 3.5-year-old daughter. Since she was born, his outbursts have become increasingly frequent and increasingly violent (consistent, as my attention was necessarily diverted to taking care of the baby).

The most recent explosion was 2 weeks ago when he grabbed himself by the throat and punched himself repeatedly in the face, all while calling me a "dumb f***ing b****h" and telling me it was my fault, that I was doing it TO him. It's not the first time he's engaged in that kind of self-harm in front of me and blamed me for it. He has been physically aggressive with me as well. I've understood for at least 3 years that he was mentally unwell, and am struggling with my own beliefs about prioritizing loyalty v happiness v safety v emotional abandonment...

I just... I don't know. I don't even know the questions to ask, here. I'm looking for any lifeline of someone who understands how confusing and devastating this all is.

well, 'welcome'. Everything you wrote resonates. Self harm, that is somehow your doing? Makes sense right...the horrible curse word filled insults, yup.

The main thing here is you and your daughter's safety. If he was diagnosed at least it shows he's been seeing someone about the issue, but that doesn't mean he's going to change or your life will get better/safer. You need to worry about YOU; mental health, physical health, personal safety. Police intervention seems to be needed if these outbursts continue or even escalate. 20 years of abuse is horrible and you're trauma bonded. Strongly consider leaving this situation.

[ForeverDad]

We have a 3.5-year-old daughter. Since she was born, his outbursts have become increasingly frequent and increasingly violent (consistent, as my attention was necessarily diverted to taking care of the baby).

There could be several reasons why your spouse has raised the level of discord and abuse in the home.  One I can name is that previously there were just two of you.  Now the family's dynamic is a threesome and surely that change can be triggering.

One concern that you didn't quite mention is that if your husband were to harm himself, what if he were to claim you did it?  How would you be able to defend yourself to investigators, to document that it instead is "being framed for mischief"?  This is where the wisdom come in of preemptively - out of harm's way - sharing what goes on behind closed doors.

[Pook075]

I just... I don't know. I don't even know the questions to ask, here. I'm looking for any lifeline of someone who understands how confusing and devastating this all is.

Hello and welcome to the family.  None of us knew what to ask when we first arrived because we were reeling, trying to understand, trying to figure out what we're doing in this type of relationship.  I (and hundreds of others) can completely relate to the feelings you're feeling at the moment.

Telling you what to do is easier though.

But first, a question.  Are you still living with him?  Or if you did separate, how long ago was that?

Also, since you posted in the "detaching" forum, you'll receive advice on leaving the relationship.  Is that what you want?

Right now, you and your child need time to heal.  That may or may not be possible with you in the middle of it all right now.  Rule #1 is that you must prioritize yourself because you have a young child to care for.  That means detaching from his struggles and seeing this in a different light. 

You take care of you.  He takes care of him.  Your mental health must come before his for multiple reasons.  The main one is that helping him literally comes down to you being in the best possible emotional state.

Just know that you are not alone any more.  We're here for you to vent to, ask questions, or anything in between.