At a loss for words

[pizza_is_good66]

I've never felt more compelled to journal about a relationship than this present moment.  I thought I would be able to figure this one out until I made an impulse purchase for Jackson Mackenzie's "Psychopath Free". I received it promptly in the mail the following day and opened up to read my exact situation in a published book. It has been a surreal experience.  On one hand I'm laughing out loud when recalling all the manipulation this person exerted, while simultaneously obsessing over how anyone could behave this way.

I'm in the stage where I'm even questioning if this person does a single thing which does not involve manipulation. They said they were an alcoholic (I'm just over 90 days sober myself) yet confessed to me of smoking marijuana the entire time they claimed to have 90 days. Alcoholics would be the perfect targets, after all. Forgiving, compassionate, easily manipulated by shame and guilt. Taking inventory and apologizing at once if we've done any harm.

The mirroring, the sexual mirroring, the triangulation. The victimization of themselves in any and all facets - "this ex raped me, my ex fiance was crazy, my ex is belligerent and angry and sends me all these crazy texts". I'm seriously even doubting if this person had cancer at this point. It would not surprise me if they adopted dogs just because dogs do what they're told.

When I say everything (and I mean absolutely everything) Jackson wrote of was parallel to what I've just experienced for the last two months, it might even be an understatement.  She told her fan club everything. She paraded me around her job and posted me on instagram while she rubbed her ex's nose in it. All of her friends saw this arrogance in real time and had never been happier for her newfound happiness.

There were of course many red flags I ignored from the start because I didn't want a relationship in early sobriety. The sex was good because she mirrored exactly what I wanted. She showed up every day and brought me things and told me I was beautiful. Not long into it, crisis mode was happening nearly every week or every few days. Whether it was pets, her ex boyfriend, a UTI, trips to the hospital, major depressive episodes.  I knew her charm and wit was off from the start. On our very first date I recall asking her "Why are you so nice to me? Something is off." To her replying.. hush, hush, it is you that is the issue! Why can't you just allow people to be nice to you? Accept my idealization and flattery at once! And I did.

There were many times where I acknowledged to myself and to friends how manipulative she was, and she was so good that I allowed it to carry on.  I didn't know what a psychopath was, or borderline was, or really any truly sick pathological person was until now. Sure I've dated covert narcissists before, which is really the only reason I got out when I did.. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel like this right now.

It was not even a day into our new relationship being official that she reposted her ex on social media. Then I was made out to be a psycho for my reaction.. to which I so willingly apologized.  She of course ran back to the very person she had be defaming and cuckolding this entire time. He willingly accepts his fate.  I've even tried to help him but he's too deep in and hates me, which is exactly what the abuser wants. I even left out the fact that he has somehow agreed to coparent dogs with this person. The unique and special friendship which she uses to manipulate any and all incoming targets i'd imagine. 

We continued having sex and I managed to set a boundary she didn't completely annihilate. Then the big guns came out.. More sex, my obvious kryptonite at this point in the game. Telling me she loves me after spending the week with her ex who was now gone. I went no contact after that, started seeing things through her lens and realized that none of it was true. Phone calls started, another crisis happened, then I canceled our plans and blocked her everywhere I could.  She will eventually show up at my gym, and do her best to tell everyone there how crazy I am. Just like she did at my AA homegroup with the girls she met who thought she was so charming and innocent.

I simply hate the fact that this is not who I am, and I want to love and experience a healthy relationship for once in my life. But all I really feel is.. anger, paranoia, sadness, grief, and a deep desire to turn my brain off. Thank god I've learned some coping mechanisms besides sex and drugs at this point in my life.

[kells76]

Hi and welcome to the group -- you found people who will really understand the confusion of a BPD relationship. "The words sound so good, so why am I so confused and feeling like I did something wrong?" You're definitely not alone in that.

Am I tracking with you that you initiated the breakup, after a big crisis? What was the crisis?

Is she attempting to reconnect with you at all? Would you even want to reconnect if she tried?

Has she tried to contact your gym, or people from your gym, yet?

The paranoia and exhaustion make sense. While the pwBPD in my life isn't a partner or ex, it is my husband's kids' mom, and she married someone with uNPD, so I really understand the "paranoid" sense of "what are they up to now".

I'm also curious what the rest of your support system (besides us!) looks like right now. Loyal friends? Family? Therapist/counselor?

Feel free to keep sharing ... We'll be here.

[Mutt]

Many of us have been exactly where you are. Fast closeness, mixed signals, and repeated crises can distort your sense of reality and leave you stuck in rumination and grief, and that reaction is normal. It doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy or that you imagined things - with time, boundaries, and support, the fog does clear.