Spouse's denial/anger

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there, I am new here. My husband has BPD I feel, in fact I would bet my bottom dollar he is BPD.  He is emotioanlly imature, impulse control issues, depressed, angry, has abused alcohol, etc. He routinely makes social gatherings  uncomfortbale and denial is a super hero in his family. He is also ACOA, but claims his birth family is normal. I involve myself with as many outside activities as possible. I try to enjoy his company when he is mentally present, calm and cordial. I know I was co-dependent, I married him a year after losing both parents and my half brother (14 years older than me) was an emotional terrorist growing up (also BPD or NPD), Im sure I normalized unhealthy behaviors I saw growing up and got attached to someone with BPD. My question is how do you stay calm when they react so inappropriately? Ex: Tonight my spouse said he was happy to not have to go to work tomorrow, I said "your mom has appointment with cardiologist", he became enraged. I tried to remind him I had a conversation with him last week about the appointment, I offered then to take his mom to her appointment tomorrow, he declined saying "i got it". Tonight he became offended I said she had an appointment, accused me of trying to sabotage his time off, denied she had the appointment because it is MLK Day. I pushed saying she would be expecting a ride to the doctor appointment and I was no longer available as have work conflict now. I know there will not be accountability for his over reaction, he will justify, etc. How do I stay calm and remind myself in the moment what he's doing reflects only on him? How do I not take the bait to engage him and stoop down to his level? I am good about it most of the time but when his responses are so off the charts I feel if I don't push back he will spin further out the next time. I will admit I have considered divorce, when he is awful I know I deserve better. I worry about getting an illness in old age and having to depend on him, he is emotionally shallow. We have been married 26 years and for 26 years I have dealt with his issues. The people I know who have gone through gray divorces have expressed regret, or other struggles of similar stress levels, so I feel why put myself through that if I can vacate and live my life but just under the same roof.

[WizerNow]

Hi there, I am new here. My husband has BPD I feel, in fact I would bet my bottom dollar he is BPD.  He is emotioanlly imature, impulse control issues, depressed, angry, has abused alcohol, etc. He routinely makes social gatherings  uncomfortbale and denial is a super hero in his family. He is also ACOA, but claims his birth family is normal. I involve myself with as many outside activities as possible. I try to enjoy his company when he is mentally present, calm and cordial. I know I was co-dependent, I married him a year after losing both parents and my half brother (14 years older than me) was an emotional terrorist growing up (also BPD or NPD), Im sure I normalized unhealthy behaviors I saw growing up and got attached to someone with BPD. My question is how do you stay calm when they react so inappropriately? Ex: Tonight my spouse said he was happy to not have to go to work tomorrow, I said "your mom has appointment with cardiologist", he became enraged. I tried to remind him I had a conversation with him last week about the appointment, I offered then to take his mom to her appointment tomorrow, he declined saying "i got it". Tonight he became offended I said she had an appointment, accused me of trying to sabotage his time off, denied she had the appointment because it is MLK Day. I pushed saying she would be expecting a ride to the doctor appointment and I was no longer available as have work conflict now. I know there will not be accountability for his over reaction, he will justify, etc. How do I stay calm and remind myself in the moment what he's doing reflects only on him? How do I not take the bait to engage him and stoop down to his level? I am good about it most of the time but when his responses are so off the charts I feel if I don't push back he will spin further out the next time. I will admit I have considered divorce, when he is awful I know I deserve better. I worry about getting an illness in old age and having to depend on him, he is emotionally shallow. We have been married 26 years and for 26 years I have dealt with his issues. The people I know who have gone through gray divorces have expressed regret, or other struggles of similar stress levels, so I feel why put myself through that if I can vacate and live my life but just under the same roof.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[SuperDaddy]

Hi WizerNow , and welcome to the family !

How do I stay calm and remind myself in the moment what he's doing reflects only on him? How do I not take the bait to engage him and stoop down to his level? I am good about it most of the time but when his responses are so off the charts I feel if I don't push back he will spin further out the next time.

Everyone has their own buttons. Over time, your BPD partner will become an expert in pushing them. That's why it will be so hard to stay calm.

In this particular situation about their mother's appointment, I would probably not be angry at my wife's overreaction. But when I need to have a friendly talk about the scratched pans in the kitchen and she blows out at my face, it's so hard to not react. Because I value my pans, but they always get scratched, and I feel like I have the right to have my pans preserved. This is my expectation.

So in the end it's all about your expectations being broken and perhaps your needs not being met. Maybe it would be helpful to write down your expectations and needs. That will bring you clarity about the core reasons for your frustrations. It should include all of the good things you expect from him as well.

And then perhaps if you want to take another step, then you could try to talk to him about your list, pointing out some of your wishes that are being fulfilled and some that aren't. When approaching him for the first time, select just a few items from your list. The first ones should be items that are being fulfilled. Then in the end you add one or two that aren't. If that doesn't go well, just give up and keep the list for yourself. It will be helpful to guide you in your decisions.

[mitochondrium]

Hi WizerNow and welcome,

given what you wrote, it seems like you can handle the life with a BPD spouse quiet ok with adjustments. It seems that you can get some time just for yourself.

I know how hard it is to stay calm when they get all looney and we would just like to scream something like: you are so wrong, this will not be true in any universe!?!?! but instead we should stay calm and validate what is valid and not JADE. I hope somebody else has some advice on how to stay calm when extremly triggered, I do not, if I stay calm it is result of practice and my mood/tiredness/how the day is going come into account and also luck (maybe better luck with more experience) to say the right thing to defuse the argument.

However, one thing I could give advice is to stop being involved in his appointment planning/execution. I mean it in a way if he made plans with his mother, it is not your problem if he will not take her. Sounds harsh, but probably his mother would make him take her or next time mother would do things differently and ask somebody else or check with your husband again before the appointment. In your instance when H is being excited about a free day I would maybe react differently from the start, maybe something that he does not feel threatend like: great, what are your plans? and later on I would ask like I was not totally sure: isn’t your mother’s appointment with cardiologist tomorrow?- so he does not feel nagged and you do not have to listen to another circular BS.

With my partner I can get into an argument when he tihinks I am making up tasks for him, to which your question reminds me, I also think this is BPD thing. In my relationship I have decided to not have all the appointments etc for my partner in mind. In the past I had in mind some of them that I also found important, I tried to remind him of stuff like applying for a check up visit, that something is coming up or something like that, minor things for me, I would be happy and I would find it normal if he showed the same involment with me, but was almost always angry with me. The filling with BPD is that they most of the time want a mother in a partner, but at the same time they want to be totally independent. So I have decide he is a big boy and I will not be asking him questions and reminding him about these appointments, these are his things, not mine. It turns out he can take care of himself, sometimes it is later than I would wish for, but this is at the end of the day not my problem.

[PathFinder1]

I don't think I have anything extra to add, but I feel you!