Partner "ends" relationship every few weeks

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I would like to tell you about my 3.5-year relationship with my partner, who was diagnosed with BPD/NPD about 2 years ago and quarterly drinking as a comorbidity, and ask you what you think. He: m53, me: w45

We met three and a half years ago when he lived only 10 minutes away from where I lived. A few weeks after we met, he lost his job and, in a rash decision, moved 50 kilometres away.

 From then on, we had a long-distance relationship for two years. I travelled by train to visit him on weekends and at least once a week during the week. For almost the entire two years, he refused to come here because he might meet people from his ‘former’ life. This was very difficult for me because I had a 10-year-old son from a previous relationship, whom my partner was also afraid of because my son rejected him at first.


For about three and a half years, I was in a close, emotionally intense relationship with my partner. The relationship was characterised by a strong bond and a high level of personal commitment on my part, but at the same time by recurring dysfunctional patterns on his part, which became more pronounced rather than resolved over time.

 I tried for a long time to bring stability into his life through reliability, care, understanding, organisation, and emotional presence. At the same time, I developed increasingly clear boundaries over the course of the relationship after realising that my previous behaviour had strong co-dependent traits and was increasingly damaging to myself. ---

Central relationship and escalation pattern (cyclical):
Over the years, a recurring pattern emerged, often at similar intervals:

 1. Phase of relative stability/idealisation. He appears motivated, euphoric, sometimes manic. Extreme level of activity: excessive training, many projects at the same time, language course, driving licence, career fantasies.  Highly exaggerated fantasies about the future and himself (carrier, wealth, large house, special significance). I am needed as an important reference person, sometimes idealised.

Breakdown/dysregulation:
 Reality, boundaries or frustrations (e.g. my boundaries, external obstacles) cause these fantasies to collapse. When drunk, he often describes feelings of failure, shame and inner emptiness to me retrospectively for such phases. Increasing irritability, withdrawal, fatigue, listlessness.
Externalisation & devaluation: Responsibility is shifted to the outside world, especially to me. Accusations: that I am cold, controlling, not empathetic, not loving, not connected, not loyal enough. My boundaries or my withdrawal (as self-protection) are presented as the actual cause of the crisis.

Escalation / breaking off contact:
Massive emotional attacks, sometimes also physical transgressions. Frequent break-ups (‘it's over’, ‘we have nothing’, ‘we are drifting apart’).  This is often followed by silence for days or weeks.  In the past, this was usually followed by a return – but recently, there has been increasing hardening of attitudes.

Alcohol as an amplifier Alcohol plays a central, destabilising role:
repeated heavy alcohol consumption in stressful situations. When intoxicated: aggressive accusations, insults (‘pea brain’, ‘slut’),  excessive contact, night-time phone calls, revisiting old conflicts, physical assaults on me (bruises), blackouts, unconsciousness, suicidal thoughts, extreme swings between self-aggrandisement and self-deprecation (‘I am an insect’). 
Even when sober, there were escalations (vandalising my flat, throwing things, pushing pets away).

Afterwards, he did not take responsibility, but instead relativised or reversed the blame (‘You were evil,’ ‘I wanted to prevent your meltdown’). ---

Responsibility & care – asymmetrical:
He expects comprehensive care from me, especially when he is ill. When I was ill or weakened myself (migraine, gastrointestinal problems), he reacted with disparagement, coldness and withdrawal. My ‘not being immediately available’ was regularly interpreted as a withdrawal of love or proof of a lack of connection. ---

Emotional abuse dynamics:
Subtle and overt forms of emotional abuse were evident:
Gaslighting: Questioning my perception despite chat evidence.
Blame reversal: His boundary violations are redefined as my ‘anger problem.’
Mixed messages: Closeness and devaluation at the same time.
Implicit punishment: Silence, blocking, breaking off contact when boundaries are set. Division: I am either idealised or ‘painted black’ depending on my inner state.

These dynamics led to the following for me:

Severe inner tension, fear of reactions, physical stress symptoms, increasing self-censorship, withdrawal as a form of self-protection.

--- For a better understanding: His family of origin & regression:
Highly ambivalent relationship with his parents, father highly narcissistic, mother co-dependent and still uses my partner for her own emotional regulation, he tries to protect her. Idealisation of his mother coupled with anger and dependence. Repeated role assignment towards me (‘You're like my mum’), only to then suddenly say: ‘You're never as loyal as my mother. Nobody loves me like my mother.’ Expectation of unconditional empathy and loyalty. In family contexts, strong regression, increased risk of alcohol abuse, hardly any ability to set boundaries.

Fantasies & breakdowns:
Excessive fantasies serve as a means of regulating self-esteem.  When they do not come to fruition, the result is not ‘normal frustration’ but an existential collapse, in 99.9% of cases followed by alcohol consumption to the point of unconsciousness (sometimes for up to four weeks). The collapse of the fantasy feels like a loss of identity to him.  During these phases, the risk of alcohol abuse, devaluation and loss of contact increases massively. ---

My role & development:

In the early years, strongly co-dependent behaviour:

Constant availability (even at night), ongoing emotional regulation, organisation of authorities, doctors, paperwork, financial support, long journeys (50 km, sometimes 2 hours each way). Nevertheless, it was never enough. A single ‘no’ or delayed help was enough to cause an escalation. Later, a conscious development towards clarity, boundaries and self-protection.  It was precisely this development that was increasingly perceived as a threat. ---

 Current situation (as of 10 days since contact was broken off): 
Last contact broken off after escalation around New Year's Eve (alcohol, boundary violation). Silence since then.  At the same time, activity on his part on Facebook – also a pattern in such situations:

Selfies, a staged ‘perfect world’, portraying herself as single,  previous transgressions with other women online. Facebook acts as a stage for self-esteem regulation and defence against shame.  Her silence towards me seems like dissociation + self-protection, not like a mature decision.

It's such a long story... I hope this overview has given you a rough idea of how the relationship works.

Since this pattern is cyclical, when things are going well, the relationship is ‘over’ from his point of view after three months. Because that's when he inevitably has another breakdown and takes his frustration out on me. Always. Even if the trigger was, for example, an unsuccessful job application. Or contact with his father, etc.

My question now is: does anyone else know that every conflict inevitably leads to the partner with BPD immediately declaring the relationship over? In the 3.5 years, it was ALWAYS ‘over’ after three months at the latest.

In addition, I increasingly have the impression that my distancing and self-protection are causing him to feel more and more ashamed and making it increasingly difficult for him to get close to me again.

A quick note: he has been in therapy on and off for 1.5 years. He does not accept the BPD/NPD diagnosis. He believes he has post-traumatic bitterness disorder. That's not a bad thing in itself, but I don't know if it will really help in the long run.

I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this and thank you in advance for your time and for reading.

P.S. He has been living nearby again for several months now – we are only a 10-minute drive apart.

[hiiumaa]

Hello everyone,

I would like to tell you about my 3.5-year relationship with my partner, who was diagnosed with BPD/NPD about 2 years ago and quarterly drinking as a comorbidity, and ask you what you think. He: m53, me: w45

We met three and a half years ago when he lived only 10 minutes away from where I lived. A few weeks after we met, he lost his job and, in a rash decision, moved 50 kilometres away.

 From then on, we had a long-distance relationship for two years. I travelled by train to visit him on weekends and at least once a week during the week. For almost the entire two years, he refused to come here because he might meet people from his ‘former’ life. This was very difficult for me because I had a 10-year-old son from a previous relationship, whom my partner was also afraid of because my son rejected him at first.


For about three and a half years, I was in a close, emotionally intense relationship with my partner. The relationship was characterised by a strong bond and a high level of personal commitment on my part, but at the same time by recurring dysfunctional patterns on his part, which became more pronounced rather than resolved over time.

 I tried for a long time to bring stability into his life through reliability, care, understanding, organisation, and emotional presence. At the same time, I developed increasingly clear boundaries over the course of the relationship after realising that my previous behaviour had strong co-dependent traits and was increasingly damaging to myself. ---

Central relationship and escalation pattern (cyclical):
Over the years, a recurring pattern emerged, often at similar intervals:

 1. Phase of relative stability/idealisation. He appears motivated, euphoric, sometimes manic. Extreme level of activity: excessive training, many projects at the same time, language course, driving licence, career fantasies.  Highly exaggerated fantasies about the future and himself (carrier, wealth, large house, special significance). I am needed as an important reference person, sometimes idealised.

Breakdown/dysregulation:
 Reality, boundaries or frustrations (e.g. my boundaries, external obstacles) cause these fantasies to collapse. When drunk, he often describes feelings of failure, shame and inner emptiness to me retrospectively for such phases. Increasing irritability, withdrawal, fatigue, listlessness.
Externalisation & devaluation: Responsibility is shifted to the outside world, especially to me. Accusations: that I am cold, controlling, not empathetic, not loving, not connected, not loyal enough. My boundaries or my withdrawal (as self-protection) are presented as the actual cause of the crisis.

Escalation / breaking off contact:
Massive emotional attacks, sometimes also physical transgressions. Frequent break-ups (‘it's over’, ‘we have nothing’, ‘we are drifting apart’).  This is often followed by silence for days or weeks.  In the past, this was usually followed by a return – but recently, there has been increasing hardening of attitudes.

Alcohol as an amplifier Alcohol plays a central, destabilising role:
repeated heavy alcohol consumption in stressful situations. When intoxicated: aggressive accusations, insults (‘pea brain’, ‘slut’),  excessive contact, night-time phone calls, revisiting old conflicts, physical assaults on me (bruises), blackouts, unconsciousness, suicidal thoughts, extreme swings between self-aggrandisement and self-deprecation (‘I am an insect’). 
Even when sober, there were escalations (vandalising my flat, throwing things, pushing pets away).

Afterwards, he did not take responsibility, but instead relativised or reversed the blame (‘You were evil,’ ‘I wanted to prevent your meltdown’). ---

Responsibility & care – asymmetrical:
He expects comprehensive care from me, especially when he is ill. When I was ill or weakened myself (migraine, gastrointestinal problems), he reacted with disparagement, coldness and withdrawal. My ‘not being immediately available’ was regularly interpreted as a withdrawal of love or proof of a lack of connection. ---

Emotional abuse dynamics:
Subtle and overt forms of emotional abuse were evident:
Gaslighting: Questioning my perception despite chat evidence.
Blame reversal: His boundary violations are redefined as my ‘anger problem.’
Mixed messages: Closeness and devaluation at the same time.
Implicit punishment: Silence, blocking, breaking off contact when boundaries are set. Division: I am either idealised or ‘painted black’ depending on my inner state.

These dynamics led to the following for me:

Severe inner tension, fear of reactions, physical stress symptoms, increasing self-censorship, withdrawal as a form of self-protection.

--- For a better understanding: His family of origin & regression:
Highly ambivalent relationship with his parents, father highly narcissistic, mother co-dependent and still uses my partner for her own emotional regulation, he tries to protect her. Idealisation of his mother coupled with anger and dependence. Repeated role assignment towards me (‘You're like my mum’), only to then suddenly say: ‘You're never as loyal as my mother. Nobody loves me like my mother.’ Expectation of unconditional empathy and loyalty. In family contexts, strong regression, increased risk of alcohol abuse, hardly any ability to set boundaries.

Fantasies & breakdowns:
Excessive fantasies serve as a means of regulating self-esteem.  When they do not come to fruition, the result is not ‘normal frustration’ but an existential collapse, in 99.9% of cases followed by alcohol consumption to the point of unconsciousness (sometimes for up to four weeks). The collapse of the fantasy feels like a loss of identity to him.  During these phases, the risk of alcohol abuse, devaluation and loss of contact increases massively. ---

My role & development:

In the early years, strongly co-dependent behaviour:

Constant availability (even at night), ongoing emotional regulation, organisation of authorities, doctors, paperwork, financial support, long journeys (50 km, sometimes 2 hours each way). Nevertheless, it was never enough. A single ‘no’ or delayed help was enough to cause an escalation. Later, a conscious development towards clarity, boundaries and self-protection.  It was precisely this development that was increasingly perceived as a threat. ---

 Current situation (as of 10 days since contact was broken off): 
Last contact broken off after escalation around New Year's Eve (alcohol, boundary violation). Silence since then.  At the same time, activity on his part on Facebook – also a pattern in such situations:

Selfies, a staged ‘perfect world’, portraying herself as single,  previous transgressions with other women online. Facebook acts as a stage for self-esteem regulation and defence against shame.  Her silence towards me seems like dissociation + self-protection, not like a mature decision.

It's such a long story... I hope this overview has given you a rough idea of how the relationship works.

Since this pattern is cyclical, when things are going well, the relationship is ‘over’ from his point of view after three months. Because that's when he inevitably has another breakdown and takes his frustration out on me. Always. Even if the trigger was, for example, an unsuccessful job application. Or contact with his father, etc.

My question now is: does anyone else know that every conflict inevitably leads to the partner with BPD immediately declaring the relationship over? In the 3.5 years, it was ALWAYS ‘over’ after three months at the latest.

In addition, I increasingly have the impression that my distancing and self-protection are causing him to feel more and more ashamed and making it increasingly difficult for him to get close to me again.

A quick note: he has been in therapy on and off for 1.5 years. He does not accept the BPD/NPD diagnosis. He believes he has post-traumatic bitterness disorder. That's not a bad thing in itself, but I don't know if it will really help in the long run.

I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this and thank you in advance for your time and for reading.

P.S. He has been living nearby again for several months now – we are only a 10-minute drive apart.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi hiiumaa ,

I read your entire long post, and I got worried about you because you commented about bruises. It's also worrisome when you wrote, "vandalising my flat, throwing things, pushing pets away."

The problem I see in those interactions is the lack of consequences. It seems like the only consequence is you withdrawing temporarily, but your partner is kind of used to that already. And from what I understood, your partner also does the withdrawal for very long periods?

Can you describe better what exactly those withdrawals mean? Is it a no-contact period? I think the full withdrawal should ideally be very short, only for the current day. Then you should maintain limited contact until your partner starts to treat you well.

When you said your partner does "alcohol consumption to the point of unconsciousness (sometimes for up to four weeks)," I'm assuming you meant a cycle of drinking and becoming unconscious for a few hours, then drinking again. This is something that must be treated, so please check this other post of mine.

In regard to consequences, I think you should warn your partner that you will call the police if they get physical with you. But you should choose a very good moment to say that. Ideally, that should be said in a lovely way. I don't know the genders, but in case you are female and your partner is male, this notification will have a strong effect.

Also, the natural withdrawal is not a boundary unless it is clearly described beforehand. For instance, you could say, "I'll not be with you while you are drinking, so I'll walk away when you start drinking, and I'll not allow you to bring alcohol to my place. And I'll only return 24 hours later or after the alcohol effect seems to be gone." But if you allow your partner to get drunk in your place, that will be a problem because to follow through with this boundary, you may need to sleep elsewhere.

By the way, do you love your partner? The existence of love is fundamental for the relationship to work. In my current relationship, we do love and admire each other a lot, so we have gas to go through the challenges.

My previous partner also had BPD, and we lived together for 7 years. However, what made me choose her was not real deep love but rather because she was the "path of least resistance." So my basic reaction to her aggressiveness was to withdraw only.

When I met her, I was in contact with a few girls from the internet, but she was the nearest one, living 300 km from me. She didn't care that I still lived with my 1st partner and didn't care to take a long-distance bus trip to see me. I even told her I was more interested in another girl, and she got angry at this but didn't get away from me at all. While other girls would expect us to get to know each other gradually, this would take a long-distance bus trip to see me and then sleep with me in a hotel (because I still lived with my 1st partner). Even today, she still keeps trying to get closer.

But why was I choosing the easiest path? Because I had trouble staying single due to childhood emotional neglect, and I needed a quick fix. Staying single was unbearable for me. I was living with my 1st wife still, but we were just sharing the same home and had already signed a paper recognizing our separation.

A few years later, I got rid of my pain with self-help books. So after the relationship ended, I could be single for more than 2 years without any problem. So when I found my current partner, I was not in a rush; I was fine with waiting to find someone I really liked. I was unlucky that my current partner also has BPD, but I was lucky in other aspects because she is so attractive and funny, treats her stepkids so well, and does care about me. For instance, if I get a mild fever, then she becomes desperate. And we both always care if the other partner is eating well.


 

[Under The Bridge]

My question now is:[/b] does anyone else know that every conflict inevitably leads to the partner with BPD immediately declaring the relationship over? In the 3.5 years, it was ALWAYS ‘over’ after three months at the latest.

I had exactly the same thing in my 4-year BPD relationship, and your 'three month' timescale was almost identical too.  It was like she had an in-built calendar in her head that said 'It's been 3 months since I've broken up with him, it's time to do it again'. I can still recall the first year we dated; we began in January, she had her first meltdown in April, then the next in August, then the next at the Christmas.

It was only after a couple of years that I saw the pattern was more or less a timed occurence, though her reasons for each breakup were different, such has her having had a bad day at work, an argument with her mother, someone beating her at a game of pool, or any other reason to blame me.

Staff in the bar we went to would even joke 'Hey, things have been fine with you and L for a few months now, is she ditching you next month then?'  Her pattern was that obvious.

Scary how we can become so codependant that we actually accept this behaviour and treat it as 'just part of the relationship', even though it causes us massive stress and damage, which no true relationship should ever cause.

I ended it for good after her last meltdown was so horrific and heading towards getting physical, but I sometimes wonder how long I'd have continued to endure her 'normal regular' breakups as I was getting used to it by then.

Like SuperDaddy said, I'd be concerned about any violence being shown by your partner. There comes a time when you must give yourself first priority.

[hiiumaa]

Hi SuperDaddy,
Thank you for taking the time to read through everything and thank you very much for your feedback.

I will try to answer your questions.

Yes, he is male, 50 years old, I`m female, 45 years old.

Until recently, I loved him – as much as one can love someone from the bottom of one's heart. There were times when I thought that if he left me again, I would die, so much did my heart ache. (I am very aware that, given the dynamics of our relationship, trauma bonding is certainly also at play here. )

In late summer last year, he had another alcohol-induced breakdown and ended up lying in front of my front door one night. I only noticed because one of my dogs had an upset stomach at the time and had to go out constantly during the night. I practically stumbled over my partner in the dark.

Actually, for about 1.5 years now, I have had a rule that I immediately withdraw and do not want any contact with him (none at all – not even by text) until he lets me know that he is sober again. I communicated this clearly because he gave me the bruises one night when he was dead drunk and I dared to ask him to stop drinking. He completely freaked out, came to my bed every two minutes with the worst insults and tried to throw me out of bed.

I would have left, but I was visiting him and could only travel the 50 km home by train – however, trains do not run at night and I was afraid to travel alone through the city until the early hours of the morning.

Weeks later, I spoke to him about it and told him that I did not want any more contact with him when he had been drinking and that I would call the police.

But... now back to that night last year when he was lying drunk on my doorstep... That night he was freezing cold, wearing only a thin shirt, and I couldn't bring myself to send him away. I took him inside and told him to lie down in bed and sleep. That didn't work. First he showered me with love, and shortly afterwards he verbally attacked me again. I asked him to leave. He refused. Then I told him that I was going to take the dogs out into the garden for ten minutes and that I wanted him to be gone by the time I came back in, otherwise I would call the police. He didn't leave. I asked him one last time. He remained seated. I called the police. By the time they arrived, he had left. But something broke inside me that night.

I believe that what I feel deep in my heart is still love – I miss him now, too – but I'm worried that it might just be trauma bonding.

Regarding your question about mutual withdrawals:

I only ever withdraw after giving notice. I also clearly communicated this to him about 1.5 years ago, that I would immediately withdraw for a day in the event of any kind of violence (verbal or even physical) and that I would be willing to talk to him again once he had calmed down. I even communicated this to him in writing by email so that there would be no doubt afterwards that this boundary existed.

This means that as soon as he verbally attacks me, belittles me, insults me, etc., I tell him again in a friendly and matter-of-fact manner that I can see he is angry or hurt and that he now has another chance to calm down, then we can continue talking, but I will be out of contact until the next day if he continues to be malicious. In most cases, he then becomes even more malicious, and I do not respond for a day. If ‘normal’ messages come again after a day, I respond again. If the malicious messages continue, I do not respond.

As for his withdrawal, it always happens when he gets a ‘no’ from me or when he perceives that I am not being ‘caring’ enough. Then he becomes malicious, and when I distance myself and remind him that I will withdraw if he talks to me like that, he ends the relationship. I then receive 25 messages saying ‘it's over’.

In the past, he would start drinking immediately after ‘ending’ the relationship. Then he would contact me again via text message once he had reached a certain level and had apparently lost his inhibitions.

Regarding your question about the cycle:
Yes, you're right: he's been sober for about six to eight weeks – during that time, he's been kind to me, lovebombed me, and made an effort to be in close contact with me every day. Then comes a week or so when I can already sense that the crash is approaching. He is tired, irritable, and starts teasing me again. And then comes the crash: something triggers him. Either something external that is not going the way he would like it to, or something in our relationship. But I am the one who gets it – no matter what the trigger was.

The crash itself, involving alcohol, lasts between one and four weeks. During this time, he drinks every day and so intensively that he has blackouts in between and his entire daily routine is disrupted. He no longer washes, he no longer takes care of his job applications/administrative tasks, etc.

I should mention that he has been in therapy for 1.5 years. He has also spent five weeks in a rehabilitation clinic. He was sober for 10 months last year. However, the relapses returned. This often coincided with visits to his parents' house, where alcohol is consumed and he is unable to say no.

He is afraid that his father does not see him as a ‘real’ man. There, he drinks in a controlled manner, but as soon as he is back here (his parents live in another country), he relapses.

I assume that he often doesn't tell his psychotherapist and addiction doctor the truth, but only tells them about ‘minor’ relapses and otherwise leads them to believe that he has it under control.

I have considered visiting his therapist and telling him my perspective. But I don't know if that's a good idea.

When my partner withdraws, after ‘overdosing’, it can last for days or weeks. It has even lasted for three months before. Then he usually came back when he was drunk.

He was sober again from late summer last year until New Year's Eve. I was very happy and we had a good time together. But on New Year's Eve, he was with his parents and was dead drunk when he contacted me. I stuck to my boundaries and said: No contact in this state. When you're sober again and want to talk, we can do that.

He then came back from his parents' house sober (I could tell from the way he wrote), but he didn't say clearly, ‘I'm sober again and would like to talk to you,’ but instead sent me some photos and jokes. I didn't respond and eventually wrote that I needed to be sure he was sober first.

That was the reason for the current escalation. When I said this, I was again subjected to the worst accusations about everything I was doing wrong in the relationship. ‘Mistakes’ I made three years ago were brought up again, along with the usual accusations that I am not compassionate, that I am cold, that I am controlling, etc. And then the usual ‘over’. Since then – for ten days now – there has been radio silence. I know that I don't need to contact him. I've tried that in the past and he gave me the cold shoulder or devalued me again. There's no point. He has to come back on his own.

I'm sure he's sober now – I can tell from his Facebook activity. I suspect that he doesn't dare to contact me when he's sober and that, in his perception, I'm probably still the one who destroys the relationship ‘every time’.

Phew... that was so long again, but I couldn't manage to make it shorter. :-)

[ForeverDad]

I doubt this is what you want from a relationship, since obviously you're here seeking insight, tools and skills.  So, considering you now see his pattern as well as his refusal thus far to change, how much are you willing to tolerate a relationship dynamic like this?  Are you undecided?  Finding it hard to decide which path to take?

[hiiumaa]

Hi UndertheBridge and ForeverDad,

Thank you both very much for your feedback!

@UndertheBridge
It's very interesting to read that your relationship seems to have followed a very similar pattern in these cycles of time. It's almost unbelievable how similar it is. May I ask if your partner at the time was in therapy?

@ForeverDad
Yes, I have doubts.
My nervous system keeps telling me very clearly that I am not safe with this man.
BUT I keep getting stuck in my thoughts and feelings during the good phases and tend to repress the bad times. And there is a voice inside me that says, "He is now consistently going to therapy. It just takes time for real change to happen. He already has certain insights – he just can't put them into practice when he's triggered..." I can't bring myself to leave. There are so many emotions that try to convince me that we love each other... That means – I don't even know if he'll come back this time. I'm just assuming he will because he always has. In the last month he sometimes said: "Thank you for challenging me. You are the first woman who does that. It is helpful for me." And then the hope come`s in play...

I've tried the skills over the years. At first, I tried a lot with validation, but to be honest, I gave up again. When he tips over, he tips over so massively that nothing reaches him anymore and it doesn't matter what I do or say. He freaks out. All I can do then is leave ( what makes him feels that I`m cold and not loving... )

[SuperDaddy]

Hi hiiumaa ,

Your second message clarified the interaction well. It seems like you are doing a good job in communicating your boundaries clearly. You also took the right steps that day when you called the police. And I understand how that day has broken something inside you. Because then you realized he was willing to go that far.

When he said, "Thank you for challenging me.", what challenge was he referring to? I was wondering if he was referring to the day in which you called the police, since that was the moment when he understood his limits. Or he could be talking about the challenger being sober?

When communicating a new boundary or when enforcing an already communicated boundary, we have a tendency to do it in a very negative way since we are feeling bad at that moment. I think this is part of what makes it so hard to have a positive effect from it. But if it is communicated in a positive way, there is a much greater chance of things working out later. I know it's not possible to communicate effectively when they are dysregulated, and therefore it's difficult to do validation at the moment, but our mood always has an impact on them anyway.

Therefore, it is important to talk about your decisions when both are calm. This is how I got my wife to agree with our split. I waited until she was in her best mood (and I was too). It almost didn't feel right to talk about the split at that moment, but I was decided, so I pushed forward with the conversation until she positioned herself about it in a reasonable way. A few times I tried to talk about it, and she became hostile or irrational, so I gave up talking but then pushed the topic again on the next good opportunity.

Ideally, your partner should agree with all of your boundaries, or at least accept them (without overeacting to it every time you talk about it). Do you have decisions of which he does not agree with?

Apart from this, what kind of therapy is he doing? In the case of BPD, it should really be a specialist, preferably with DBT. Have you also considered bipolar? It's quite common to have both diagnostics comorbid. But bipolar is not a personality disorder, so it must be treated through the mouth (capsules, a special food diet perhaps, etc.).

[ForeverDad]

Here is a partial quote from one of the best articles by clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver:

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

Summary
As we go through life, we encounter a variety of individuals. We also develop a variety of relationships with others including family members, neighbors, fellow workers, friends, and familiar faces. Healthy relationships seem to be healthy in the same way – having characteristics of respect, concern for others, affection, cooperation, honesty, mutual goals, etc. A relationship with a Personality Disorder is totally different. That 9 or 10 percent of adults with a “Cluster B” Personality Disorder can create significant difficulties in our life. In brief contacts they are often troublesome - the uncle who is a con artist or the sister-in-law that nobody can tolerate at holiday dinners. When we bring them into our lives however, a Personality Disorder rapidly takes over and our life becomes centered on their needs, demands, and goals. To achieve their self-centered objectives, the Personality Disorder becomes the controller, abuser, manipulator and user in relationships. The early identification of individuals who create unhealthy relationships can save us from years of heartache as well as damage to our personality, self-esteem, finances, and lifestyle.

Dr Joe Carver has long since retired and his website is gone but this link has an entire article to download:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=305771.0
If you wish to view his other handouts, read my notes I posted to that thread on using "web.archive.org" to find his archived website.