Not sure where to start

[ladymedtrina]

Hi all. My husband has started therapy and they told him that it is likely that his mom had BPD, and during his research into it he came to the conclusion that he has BPD as well. I didn't know anything about BPD until a few days ago. Reading up on it - it feels spot on. I feel like I have found an answer to all the questions I didn't know to ask. I don't really know where to start with all this. I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. I am worried that my husband will shut down with too much information and stop therapy again. I was genuinely about to separate from this man because of how bad things can get, but now I feel like I have to give him the opportunity to keep trying because it's not his fault. All of the times I thought he was being awful to me on purpose or straight lying to me feels like they were all related to BPD and not him at all. Any advice or comments are welcome. I'm glad to know I'm not alone in loving someone that struggles this way and I'm looking forward to diving into previous posts/comments and learning what I can to help him, myself, and our relationship. Thank you (:

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but I am glad that you're open to trying to work through this.  You actually have a few good things going on in your favor here-

1) A self-discovered diagnosis (off mom's diagnosis)
2) He's already in therapy and trying to improve
3) You realize that this isn't all his fault
4) You're starting with a great book to learn

So where can we help?  Do you have specific things that keep occurring?  And do you guys have kids?

As just a 30 second intro to BPD, it's a personality disorder that makes it hard to regulate feelings.  A good day is the best day ever!  A bad day is the opposite of that and can make the person spiral in negative thinking.  All of this is tied to self-esteem and self-worth, with a huge fear of rejection or abandonment.

A BPD person in my life might have a flat tire.  She's going to be late to work, so she starts thinking about how the entire world is against her and she just can't take all of this.  It's a severe over-reaction and maybe she tells me off...not that she's mad at me, but she's mad at the world because nobody ever helps her with anything.  And if I react appropriately (to someone telling me off out of the blue), it becomes confirmation that I never cared about this person, never did anything for them, etc.

Soon, the tire problem is forgotten as that BPD person focuses on all the things that I've done to make their life miserable.  And they just spiral with negative thinking and disordered thoughts.  I didn't take out the trash last month, so that proves I'm cheating.  I didn't offer to cook on our honeymoon 20 year ago, so I must have been plotting this the entire time.  And it just spirals and spirals....  Meanwhile, I still think we're arguing over a tire.

To get them out of that spiral, give them the one thing that's at the core of the chaos- affirmation.  You love them, you're there for them, you want to help and work through this.  Once that actually clicks, the spiral stops (or switches to something else entirely).  BPDs need close-knit relationships with people they can trust no matter what...and then they unwittingly sabotage those relationships.

It's sad for sure, but there is a path forward if you're willing to put in the work with him.

[ladymedtrina]

@Pook075
Glad to have the validation that I have things going on in my favor. Glad to not feel so alone. Thank you.

Our biggest repeating issue is misunderstandings. He constantly thinks that my face/body language/tone is saying something different than the words I'm actually saying. Now that we have been together over a decade, I can usually tell when he takes something I said a different way so I am actually able to confront it then, but that is hard. I know there are many times where he perceives something I'm saying completely differently and I don't catch onto it. When I do realize it is happening I try and say something like "idk what you took from that, I just want to be clear that what I said was..." and repeat my words again.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes he calls me a liar. Tells me I'm being manipulative. It gets so confusing and I try to fight it with logic (which I just read in the book doesn't work) and yeah it doesn't work... I will try and say what makes more sense? And then pitch him the truth vs what he said/believes. I don't know how to change my face/body language/tone to match my words to him and it's hard to say something and then also have to convince someone of it.

We don't have kids. We have two dogs and it can be extremely frustrating because he gets so upset with them over their basic needs. He will start yelling when they are just asking to go out, up to the point of getting super angry and potentially shutting down completely.

Our arguments can be pretty bad with him ending up yelling or getting violent. Thankfully to objects and not to me, but it can still be scary. The biggest issue with our arguments however is that we don't seem to grow from them often. He will shut out what happened. Tell me he doesn't remember any of it. Or that he remembers it a completely different way. He will gaslight me about arguments and turn them into a completely different thing, to the point where I will be so confused and questioning everything that was said.  This got so bad that I started recording when I knew we would get into a big argument because I wanted to be able to hear it back later and know for certain that I am being calm and he is getting angry and it is actually as I remember it.

Thank you for the help (:

[Pook075]

Our biggest repeating issue is misunderstandings. He constantly thinks that my face/body language/tone is saying something different than the words I'm actually saying. Now that we have been together over a decade, I can usually tell when he takes something I said a different way so I am actually able to confront it then, but that is hard.

I'm a highly logical person so I completely get it, I'd argue and explain and justify and wonder why we kept going around and around in circles.

Most people are a mix of logic and emotion.  They don't sound like opposites, but they absolutely are.  Think about it, if you smash your finger in the door, you don't care what you say or how you react...it's just all emotion for that first 5-10 seconds.  Logic is the opposite of that, smooth and steady thinking to find the best possible solution.

If your husband is "not himself", there's a good chance he's in a disordered state and thinking with heightened emotions...like he just slammed his finger in the door and his brain is still reeling from the sudden shock of it all.  You must fight emotion with emotion:

- Oh my gosh, what happened?
- Are you okay, what's going on?
- What can I do to help?
- Let's talk about this and figure a way through it.

The biggest issue with our arguments however is that we don't seem to grow from them often. He will shut out what happened. Tell me he doesn't remember any of it. Or that he remembers it a completely different way.

I'm not defending your husband here, but he is remembering it a different way because it was very different within his mind.  His emotions were saying that he was upset and confused, but the argument was about the dogs barking or whatever.  When you responded with logic, he's thinking, "Can't she clearly see what I'm going through right now?!?"

Mind you, he didn't SAY what he was going through, but his emotions SHOWED that he was facing something unspoken.  Then he just ranted about the first thing that frustrated him (the dogs, whatever).  For him, the argument was never about the dogs though...it was about you not loving him enough to understand what he was going through.

Why would he think that?  Because he needed affirmation and sympathy, he received logic.

I hope that helps!  I don't want to share too much at once and make it confusing.

[ForeverDad]

The community of peer support here has built a wealth of practical tools and communication skills here, so feel free to take advantage of everything.
Tools & Skills workshops board

One of the topics there explains why JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) often doesn't work or not for long - too logical - and it is best to use other approaches.  A variety are found there.

Although children are great blessings, they can trigger even more issues and discord when a spouse has BPD traits.  So it is probably best that you learn more about the aspects of BPD before  you might ponder whether to add children into the mix.